Long time lurker, first post. Can anyone give me advice or links on how to detach from DH? How to not give him mental space, all the 101 if only I did this or said this he'd realise and change type thoughts. I need to stop them so I can sleep and get better.
Our relationship is a mess and everything is just going round in my mind over and over. We have 4 DC 10 & under. I got sick when pregnant with our 4 year old, the toddler wasn't planned and neither of us counted on how much sicker that pregnancy would make me. But we both agreed to continue the pregnancy and its not like DH life changed, despite how sick I am I still do pretty much everything at home and 80% of the weekend stuff with kids, plus all the nights and the early morning rise except on Sunday. I have a rare form of chronic pain and arthritis. I'm in an overwhelming amount of pain all the time and I have nothing left, but DH still won't step up.
DH works full time at a desk job, not long hours, he finds it stressful but won't consider getting an easier job that pays less, which we could afford or getting a cleaner, which he says we can't afford even though we can.
He won't pick up after himself and he stirs the kids up, they behave a lot worse when he's home. He's always threatening to smack or pinch them. He knows I can't stand this and think it's wrong. He's always shushing them or telling them to shut it for normal kid noise. I think saying shut it to a little kid is horrible, but he won't stop. I've spent years trying to fix things.
2 weeks ago he got really pissed off because I left the dryer on too long. One of the kids accidentally locked the back door while he was outside in the laundry so instead of knocking he pounded on the door till I came and opened it then shoved the washing basket into me, which hurt and told me off for putting it on to long. Now I feel anxious if I use the dryer or if he's outside I keep checking the doors still unlocked. It's winter here, very cold, and I need the dryer.
Two days later he was sitting on the couch and DD was climbing on him and hurt DH accidentally. DH pushed her off really hard, DD said he threw her. I don't know exactly what happened, but DD was hurt and really distressed and DH just kept going on about how DD was hurting him, as if it was dd fault. DD has some SEN and she's only 4.5. Someone else is always to blame. He didn't apologise for hurting her or check she was OK. Dd was really scared. She'd been about to go out with DH, she stayed home with me instead and just sat on my lap for a long time doing nothing, wasn't interested in TV or a book. Normally she's never still.
These incidents were out of character for H but I'm constantly on edge now, wondering what will set him off next. Jumping in if he starts to raise his voice with the kids and calming down the situation. I don't know if I'm over reacting, I feel so anxious when he's around now.
Since then I've been a bit distant with him, but polite, not ignoring him or anything and he's been doing little things. Like telling me on the weekend in an angry agressive voice that he'll clean up after lunch later. He usually leaves it to me. Then leaving the mess for 2 hours. The kids ran through the mess and he told them off for stepping in it.
I'm over it, I'm so exhausted and drained and I have nothing left, but I am way too sick right now to leave. I need to find a way to detach so I can sleep and recover a bit. I know I'll have to reconsider if things escalate, but right now it's what my body can cope with without collapsing completely. I really can't deal with more pain.
I know that was long. Thanks if you made it this far.