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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?

11 replies

charliiiii · 23/05/2019 21:37

Hi, so I am in a relationship with somebody who is generally lovely to me. From when we first met me would go to all lengths to make me feel beautiful and make sure I felt like he wanted to be with me and how much he loved me ect.

Now I am only young and I am looking for advice as I have never been with anyone else (other than an abusive ex who I was with for years).

However I know I'm going to sound crazy when I say this but it just feels like their has been a huge shift in energy and something just doesn't feel right. It just feels like he tried to win me over and now he's got me, he's just not bothered about me, things just aren't how they used to be.

Is this normal?

When we first got together, he told me he worked away every now and again, when in reality he was 100s of miles away most days of the week, he used to just take days off of work and come back home so i didn't know this. This meant I got attached and didn't really know what I was getting myself in for. This meant in reality we could only see each other 2 nights a week if he was able to come home on a weekend and had a 5 night wait to see each other (again, IF he was able to come home the following weekend )Now I know this works for some people and that is fine but it just is not what I would have wanted in a relationship. However for almost a year he told me it was temporary, knowing full well it wasn't and when I mentioned about him finding something closer to home he would get annoyed at me, however would spend his time moaning about his job. He did start a new job this week, obviously I am happy about this and I would never expect somebody to change their job for me, but I just wish he had been honest about working away. I told him for months and months and months that I was wanting to break up as the distance was really hard for me and he said that I did not love him if that's what I thought, however for me the thought of not having to be counting the hours to see somebody would make things easier for me i did find the distance really hard and I was honest with this. However he got the job because he wanted a change not because it was making me upset. However, I had a job he did not like and I found a new job and left the old job within a couple of months of him even mentioning it.

I feel like I'm being really selfish but stuff just is not how it used to be and I know I am not happy but every time I do try to leave and call it a day, he treats me really well again. Why do men do this?

I don't want to be treated like I am gods gift because I know I am now but I just feel like he is not bothered at all about me any more and he loses his temper when I ask if something is wrong, I have told him I just need the reassurance and he's told me I am being stupid.

I feel like I need to mention how I feel to him but I don't know what to say. I feel pathetic I never talk about my feelings because i don't want to hurt his, every time he wants to see my I am there and I feel like I used to spend my days waiting for him to come home because I missed him so much and now he is home he just isn't bothered for me at all. It's really disappointing because I love him so much and I was really excited to have a normal life with him.

We used to talk about marriage and wanted me to come off of my pill and everything's just completely changed and I don't know why

How would you go about this and what are your thoughts

OP posts:
horizontalis · 23/05/2019 22:08

he loses his temper when I ask if something is wrong

he's told me I am being stupid

I feel pathetic I never talk about my feelings because I don't want to hurt his

he just isn't bothered for me at all

If your friend confided in you and said these things to you, what would you think?

Bananalanacake · 23/05/2019 22:12

stay on the pill and don't move in with him. suggest you take it slowly.

Plipplopbop · 23/05/2019 22:18

Others wiser than me will be on shortly I'm sure but look up 'love ;bombing' . This man is abusive, but just subtler than your last boyfriend so it's caught you unawares. It won't get better, it WILL get worse, you are not stupid, you are strong and worth more than this faker.

charliiiii · 23/05/2019 22:30

I thought everyone would comment on this telling me to not be so selfish and to grow up.

I thought I was being crazy, he is genuinely nice to me it just feels like it went from him going to every length, messaging my mum telling her he wants to marry me ect to just not being arsed at all.

I really struggle talking about my feelings to anyone but i have asked 'do you still love me' 'are we still okay' and he has just told me that it pisses him off when I say it although I have said in a text before I don't mean to sound annoying when I ask and that I would like the reassurance sometimes.

At first i wasn't wanting a boyfriend at all due to stuff that has happened in the past and an ongoing court case but now it feels like I am attached and left with these feelings and he's only putting the effort in sometimes. I feel really pathetic saying this out loud because my past relationship was absolutely awful and this nowhere compares but I don't know how to tell him how I feel.

I did have a big cry on him a couple of months ago because I don't understand how I used to let somebody smack me but my current partner who has never laid a finger on me fall out over him not seeing me and bicker over small things.

I feel really confused. I love him so much

OP posts:
DuchessOfAdler · 23/05/2019 22:49

Trust your intuition.

Focus on how you FEEL!

I was in an abusive relationship years ago too and it can take a while to get from an abusive x to the right relationship. It takes a while to feel comfortable with feeling comfortable. It's a gradual process. For a while I felt stifled by people who were too ''giving''. I would try to repay them instantly so that I wasn't beholden to them, so that I owed them nothing. I couldn't let anybody do anything nice for me. I would insist I didn't need any ''niceness'. And when you do that you push genuinely lovely people who are comfortable with reciprocated gestures of good will away and make room for people who are comfortable taking.

Watch some clips on youtube about over coming the desire to people please in a relationship. Brianna mcwilliams, lisa romano, ross rosenberg, meredith miller. Alan robarge. all very very very helpful.

charliiiii · 23/05/2019 22:53

@DuchessOfAdler I will take a look into that! Thank you, victims support have recently been in touch with me and I am going to be looking at getting some help now. I have bought a diary today too to try start putting some feelings down x

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 23/05/2019 23:24

It sounds very much like a toxic relationship, when you raise your feelings you are invalidated. I also think him lying at the start is very significant.

How old are you? Please don't settle and definitely do not get pregnant.

DuchessOfAdler · 24/05/2019 18:34

👍👍👍 i have learnt a lot from those youtubers. Xx

Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2019 18:41

He is awful and you know he is. Break this cycle of going from one abusive relationship to another. Get rid of him immediately and don't look back. Everything you've written about him is a fucking nightmare. Surely, you must realise this?

HollowTalk · 24/05/2019 18:43

Think of yourself as your own daughter - what would you say to her in years to come if she told you this about her boyfriend?

Please do everything possible not to get pregnant with him - once that happens everything becomes much more difficult.

Closetbeanmuncher · 24/05/2019 23:47

@horizontalis has it.

What also bothers me is the fact that when you try to end it he starts feeding you crumbs of kidness to keep his hooks in

Major alarm bells 🔔

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