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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He keeps starting arguments

54 replies

SarcasmQueen · 24/05/2019 08:47

Just wanted to get other peoples opinions on this.

So my boyfriend came home in a bad mood yesterday (not uncommon), I asked if he was ok if there was anything bothering him and got the common response of 'I'm fine'. So I leave it figuring if he wants to talk about whatever is bothering him then he'll say. While making dinner I ask if there's anything I can do to help, he says 'No, I'm just thinking about if I'm going to be here next month or move back with my parents'. We have been together 2 years and go engaged earlier this year so him threatening to leave came out of nowhere.

I asked where that came from and am met with silence. He has nothing more to say. Then he got annoyed at me because when he wanted hugs 5 minutes later I didn't really feel in the mood! He says he struggles to communicate and seems to think if he says that he can say whatever he wants and then give me the silent treatment and I can't say anything back because he 'struggles to communicate'.

He keeps starting arguments and then ending the conversation as soon as he has said something he knows will irritate/upset me. He also then blamed me for him selling his bike, saying I said he had to get rid of it. I have messages showing when he decided to get rid of it I was surprised and asked if he was sure, but he says I'm lying and I told him he had to get rid of it!.

He seems to think I am the one who has been unfair here but I don't agree. Am I wrong?

TLDR; Boyfriend keeps starting arguments then going silent, then later blames me saying I've twisted his words or I said something I didn't.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 24/05/2019 10:20

Get rid

Life is too short to be stuck with a mind twisting creep like this

RedPink · 24/05/2019 10:41

OP, I'd cancel the engagement and ask him to leave. You DO NOT want to spend you life with someone like this and if he is behaving like this now when you are meant to be in the honeymoon period of your relationship then goodness knows what he will be like later on when all life's normal stresses and strains come into play.

Do you want kids? If so then why would you deliberately chose someone like him to be their father. What happens if he can't communicate with your kids. Imagine how you would feel that you chose it.

Clutterbugsmum · 24/05/2019 10:46

Take the choice away from him. Pack his belongings and tell him to move back to his parents.

He is using 'sulking' and 'threats' to keep you on your toes and never knowing where you stand.

You are in the better position because the house is yours so he has no say in whether he stays or goes.

Apileofballyhoo · 24/05/2019 10:48

Jesus. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Annasgirl · 24/05/2019 10:56

Dear OP, please do not end up as one of the posters on here who is married with DC to an abusive man and cannot get him to leave etc.
You own your home, you are not married. Please let him move back to his parents - even that tells you all you need to know, he is planning on moving back to his mum and dad - how old is he? I imagine older than 18 if you own your own home.

No one deserves to live in a relationship like this. You are lucky he has shown his true colours early on, please just tell him to go to his parents and you move on.

BTW - if you were a man I would have the same advice for you. No one should be in a relationship with someone abusive.

EileenAlanna · 24/05/2019 11:02

The house is mine, I own it rather than rent. He seems to say that's why he doesn't feel at home there. But when I ask what would make him feel at home he doesn't answer.

I'd bet my last tenner that what would make him feel at home would be you putting his name on the deeds. Or if you sold your house & used your money from the sale as a big deposit on another house you "both" own. If you continue the relationship & eventually marry please be sure to ringfence your ownership of any new home. Make sure the property is owned 60/40, 80/20 or whatever according to how much each of you is putting into it. I'd be quite wary of him myself.

mbosnz · 24/05/2019 11:02

I agree, make the decision for him. Tell him that you'll have his gear packed for him, ready to go. This is no longer his choice, it's yours.

End the engagement. I guarantee you that anyone that cares for you will be breathing a huge sigh of relief when you tell them the wedding is off.

This level of gameplaying, immaturity, inept emotional manipulation/blackmail, and general drama llama'ing - is this what you want to shackle yourself to? Nah mate. . .

Original poster
SarcasmQueen · 24/05/2019 13:35

He didn't used to be like this, but it has been getting worse since he moved in. Obviously I'm around him more now, but I feel like his behaviour has changed since then. If he had been like this at the start it would never have progressed this far.

