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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

child on child sexual abuse

15 replies

verytricky · 20/07/2007 15:20

Your feelings on this would be much appreciated.

Some months ago my (step) nephew was arrested for sexual behaviour with his(step) sister ( a girl from a previous relationship) The boy is now 15. the girl is 6. The behaviour amounted to inappropriate touching. The Girl told her Maternal Grandmother after it was discovered that she had an infection ( due to his dirty hands)

My BIL had fought tooth and nail after the ending of a turbulent relationship to see his children. Now the mother of the girl(understandably) will not allow the children to the fathers house. The police were involved he has got a final warning from them and been placed on the sexual offenders list for 18 months.

Social workers are involved.

The Family unit is devastated. The boys sister despises him. MY BIL hates him and his own mother can hardly look at him. They are excluding him from every facet of their family life.. If they have a nice meal ? he is relegated to make his own beans on toast. They are going on holiday, he is not going with them.

They asked for his biological father to have custody of him and he said ?No put him into care?

I feel very sorry for the boy. Where as everyone else feels utter disgust. I do Not condone in any way shape or form the despicable things that he has done. However his daily life is truly horrible.

Is there anything I can do? What would you do?

OP posts:

GrimoireThief · 20/07/2007 15:24

Is he getting any professional help/treatment?

notasheep · 20/07/2007 15:24

I would try and give him help and support myself if nobody else cares about him and his problems/behaviour.

My nephew and niece have had issues-their mother has excluded them so i have tried to be there for them.

RGPargy · 20/07/2007 15:26

I can totally see both sides of the coin here. What a horrible situation.

PeterDuck · 20/07/2007 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bagsundereyes · 20/07/2007 15:29

I know that the NSPCC run (I'm sorry if you find this offensive) "Young Abusers" projects in both London and Manchester, to help young people in this position. Perhaps you could contact NSPCC to find out if there's a group in your area. I don't know whether these groups work with families of abusers as well.

These groups normally require a referral - perhaps that's something a social worker could help with, as you say social services are involved.

runawayquickly · 20/07/2007 15:30

I wonder if anyone has actually asked him how he feels. Has he been able to talk about it, or has he just been rejected? Probably not easy, but it would be good to let him know you are thinking of him. If the chance came to spend some time with him (with his step/parents' knowledge) it would be good for him to know that not everyone hates him. Apart from that, you risk the wrath of your family, don't you? I feel for you - it's a horrible situation to be in for everyone.

Gizmo · 20/07/2007 15:30

Bloody hell...that would try the wisdom of Solomon.

It's very disturbing though, to wonder where this behaviour came from. My understanding is that a large percentage of paedophiles have abuse in their own past so it is a 'normalised' behaviour for them. I'm not suggesting this is the case with your nephew, by the way, it sounds like sexual experimentation that has got viciously out of hand.

Do you have any views on what his relationship with his step sister/step mother was like before this abuse began? Is this some way of acting out a lot of hostility? Either way it's really hard to see how the situation can be resolved: it would be nice to think they could forgive him and get him treatment to make sure he understands why this is the worst thing he could possibly have done, but to do that would probably feel like a betrayal to the poor little girl.

Does he really have to stay with that family unit? Is there anywhere else he could go?

Imanawfulperson · 20/07/2007 15:32

It does sound like he needs to move out of the house, it is a horrible situation for everyone involved.

DoubleBluff · 20/07/2007 15:47

Are the two still living in the same house?
That would not be allowed any way.
Social services would not allow the perpertrstor and the victim to have contact.

prettyfly1 · 22/07/2007 19:46

i no thi s thread was a little bit ago bu ti felt it was important to comment. By someone - even not yourself if you dont feel up to it, stepping in for an appropriate intervention, removing him from the family situation and allowing councelling and rehabilitiion of his behaviour - whatever its causes - there is every chance that this young mans issues could be dealt with. By being left in thsi situation he will be getting hurt and isolated and eventually, if not all ready, angry. He may be ashamed of himself and being forced to hate himself even more as a teenager - whom as we know are at a difficult stage anyway. He may be angry and resentful of what he is being put through. Either way a situation is being built that i truly believe will end badly. For the sake of every woman and girl this young lad comes into contact with in the future, and for his own future - someone MUST step in and try and do something to resolve the issue. I really feel for your position - how awful and i truly hope you find a way to help everyone involved!

MadeyeMoodyHare · 22/07/2007 19:52

If you feel that you can help, then please do. I cannot offer any advice on how, what and when, but this young lad needs someone on his side. Maybe NSPCC would be a starting point?

Yurtgirl · 22/07/2007 19:56

Verytricky - three thoughts that sprung to my mind

1 - Apart from the incident of which he was accused is he in other respects a likeable boy?
2 - What has happened in his own life to make him behave in that way
3 - His parents are treating him in a way similar to David in "A child called it". What they are doing to him is psychological abuse and imo no better behaviour than what he did

Hope that makes sense

DoubleBluff · 22/07/2007 19:59

Not sure I believe this thread because there is no way an abuser would be allowed to remain in the same house as his victim. Chhild or not.

Original poster

verytricky · 30/09/2007 15:22

The girl ( my neice) is from BILs first relationship and therefore resides with her mother and other siblings. When the incident occured they were on a weekend visit to BILs ( as he is their dad.) The boy has now volunteered to go into care, how much this was truly voluntary i do not know. He still attends the same school as his sister and is 'bragging' at the amount of pocket money he gets whilst in care. His mother probably with influence from my BIL and In-laws is going to change his school. I have asked DH whether we could have him here and he is catagorically saying "no". Which is understandable becuase it is his brothers daughter who was abused. It is such a mess. He cannot come on visits ( if that were allowed) as we live an unmanageable distance. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/09/2007 15:26

What an awful situation for everyone involved.

Shunning him isnt going to help him at all, but I understand the need for the family to protect itself/its children too.

But he is also still a child.

How dreadful.

I'm guessing that the only real source of help might be through the NSPCC. At least they might have names or numbers of professionals that can help here.

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