Competitive friend or is it me?

[user50000a]

I have a friend from waayyyyy back, families know each other etc etc. they, as a family, have always been competitive. let's call my friend Jess.

Jess comes from money and was handed her job by her dad. I have come from similar background (much less money) but now am in a good job which pays well and is objectively a 'better' job than she is in. im just setting the background here!

Jess had an engagement party last week. her fiancé has never been to my home (he works away a lot and I have only been there a year) and he was asking about it. Jess jumps in and says it's too small for a family (it isn't and is an irrelevant comment anyway just now as im single), before I can even answer. she's in a similar size house, probably a little smaller. I found the comment odd.

I hadn't spent time with her like that in ages and it reminded me of other instances, when she first came to my new house she asked when I would be redecorating to "get rid" of the colour in the dining room. a colour I have never changed as I think it is lovely! a few years back when I was living in a flat and she had just bought her house, she said that she was "so glad she wasn't living in some flat"....I was still in a flat at the time.

there's been other comments about my job and how im not yet owning my own business - which, given the industry I work in, is an odd thing to say and a clear put down, as I specialise in professional services where most people never set up their own business. it isn't said as a helpful suggestion, more of a point where she thinks I've failed in some way.

when she got engaged a couple of months back, we met and I congratulated her, gave her a card and helped plan the party...she managed to fit in that I needed to "hurry up and find someone" as I was getting behind.

this is one of those situations where I now read into everything she says looking for the put down, where possibly I am being a bit over the top? im not sure.

at no point has she ever properly congratulated me on any of my achievements, whether that's been work, in relationships or buying a house etc but I feel I have fully supported her everytime she's had something to celebrate. am I being sensitive here? please be blunt with me, maybe I need a shake up and not to take things to heart!! ideally I don't want to lose the friendship, but as ive got older I have started wondering what I get out of it!

Yeah sounds like she is insecure and puts you down to feel better about herself.

This is not a real friendship. All ye share is history.
Move on and focus on the relationships in your life that bring you pleasure.

But why do you want to hang on to this friendship? She insults you all the time!

Wow! You’ve let her get away with Faaaarrr too much!

Stop being so available for her, back away and leave her to it.

Otherwise you’ll end up cracking and giving her a monologue that’s she’ll never forget

You don’t need people in your life like her. She’s taking up the space where a real friend would be.

I've noticed I almost get drawn into it...thinking defensively that actually my house IS nice etc etc...things that never even cross my mind around other friends.

how would you deal with those comments if something is said again? I never know how to respond without me myself sounding like an arrogant person. for example I cant say "no actually my house IS big enough for a family"... without sounding like a dick?

I wouldn't give it too much head space as I don't think she will feel bad about things she has said she will probably just think you are jealous of her. I would ease off from the friendship. If anything I would give her a sympathetic head tilt and in your softest tone say, 'Jess, is everything ok with you? I have noticed you make comments to try to put me down and make your life seem superior, are you unhappy with your life?'

Neither of you sound like you like each other much tbh.

Friendship has just fizzled, it happens sometimes. There's no need for it to be a big drama or plan responses to what she might say ahead of time etc, I'd just let this one go

I have a similar thing, but it’s my kids that my friend puts down, particularly the fact that mine have had PT retail jobs - she would never let hers work in retail 😳

Given that neither of hers have ever had a PT job (and it’s not because they are loaded, far from it!!), her comments come across as a bit stupid (all 4 DC are between 18 and 21, at various stages of education)

Last year she made a comment about my DD not having passed her driving test 11mths after turning 17 (she actually passed a couple of days later), her youngest is now 10+ months and not passed....

The latest comment was about my DS career plans. DS wants to work in a very niche aviation role and was extremely fortunate to land a placement year with the company that employs in that role. The placement finishes soon and then he has his final year at uni. He will try to get in the niche role after uni, but if not, will try and get into the company in another role.

