Am I the unreasonable one

[Aimee30]

Sorry for the long thread 😬 so abit of back story, my dh used to have a drinking problem where he would drink and take drugs and not come home for days on end.. he was given an ultimatum his family or that..he choose us and that was 3 years ago.. he’s been amazing and so focused on me and our children..beginning of the year we decided to try for anouther baby with great success.. about a month ago he decided to make a disappearing act again..he said was a wobble and won’t happen again but recently he’s become quiet, not interested in me always sat with his phone in hands.. so I asked him what’s up and he said he feels like somthing is missing in life.. he wants to able to go and do lad things have lad talk, like trips nights away to blow of steam and come home..obviously I had a problem with this because don’t want this spiralling out of control..he then said he feels like I act like his mum and he shouldn’t have to ask my permission that he should be able to have 1 or 2 nights away without me..am I totally unreasonable tia

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Is there a half way house? Like an afternoon off rather than a lad's weekend away?

This sort of is the half way house,he’s not missing or turning phone off, no drugs and doesn’t want to go out and let of steam round where we live as he said this is where he used to go missing and doesn’t want to be around those type of people.. my problem is that this is going to open a can or worms and send him down the wrong path again..when he was drinking I was the unhappiest I’ve ever been..

Is he tee total now? If he has had problems with substance abuse he needs to avoid situations where he could be tempted. A "lads' holiday" where everyone else will be drinking is clearly not appropriate. If he thinks it is, surely he hasn't really confronted and accepted the extent of his problem?

Did he seek help for his issues or did he just go cold turkey on going out? Are his friends the same as from years ago?

If he cant go out without going to extremes its family or going out.

His addiction is calling him, isn't it?

Can't you have a girl's holiday too? Not at the same time obvs. My ddil is going away for a long weekend with her bff and leaving the dgc with me and my ads (children's dad). The dgd3 has arrived, and dgs6 will be here soon. But if DH is entitled to have lads holidays, what's sauce for the goose...

He’s been tee total practically for 3 years apart from the odd wedding where he had few beers.. at the time when he decided to stop we went to drs together they gave him anti depressants as he wasn’t coping well with stress at work and using the drink to forget it all.. and then as soon as he would drink he choose to take other things too.. yes the friends that he is planning on going with are still the same..but he keeps saying he’s grew up now and know to only stick to drink.. we are both arguing a lot over this to the point we may seperate over it.. he says I need to giv him a chance and treat him like an adult..I’m just scared this will be the end of us

No really as I’m currently pregnant.

But he is an addict? You never stop being an addict. They are addicts because they don't know when to stop, so he can't go away with the same people and only drink, but not drink too much. If he doesn't understand that, you're better off without him. He says you're behaving like his mother, but that is because he needs boundaries that the average adult doesn't need, and you're the only one providing them.

Can you try spelling it out to him in the most brutal terms? That he should never drink again. Not even at weddings. That you are pregnant, and that his sobriety for the sake of his family should be more important that a lads' weekend away?

Perhaps suggest some new hobbies or sports he can take up, in order to get his alone time, and maybe make some new friends where the focus isn't drinking?

He’s kind of giving me the ultimatum now of stop treating him like a kid or he’s leaving

I’ve gone above and beyond to help him get hobbies in the beginning he enjoyed running so spent fortunes on running gear, gym memberships, got him season tickets for football to go with me, suggested maybe golf or somthing like that with other friends but he’s not interested anymore..he’s even started smoking again when he’s been quit smoking for two years

How old is he? Did you get together really young? If he’s determined maybe you should call his bluff and tell him to move out. He has kids and responsibilities. He can’t have it all ways, we all need to blow off steam but my steam blowing is a Friday night 8-midnight having drinks. Still put kids to bed and am home for the morning normal. Wanting a regular weekend away is ok as long as he’s not wanting that every week?!! Why does it have to be a whole weekend? Can’t there be a halfway house? For example he gets Friday night to go out and do what he wants but he doesn’t drink and is home the rest of the week? There has to be a compromise surely?

Let him go then! he shouldn't be so selfish, you're pregnant ffs! He should have thought about this before trying for a baby.

Sounds like he’s having a crisis and feeling suffocated? This won’t end well. Can you get him to go somewhere else (parents etc) for the weekend and get some space? Are you sure there’s nobody else? OW?

Teetotal. Not tee total

So, he has changed his mind about the ultimatum. He has chosen the drink over his family afterall. Not uncommon.

You need to look after you and the kids. He will do what he is going to do. Don't beg him. Don't let him make you make the decision/feel responsible

It's nothing to do with him feeling too young or whatever - he is addicted to the high he got when drinking and taking drugs and that addiction is calling to him now. He's blaming you rather than the addiction.

Let him go. He's an addict and always will be. You're life will always be spent wondering and worrying. Sod that.

Maybe your pregnancy is making pressure and feel like ducking out of responsibility and falling off the wagon. I think you should give him a clear ultimatum- no lads weekends away etc, or no you and the kids.

We’ve been together 15years have two daughters and anouther on the way, the thought of someone else has crossed my mind, I have asked him Aswell if it’s someone else and he promises that there isn’t.. it’s not like he hasn’t had his party days cos majority of our relationship he has done that except the last 3 years.. we have talked about this in length to the point it’s exhausting me.. he wants a chance to prove he grown up and I’ve said the moment it goes wrong he has to move out..but just feel like I’m waiting for it to happen..

maybe, one of my biggest issues is why decide to have anouther child when you don’t know what you want yourself

To add Aswell I have touched a drop of alcohol in 3 to support (I’ve never had a problem) and I’ve gave up my social life for him.. so literally have no friends left myself

You've been together 15 years!? Sounds like a mid life crisis to me!

Yeah, lovely, dance around the manchild :-(

Motherof3feminists has it completely.

He's choosing the addiction over you. so either accept it or you don't.

And if you don't - well it sounds like he has the new victim lined right up. Sorry x