Moving away from elderly parents

[Iwantmychairback]

I currently travel 40 minutes each way every fortnight to visit my parents who are in their 80’s. On top of this I text or phone my mum every couple of days. If she texts me and I don’t reply within a couple of hours, I get a phone call to make sure I’m still alive. She often says “ you don’t need to come if you don’t want to” but if for some reason I can’t go, then she gets upset. So she is fairly clingy ( in a nice way). When I am there, we just have a general chit chat, usually stuff about her neighbours which she has already told me, I never stop for a meal.
I have a sister who lives closer to them, she visits once a week and rarely calls or texts between visits.
The problem I have is that I want to move to a different area which would mean a 3 hour drive (in good conditions) each way. Obviously I wouldn’t want to be doing this every fortnight, maybe once a month. I know my mum would be upset, dad, not so much. Should I be selfish and do what me and DH really want to do? Or do I do what I know would keep DM happy? DH not bothered in the slightest about moving away from his mum who is almost 90.
Area I want to move to has poor internet connection at the moment, so Skyping etc probably wouldn’t be an option.

Do you actually WANT to do this, or is the idea driven by your husband?

If my parents were no longer around I wouldn’t think twice about moving away. We both want to make the move.

What is the plan for when your parents become frail/ill/unable to cope living where they are?
I know you're hardly on the doorstep now, but how much harder will it be to visit or help out in any practical way when you're so much further away?
Or will it all fall to your more local sister?
I know it can seem years away, but it's actually only one "fall" away. (I have this T shirt!!)

It depends would you be working or are you retiring to this area.

I live many many hours from my surviving parent who is older but living independently. Visiting is doable if not expensive. But I need to stay at least 3-4 days for it to be worthwhile. My key problem is taking time off work. It swallows up my leave. When my mother was ill and dying the time off meant my career suffered slightly. Not so much in terms of money but in opportunity.

To be honest 40 mins is nothing and we be visiting every 3-4 days not fortnightly. I live 3 hours from my parents who are younger but I'm already planning ahead expecting to need to travel every other third weekend in rotation with my siblings, paid care in between

I wouldn't move away from elderly parents who are likely to need more help unless it was a really good reason. Amazing work opportunity (I mean life changing) or I lived in a horrible area and had opportunity to leave.

Basically depends on reason for going as I would miss my parents and would want to be able to help them when they need it.

Lots of people live many hours from their parents. They are not inherently selfish, just living their lives.

Only you will know how great the impact will be on your parents and how you will feel as a result.

What plans have your parents made for their old age?

What would happen if there was a fall. Would dsis step in and put her life on hold to do the caring? I would try to get some other stuff in place - carers/cleaners/gardeners so that there is someone else there if you are less available.

I live 4-5 hours away. It's been difficult when there have been times of illness. I visit approx every month to 6 weeks and

stay for a couple of days.
They don't want to move
I have visited weekly for months, when there have been issues & nobody else to help
Ultimately, it is your life & your decisions
They have a weekly cleaner, prescription medicines delivered.

How would you feel when things change, when you only have one parent ? The dynamics change

DH not bothered in the slightest about moving away from his mum who is almost 90.

You both sound lovely

My life is on hold for my very aged parents. But I have siblings who are all local and I know that, if I did 'get on with my life', they'd pick up the slack.

No I couldn't leave increasingly vulnerable parents. They put their lives on hold for me, I'm returning the love.

My opinion of course. It's not black and white. Ime we've had to do a lot for our parents. The option is to go into a (expensive) care facility, then they'd be looked after wall to wall and the children can do what they like. I don't think I could leave if conclusive care wasn't in place and established.

It's not a crime to live several hours from elderly parents. It might spur them to make plans for when their needs increase. I can't help but notice elderly people who live near family conveniently seem to lose their independence sooner.

Personally I wouldn't. I know it's not a nice thing to think about but what about if you loose one of them and the other one is left on their own. Having just been through this I can tell you that it is not nice and a really huge worry.
Oh and when your mum says that she doesn't mind you not going and then gets upset when you don't, she actually wants you too!!

Perhaps she wants you to want to see her, doesn't want it to be a duty.

If you live a distance, you need to factor in time & cost