Her take on that was “sounds utterly boring but someone must do it”!!

WTF - I don’t know how I didn’t say something nasty to that comment, but she is otherwise a nice person and I don’t want to lose the friendship. I did rant to a mutual friend whose DC have also been on the receiving end of some comments, so I know it is not just mine. I have come to the conclusion that the put downs are her problem not mine. I do think she is envious in some way, even though her DC are far more academic than mine.

Interestingly, her youngest’s gf has a PT job with same retailer as my DD, but she even makes disparaging remarks about that, including the gf can’t possibly be paying her own car insurance on a retail wage. I didn’t want to point out that my DD has part paid for a car, all insurance and a significant amount to go travelling. All whilst on a retail wage in her gap year.

sophiesdog astonished by some of that!! what is wrong with people!! especially your son's placement... how about a "well done to him" instead hey!

Are her kids actually working at all, @sophiesdog? They may well struggle to find work after uni if all they have is their degree. You learn a hell of a lot in a retail role, not least how to be polite to people. She could do with that herself.

She’s not a proper friend. You haven’t found each other because you like each other. You’ve been thrown together because your families happen to know each other. Time to break away. You aren’t compatible and you have little in common. She probably says those things because either a) she doesn’t care about your feelings anyway so might as well say some nasty shit or b) she’s just generally a twat and that’s the way she tends to treat others. Either way, not nice traits and I find people who have been spoilt like her tend to be a bit unkind and ungrateful like that. Don’t engage anymore. Don’t message her. Find other friends. Next time she says anything at all just snap back “oh please shut up you’re always so bloody rude” and walk away. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen? She goes crying boo hoo to daddy? Why do you even care. Might as well stand up for yourself and put her in her place. You’ll probably be doing the world a huge favour

She sounds like a dick. Life's too short to hang out with people like this, they just suck the joy out of everything

No, neither of hers have ever done a days work. One is doing A levels and going to uni in autumn, eldest is finishing second year. He tried for a summer internship but didn’t get it, he hopes to get a placement for Sept 2020 onwards, but .....given he has never worked, we will see!

Yes some of her comments are astonishing.....my DH says to drop the friendship but she is otherwise a nice person. I know she has made similar comments about mutual friends kids, and as for the comments on youngests gf - she has a wealthy dad but still does 2 PT jobs. Whoever pays her car insurance is irrelevant!

I wouldn’t mind if friend had a top job, but she is in an admin role that doesn’t require her degree (not knocking her role at all, but she’s not a top dog).

‘Good thing you don’t live here then.’

‘Depends on how many kids you have’.

‘Why would I start my own business? I’m not sure you understand what I do.’

‘Not everyone can do my job it’s true.’

‘Oh, you don’t like the colour? Oh well each to their own.’

‘I’m not too fussed about being in a relationship at the moment. One day maybe.’

And at the end of every comment you make in reply, ask her about herself.

Instead of falling out, every time she comments just say: I'm very happy with X, aren't you happy with yours.

If she can't say something ok after that, avoid her as much as possibly.

My first thought in the house would be that she was hinting to her fiancé that they need a bigger house.

The suggestion to paint the room just about taste. She didn’t like it and knowing you didn’t pick thought it ok to suggest changing it. I don’t see it as competitive because you didn’t pick it.

Yes she was rude with the flat comment but people say it all the time about flats. I once lived in a fantastic well located London flat that most people were envious of. But they still said they didn’t want to live in a flat around me. Just crass and I assume they thought i knew it didn’t apply.

She was wrong to say you should hurry up and find someone. But there are lots of people who still think a woman needs a husband. They don’t and it’s a sad opinion likely to lead to unhappiness for her.

I think this last jibe got to you. I sympathise I have a friend who only values achievement if it’s the cliched “get husband and a nice house” standard. She drops bombs like your friend all the time. Mostly I like her but she has never truly found happiness. So I feel sorry for her in a silent but slightly superior way.