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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i walk away

17 replies

Scared247 · 22/05/2019 23:08

Recently started seeing someone after splitting up with someone i had been with for 16 years and had 2 children. That relationship was abusive and he was controling. It took all my strength to leave.

Anyway that was a month before xmas and fast forward to now ive met someone who i think is great and has the potential to be the ideal guy for me....however i feel like theres a few red flags. I dont know if i am being over cautious because of my history or if this is something i need to take more seriously.

He claims to have complete trust in me yet feels the need to question so much. He never questions anything...unless it remotely concerns another guy then it becomes 20 questions without him actually directly asking about the guy who it could involve.

Then theres the fact that he seems to think i am going to change my mind and leave at any point. I dont get it. Its taken so much for me to open up to someone new, which he knows, yet seems to be quick to assume ill just walk away.he doesnt appreciate the effort i have put in to this.

I feel like i can already sense myself watching how i say things and thinking 'what would he think' before i do things and i feel like at this point i cant tell if its habit or him.

Were due to go away together in a few week and i genuinely dont know if i can. I already know i love him for the person he is beside what i have mentioned above...i just have this nagging doubt im going to get myself into a position again where someone dictates the way i live, or i change who i am to not 'rock the boat'.

Im so fustrated because i really love him and if he would just stop with this and i knew 100% he would never want me to change who i am i could see a real future with us.

I just dont know what to do...

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 22/05/2019 23:15

If your gut is trying to tell you something, listen to it.

Our instincts are usually right.

OldAndWornOut · 22/05/2019 23:23

I think you do know what to do; you just don't want to do it.

lifebegins50 · 22/05/2019 23:27

How long have you been together?
You are asking him to change his behaviour as you don't like it..is that not an alarm bell??

Have you rushed this relationship as he seems needy and much too full on for such an early relationship.

Original poster
Scared247 · 23/05/2019 07:01

A few month. Everything is usually great but he seems to be doubting me more without admitting it. I feel like he has no faith in me.

He isnt really needy hes happy to go at my pace.

OP posts:
crystalize · 23/05/2019 07:02

Sounds like he's needy and insecure. It is a shame as his behaviour will drive you away. Listen to your gut, he won't change, in fact its early days so he will get worse. He is showing you who he is sadly.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2019 09:27

So it's not even 6 months since you escaped an abusive 16 year relationship!?
You are not ready for this.
Did you get support from a DA organisation when you ended your last relationship?
If not then please do get in touch with Womens Aid.
You need to do their Freedom Programme.

You are absolutely right.
These are red flags and it's great you have spotted them.

Right now though, you need to concentrate on yourself.
Some counselling would be good for you.
Again, Womens Aid can point in the right direction for support.

PlinkPlink · 23/05/2019 10:01

They are red flags.

You should be cautious. You should go slow. You should listen to your gut.

You haven't spent alot of time being single after such a traumatic relationship.

You will find the right person once you understand that you shouldn't compromise at the beginning of a relationship. You shouldn't be making allowances or glossing over the less than good parts.

It should all be good at the beginning. Make it clear in your head what you will not stand for. No compromises. Any red flags should be listened to and your reaction should be to prepare to end things quickly.

PompeyBez · 23/05/2019 10:06

You need to trust your gut on this one OP.

happybunny007 · 23/05/2019 10:38

You’re not ready to ‘fall in love’. Fine to date, try a few guys out, have a laugh, sex, good times etc, but not ‘fall in love’.

Pinkmonkeybird · 23/05/2019 11:19

Listen to your instincts that's all I can say. If you are having to moderate your true self for fear of him saying something, then it is a big red flag. Walk away...someone else is out there for you.

MiraculousMarinette · 23/05/2019 13:41

So it's not even 6 months since you escaped an abusive 16 year relationship!? You are not ready for this

I wholeheartedly agree with this. 16 years of abuse would have made you forget what kind of person you really are and what you need from life. I'd advise you to not rush into any kind of relationship at this stage, red flags or not.

HollowTalk · 23/05/2019 13:46

Massive red flags. And you're not in love with him. You might like him (not sure why) but you don't love him.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme. It's free and online and should be done by anyone leaving an abusive relationship.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/05/2019 13:47

Yes, walk away, you’re not being paranoid

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/05/2019 13:50

So it's not even 6 months since you escaped an abusive 16 year relationship!? You are not ready for this

This is bang on, please listen to this OP.

It's way too soon. A few months is early for anyone to say they're madly in love let alone someone freshly out of an abusive relationship.

You're already thinking about what you say before you say it, based on what his reaction would be. This is textbook for those of us who have been abused. You probably did it before because you didn't want to make your ex angry, it's just this time you don't want to make your boyfriend sad. You're basing your actions on their potential reactions.

It's learned behaviour you need to overcome so it isn't your default mode. He sounds exhausting and I'm a firm believer that you need to be happy in your own skin without a partner before you start dating.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/05/2019 13:53

At this early stage (at any stage) you should never feel uncomfortable or wonder if something is the "right" or "wrong" thing to say. You shouldn't have to watch what you're saying or doing at all. Ever.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2019 16:19

I feel like i can already sense myself watching how i say things and thinking 'what would he think' before i do things and i feel like at this point i cant tell if its habit or him

Massive red flag. To be honest, it doesn't matter if its habit or him. If it's habit, you're not ready for this. And if it's him... well... you know the answer to that.

Well done be being aware and questioning it.

Fromablokespoint · 23/05/2019 17:08

If you are thinking about what to say because of a reaction then a massive red flag IMHO.
Relationships are formed on MUTUAL trust, if he is not capable or
if you think it will be an issue because of his behavior then time to go.

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