Day One NC - it hurts

[DayOneNC]

I'm going to try and keep this brief, I could honestly write pages.

I've been with him for 5 years. He struggles with relationships. He's finished it a few times, but we've got back together - mostly instigated by him.

He helped move into a new home last weekend (along with my sons), he came to see me yesterday (there is 50min drive between us). He helped doing some things at the house and was generally upbeat and positive. After dinner we were sitting chatting when he suddenly started explaining that he was struggling with all relationships, work, college (he's doing a course) and ours. I was not surprised, I had been waiting for this bombshell, from experience I knew he was building to it.

He said he knew I loved him and he loves me (it was the first time he has ever said that he loves me), he said he enjoys being with me, spending time, talking etc. but he thinks he can never really commit to anyone, he blames his parents and upbringing for not being good with people.

He asked didn't I want more than he could give me, I agreed yes I wanted more.. it only made sense to be honest.

We haven't made love for a couple of months, I was stressed with house moving and work, and he just didn't seem to want to. We were sleeping together and were very close and cuddling.

I'm exhausted from house moving, it feels unreal, but I knew it was coming...

I'm going to try and throw myself into making my new home how I want it.

I'm going to go NC I think I have to.

I just needed to share, my sister and daughter in laws don't really get on with him and think he isn't good for me so they will probably be secretly thinking it's for the best even though they will support me.

But I miss him already. It hasn't been 24 hours yet 

You're doing so well. You're worth so much more and you deserve so much more, you've recognised that and acted on it, well done you.

Be kind to yourself, its so hard.

Love your own self for a change OP.

Be kind to yourself indeed and value your own self more to boot. I would also consider counselling.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? What are your boundaries in relationships like?.

Read about codependency and see how much if any of this fits in with your own behaviours. Also Baggage reclaim is a good relationship site as well. What roles have you played in this overall dysfunctional relationship here?.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood.

Its sad actually that this man has managed to inveigle his way into your life these past five years. Its telling too that your sister and DILs do not like him (and perhaps they tried to tell you before now but knew that you were not receptive to listen). What do your sons think of him?.

I will read the recommended books, thank you, the suggestions do strike a cord.

My son's tolerated him, my family are very welcoming and accepting of people. They were very much being there for me, I suppose knowing it was only a matter of time before i was in this position again. My DIL has already told me I need to think about me, and that he will never be a "keeper" who puts me first.

I'm feeling so confused by his mixed behaviour yesterday.

My sister is visiting me tonight, that will help keep my mind off him 🙁

Day 2 - wishing he would contact me and say he wants to try again... he won't do that , and I won't contact him.

I should be continuing my unpacking, but I want to just sit, drinking tea, feeling miserable.

Why is he 'in charge' of the relationship? It's not going anywhere, is it? From what you've said it seems as if you've always been waiting for him to end it. That's not a relationship, it's a destructive habit.

For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with you, will not commit to you. I bet your family would be delighted if he never contacted you again. Saying 'I love you' is just words if there's nothing to back it up, and there isn't, is there?

Please stop letting him dictate how this will be - take charge of it yourself. He's told you it's over, take him at his word and don't look back. There is better out there for you if you will raise your bar higher than to be so accepting of being treated so poorly.

I know it hurts. But that doesn't last forever.

postmalesyndrome.com/why-you-need-to-stay-on-the-white-horse/ great article. Great site all round. If he discards you like this and you allow him to come back it's a roadmap for how to treat you.

Supercali77 thank you for the link. You are right, everything was an attempt to keep him happy, well not really happy, he is not a happy person. I should have given up on him ages ago.

I am definitely done, even if it hurts saying that.

I'm worth more than he can give me.

I will take all the advice I'm being given .

I've just started reading www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken-ebook/dp/B002RI9J5A?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Finding it a mixture of perking me up and making me see sense x

I'm not going no contact for now as at the moment we need to work through something together which is quite hard.

My heart skips a beat when I see his messages come in but I just try to leave them for a few hours so that I'm not reading when I'm feeling like that.

This book has been a godsend.

I'll get the book, thanks for the recommendation.

I know what you mean, I'm sure my heart would skip a beat if he made contact. I feel ridiculous just saying it..

We'll get through it...

His loss!

Day 3, I've been keeping busy, but when I stop and sit quietly I feel the missing 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have downloaded the book you recommended @Deludingmyself it does seem to hit the nail on the head.

I will get past feeling so down.