I know this isn't what I want the rest of my life to be, so I think we shall have a proper sit down conversation. If he isn't willing to talk then and grow up then I don't see a future.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/05/2019 14:17

How long has he been living with you at your house? Honestly it sounds like his mask has slipped now that he feels he's got his feet under the table - your table. Sod that, I couldn't stand being with a drama llama, life's too short for that shit.

SavingSpaces2019 · 24/05/2019 14:21

So he moved in despite it not feeling like his home?
when I ask what would make him feel at home he doesn't answer
What he wants is for YOU to take full responsibility for his feelings.
He wants YOU to come up with the answers that benefit him - so he can then use that to blame you whenever he wants - like he's doing currently re the bike.

He probably wants you to feel bad for him feeling 'not at home' in your house and offer to put him on the deeds - so he gets something for nothing.
No doubt, when it came to handing over his share of money for house repairs/costs etc he would then accuse you of 'making' him go on the deeds.

He just wants you to take full responsibility for everything so he can exactly what he wants whenever he wants without any regard for you.

Just get rid of him.

AnyFucker · 24/05/2019 14:23

I couldn't be arsed with that

It sounds to me he wants to end but is too cowardly and thinks if he fucks you about for long enough you will do it for him

The end result will be the same so I would put him out of his evident misery right away

RedPink · 24/05/2019 15:55

I couldn't be arsed with this either especially as it's still a relatively short relationship, but if you do want to give him another chance then maybe have a real think about what you are and are not prepared to put up with. Also it might be an idea to think about how long you will be happy to wait until he either shows he has grown up or not.
You don't need to tell him he is on probation. What you don't want to do is let this drag on and on.

Also, I'd suggest you are very very very careful not to get pregnant any time soon

lunicorn · 24/05/2019 15:58

I would skip the chat. It won't work. LTB.

woollyheart · 24/05/2019 16:08

Tell him that you are finding it extremely difficult to have a positive relationship because of his struggles to communicate and his sulking. But you think that you have finally got the message that he is unhappy, so he should definitely move back to his parents where he feels comfortable.

Lunde · 24/05/2019 16:21

OMG dump him - dump him now

I married a guy like this and it doesn't get any better - the sulking to control, the refusal to accept any fault, the martyrdom where he is always the victim and the gaslighting by repeatedly rewriting history and trying to convince you that his fairytale version of events is always correct.

He is showing you who he is - even the asking "if I wanted him to come home this evening or not" is part of him playing the martyr so he can tell people that you "threw him out for no reason". Are you prepared to live with being blamed for the rest of your life? Get out now!

Honeyroar · 24/05/2019 16:24

How long has he lived with you? It sounds like you need to tell him he needs to sit down and have a mature conversation with you, sort everything out, or else he may as well move back with his mummy and daddy right now.

Aquilla · 24/05/2019 16:24

'He wanted cuddles five minutes later...'
I find this the worst bit! You don't want a wet blanket of a bloke if the shit hits the fan.
Sorry op but he sounds bleak.

PicsInRed · 24/05/2019 16:32

Dear God, don't put his name on the house deeds. Double up the contraception.

Do NOTHING that makes you stuck with this utter plonker.

PickAChew · 24/05/2019 16:37

You need to tell him that moving back to his parents' is a really good idea.

PicsInRed · 24/05/2019 16:39

I'd pack and deliver his belongings for him and change the locks simultaneously.

Bye then. 👋👋

Lllot5 · 24/05/2019 16:42

Tell him to fuck off back to his parents. No kids no mortgage not married easy get rid.

SpoonBlender · 24/05/2019 16:52

This is why you should always live with someone before getting marriage-level serious - it's a different dynamic and reveals red flags.

Tell him you don't want him back, given that he's raised the idea.

SandyY2K · 24/05/2019 17:57

So my boyfriend came home in a bad mood yesterday (not uncommon

This is enough reason to end it, without the rest of his shit.

Starlight456 · 24/05/2019 18:03

I would say your pondering was a premonition. He won’t be living there.

Gaslighting describes perfectly

poglets · 24/05/2019 18:06

Yes, make the decision for him and tell him to go. He sounds cruel and immature. He has somewhere to go, you have no shared commitments.

Tell him on his bike...oh dear, he doesn't have one. Zero fucks to give.