Life after abuse

[iwantanewusername]

I wanted your opinions MNetters....those who have left abusive relationships, what helped you to move on?

Long story short, I asked ExH for a divorce nearly three years ago, in that time we were still living together, did couples counselling (I know, I know), individual counselling as well, but after around 9-10months I told him I did want a divorce and the counselling hadn't changed my mind - if anything it opened my eyes to a lot more but I didn't tell him that. We had to live together during the divorce proceedings and he was antagonistic and it was all hard. He eventually moved away last summer and I was left holding the (proverbial) baby - dealing with the house viewings/sale etc.

Everything was finalised earlier this year and there is overwhelming relief, but am also realising I haven't dealt with the grief and loss of the relationship. For the last 2.5 years I've been surviving, the counselling I was having was pretty much focused on me letting off steam about ExH's current behaviour.

Does life get easier? Can you ever trust a partner again? Do you find love and happiness? How do you build up your shattered self esteem and confidence (I have pretty much been comfort eating for the last 3 years!)
One of the things that worries me is ending up in a similar relationship again, it doesn't help that one of ExH comments was how he hoped the next guy I am with beats the fucking shit out of me as then I'll realise he (exH) did nothing...ugh.

Sorry you’ve been through this OP. I’ve been through something similar and I’m not through the end of it yet, although I feel I’m getting there.

Ive found it extremely difficult to maintain a relationship as a xo sequence of the treatment I was subjected to in a previous abusive relationship so much so I’m seriously considering calling time on it. My past plays a big part, I still love my ex very much, we have a child together and I find trusting my new guy very difficult. I’ve got my walls up and I’m not sure how to let them down.

One thing to note is that we have been unlucky being in relationships with these kind of men and not all are the same, I do believe good guys exist it’s just finding them and then when you do trusting them. I’m very open with my DP about my anxiety and the past as I need him to understand the rationale for why I do the things I do.

Counselling has been really beneficial to me, if you can gain access I’d highly recommend.

I do hope you find happiness OP.

Thanks Leftie I am having some form of counselling, it's different to my previous experience (more focused on what's going on in the present than what has already happened).

I've also moved abroad so there is a lot going on at the moment. It's a little lonely as I don't have many friends in the area I'm in. I'm trying to make friends it's just hard as an adult!

ExH was my first ever bf and then I married him, I never dated in my teens or 20s...doing it now whilst older is just daunting. I'm not going to for now because I think I'll attract the wrong type of guy and because it is scary. I was shit at it before I was married and ExH broke whatever self esteem I had built up.