Hello,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have three children who are 6, 4 and 4 months (yes I know...) We have always been fairly volatile together but the relationship has deteriorated massively over the past couple of years - MUCH worse since I had a miscarriage in 2017.
He's controlling and verbally abusive in a way that he sometimes recognises but will not acknowledge enough to actually seek help. He won't engage in any conversation about how things have got. Generally we have flare ups during which we are thoroughly hideous to each other and then he will ignore me for days on end, often (like tonight), just not coming home after work and not letting me know, even though he knows i've had the children all day and have to put all of them to bed.
I am utterly utterly exhausted, I have been asking him for over a year to either come with me to counselling or to discuss separation with me. He won't do either. He sends me abusive messages whilst ignoring me when he's at home.
From my perspective, he's controlling and stubborn, never wrong, never vulnerable, never week, he withholds emotionally, he doesn't really have any other relationships and when he gets stressed or tired or ill, he's really unpleasant in a way I'm not sure he recognises. It feels like he's speaking to me like I'm a piece of shit - with utter disdain. And I can only stay calm for so long. It tends to build and build until I lose it and lash out - shout, cream, cry, insult him.. so then he tells me I'm abusive and he's doing his best.
After the flare ups, he tends to think we can just brush everything under the carpet and carry on as normal. He gets annoyed that I can't just move on without "holding a grudge."
I've spoken about separation and divorce and he won't engage in a discussion. Just tells me to move out and/or "do something about it" if I'm not happy. Last year in desperation I went to see a solicitor and she told me that if it went through the courts then it would be likely I'd get to stay in the house with the children. But he won't leave. This week I moved all mine and the baby's stuff out of the bedroom into the spare room and he hasn't even mentioned it.
I feel like screaming the house down. Should I just file for divorce?