trust is hard

[talltreewessex]

Hi everyone,

Some advice would be really helpful.

I met a guy online 6 months ago and we got on very well on the first date. We had lots of dates in the first month and very quickly became regular. It is an ideal match as we get on so well! Or so it seemed.

I discovered that he had been secretly having sex with someone else during our first month together (2 times) - an old date from last year. He said that it was just something that he was afraid of losing as he didn't know how far we would go. It had stopped before I had discovered it.

We agreed to be exclusive and fell in love and nothing has happened since that first month, but the first month is tainted and I am struggling to trust. I love him and he loves me but trusting is hard.

I guess the reality is, we hadn't agreed to be exclusive it was just assumed on my part.

We nearly broke up as I was quite upset and we both have shed tears over this. We're both very happy outside of this issue but it's a bit of a cloud.

Any advice guys?

Not a great start is it?How did you discover he was sleeping with someone else?

If he is open and transparent about things now, then maybe you will get past it. You could draw a line under that first month and not treat it as the actual start of your relationship until you both properly went exclusive.

Personally I don't understand dating and having sex with people whilst dating others...but that's me. I'd find this very difficult to get past too as trust is paramount for me.

I think you should really try to get over it if you can, a month in of dating someone you have no idea if they are going to end up being someone you want to commit to so I don't think it's particularly bad of him to be sleeping with someone else at that point (except from a hygiene point of view I suppose)
I found out two years into a relationship with an ex partner that he has slept with someone very early on when we were sleeping with each other, it only upset me because I had directly asked him if he had and he gaslighted me and made me feel like I was only suspicious because of past relationships. If he had been honest, I wouldn't have minded, a little jealous maybe. So I think if he's been honest with you and honest in his reasons for doing it I think it's worth trying to get past.

I had this with an ex, I always knew something wasn't quite right then his brother slipped up whilst we discussing "my trust issues" & said I know he messed about at the start blah blah blah.

The whole relationship was built on a lie & it hurt more as at the beginning it's supposed to be that special fun time and I knew it was over.

He painted a victim picture to everyone, that I was being unreasonable, he had made a mistake and I was crazy and had trust issues. Get out and save yourself the heartbreak.

I would hate that. You were having such a great time, but he was sneaking off to have sex with another woman. I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

However, a lot will say that if there was no talk of exclusivity, then exclusivity shouldn't be assumed.

SupaNintendoChalmers

I agree if my ex had been honest and upfront instead of gaslighting, I might have been able to work through it. As at least he could admit the problem and work through it as a couple. The denial and lying stops that from happening.

Fuck that
Next!

You say secretly? Had you had the "exclusive talk" or were you both in the very early stages of a budding relationship. I get seeing other people when "non exclusive" dating but have always been upfront about it, but as soon as you agree on exclusivity then its very clear.

If it is going to remain an issue then perhaps now is time to end it, if you can put it aside (and really put it aside, not bury it) then it sounds like you have something good.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the replies.

I’m going to embrace this relationship with my heart and soul. He is being honest and genuinely cares for me.

It is true love and we all get to that point in different ways.