Anger management help?

[crispysausagerolls]

I was hoping someone had some advice for how to control my temper, specifically with DH. I am starting to feel abusive almost because when he upsets me I just swear at him and it’s actually completely unacceptable behaviour and he is a good man who doesn’t deserve it.

Eg last night at 3-4am our son wouldn’t sleep. I tried for 45 mins and was SO exhausted - he has just had an operation (DS) so i am very sleep deprived and I was asking DH to help. He wouldn’t because he has work tomorrow and I called him a cunt and made him sleep in the other room.

What I really wanted to say was “DH, if you do not help me and I do not get any sleep i won’t be fit to parent tomorrow. I am so tired. Please help me” but I just lost my temper instead. I feel completely ashamed of myself and i notice this has been happening more and more. I have never been good with my emotions (usually crying out of frustration in front of teachers or male figures etc) but this has got to stop I don’t want DH to feel bullied and I don’t want my son to pick up bad habits.

Sleep deprivation doesn’t bring out the best in us 💐💐
Is there anyone who can mind your child while you have a rest during the day?
Do you usually have anger issues or just during periods of sleep deprivation?

It's good you're acknowledging and realising that behaviour isn't okay, do you express your remorse and tell your partner you know it isn't okay as well?
I had a similar issue with my temper and I really found that forcing myself to give the situation space gave me the opportunity to calm down and regain rational thought. I found it really hard to start with because my instinct was just to react with whatever angry thing came into my head, but once I forced myself to step away I was definitely glad I did.
Have you always had the issue with your temper or has it developed with sleep deprivation etc?

do you express your remorse and tell your partner you know it isn't okay as well?

Yes, but my father used to beat my mother and brothers and then apologise, so apologising after being so unpleasant makes me feel just as bad and also like some sort of abusive spouse.

I do think it’s linked to tiredness, but I don’t think that’s an excuse.

Stepping away is a good idea.

Apologising definitely doesn't make the action okay I completely agree with you there!
Some people will act horribly though and then refuse to acknowledge that their behaviour was wrong, so while it doesn't make what you're doing okay, it's definitely a positive thing.
Counselling could also be an option? Especially after reading that you could be associating your own behaviour with trauma from your dad's behaviour. It's always good to talk things through with an impartial person like a counsellor.

Try CBT and hypnotherapy, journaling to keep an eye on your triggers, the Space App. And also try not to be too hard on yourself.

Will have a look at the space app - thank you!

DH is insisting it’s fine and not bad at all and he doesn’t take it personally but I know it’s time to change! Going to go to bed at 8pm tonight too

Sorry - STOP app. Think I autocorrected! Trust me, things aren't as bad as you think. Knowing you need to change is the biggest step, finding the tools to do so is the next step. Sounds like you are all over it. Please don't beat yourself up and feel too much like the bad guy. If the people who love us don't love us warts and all and are willing to help us change then they're not worth it. So let your man help you and let you help yourself. Clean slate x Good luck and lots of love x

aren't willing sorry, feels like I need an 8pm sleep too!

Thank you for being so kind x