Hello.
I apologise for the length of the thread and it may be something you wish to read on the metro, if it’s a long trip! I thought it required to give an objective view and explain the state of my mental health at present. Whilst this may seem over dramatic, if I don’t get some clarity or some guidance from a neutral source, things may get worse for me to the point where I will become my own worst enemy.
First of all, I am engaged to my partner and we have 1 boy and girl in secondary school and all the trials and tribulations that go along with that, exams etc. I have been with my partner for 15 years and this is not an overstatement that she is the centre of my world, I adore the ground she walks on. Somewhere in my head there is an insecurity that tries to convince me she does not think the same. Not for any reason, I am insecure, I just don’t know why. I treat her well, don’t raise my voice to her, help around the house (though not to her high standard!) we get away for weekends when we can and when we enjoy ourselves. It is also important to note that I fancy her 1000%, she is the most attractive person that I know and in the bedroom department, things are never an issue, when we are away from the pressures of work and kids.
A while ago, I had some very serious issues with work, all of this I kept to myself as my partner worries and suffers from anxiety, so I kept it all in, dealt with it and moved on. I found a new job which was really good, I was challenged and enjoyed the work. I did not notice my partners misery until a night with some friends after a few drinks my partner accused me of taking her for granted, having an affair. I have never ever cheated on her, ever, nor would I, I love her so much. I tried to understand why she would say these things. There was a girl that I worked with regularly, but things were solely professional. I also had 2-3 nights away a month, but would enjoy a nice meal and few beers at the company’s expense and that would be it. Things went along for a week or two and she began to tell me that I had become too involved in work and was spending less time with her. She also said that “she didn’t care if I was having an affair”. (I WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!) This cut me like a knife and I realised something had to change. I could not get away from the nights away, some were too far away, but would drive back if they were feasible, I also stopped working late to get things done and began, better late than never I guess, to readjust my life. A few weeks later, she went on a hen-do and, after what was said, I feared the worst. I spoke to her a couple of times when she was away, but for 2 of the 4 days, no contact. She explained this as time for her to get away and not have to worry about kids, cats (one has been ill for while), school etc. And this made sense to me. She also said that I was away a lot (even though I always phoned) and she deserved some time away. I suppose she is right, but I have always phoned when I have been away for 2 days with work. We do not agree on the fact that the two are the same, work is work and I have to get on with these people and nothing has ever happened. Truth is, no-one measures up to her anyway. I don’t think it would be the same, passionately, with anyone different, such is the feeling I have for her. A recent night away, my partner and I were in bed, pretty much the whole night away, from check in to check out.
When she came back from the hen-do, she told me that there was a (married) bloke who was after her and made his feelings known, nothing happened and that she missed me. We were intimate for pretty much every night of the week she came back, then, as routine started back in, it (you know what) went back to maybe once a week. For someone of insecure tendencies like me, the increased passion over this week, convinced me she was feeling guilty. A week later I found out her sister (married) had exchanged phone numbers with one of the blokes mates. Again, this sent my insecure mind into overdrive. I do not know why I am so insecure, maybe because I think she could do better than me, she is gorgeous and I worship the ground she walks on. I occasionally get attention when I am (rarely) out with mates and I know I am not an ugly bloke, but no-one measures up to my partner. She was honest with me and showed me the pictures of the hen-do and that reassured me (from what I saw anyway), but she doesn’t understand that the reason I am insecure is because I think that blokes see her the way I do. We recently went away and we walked into a bar and I held the door (as I always do) and as she walked in, I dropped my phone and followed a few paces behind. Every bloke in the room eyed her up.
Anyway, as time moved on, I knocked the extra hours working on the head, started to use the expenses policy wisely (having the family and her alone sometimes stay over when I am away for example). Things were okay and I found a new job which meant she could give up her work, which was getting her down. I thought that the giving up of her work would somehow revert to the week when she came back from the hen-do. She explains that “life gets in the way” and I suppose she is right. For me, I fancy her so much and the reasons of “being tired” “being anxious about the kids at school” “anxious about money” or others, to me is a reason that she doesn’t fancy me anymore. The weird thing is, I have been through so much in my life and dealt with it, I don’t understand why I think like this. It is almost like a devil on my shoulder says “she is too good for you” “she could do much better” “she’s only with you for security” etc. Maybe I feel like this because without her and the kids, I don’t really have anyone else, my mum died a while ago and my dad is a absent part of all our lives, living away and takes no interest in us or anyone else apart from himself. My partner is close to her sister, who is a similar age. I get on with her and she says sometimes (after a vodka or two) that she thinks my partner does not appreciate me.
My partner recently went out and she was texting all week, late into the evening to her sister and friends. Nothing wrong with that I hear you say. I have no secrets from my partner and she regularly uses my phone too look stuff up. There is nothing on my phone that is a secret. Anyway, when she was in the bath, waiting to go out, the insecure part of me suggested I take a look. All the chat to her sister had been deleted. I found this odd. All the texts from the previous week to her sister, just gone. Why would someone delete the entire chat?
As things stand, things are okay, I just hate the fact that intimacy seems to have to be “booked in”, the last time it happened spontaneously was either when we are away, or when she came back from the hen-do. I love her so much and I really don’t know why I am insecure. When she goes out (which is not that often, its just that when she does, I get anxious) my heart races and the following morning, I will try my best and ask her how her night was, did she have fun, what was the pub like. Before I know what I have said it comes out “ did you get chatted up”. The truth is, she probably does all the time. The fact that I ask is so stupid, of course she does, she is gorgeous. The night of the deleted chat, I also went out locally. My friends had gotten some girls over to our table when I was at the bar buying and talking to a mate. One of them smiled at me as I sat down and I noticed she made no attempt to hide the fact that she looked to see if I had a wedding ring on (I don’t we, are engaged). Whenever a girl does talk to me, I even feel guilty by having a conversation with them, that this is in some way, me cheating. Again, no one measures up to my partner. This girl began to tell me over and over again where they were going that evening and that after we had gone to the bar my mate was hell bent on going to, we should meet up. Anyway, we didn’t, but the deleted chat played on my mind all night.
My partner does get bad PMS and says things she doesn’t mean and this, I should probably accept, but I am insecure and think (probably) too much. I had thought about going to see the Doctor about anxiety, which my partner had been on Citalopram before, but has now come off of it. But people tell me how mentally strong they think I am after what has happened to me with work, family feuds, absent family etc. But when my partner goes out, my heart thumps through my chest, I check to where she is on god knows how many apps. I cant sleep till she gets in.
So from a objective perspective, the only evidence I have of anything that is untoward going on is the fact that she was like a nymphomaniac after the hen-do and deleted chats. Its hardly a smoking gun is it?
I am going mad probably, but any help you can give would be good. The most obvious one, I have spoken to her about this, she loves me and doesn’t know either why I am insecure “I am with you, would never cheat on you” or “I’ve never done anything to make you insecure” and others. She is probably right. But I don’t know, with this in mind, why I think these dark thoughts. I had counselling after my mum died and this didn’t help one bit, so I guess this route would not work. As I write this, it has somewhat helped in writing it, how absurb what I am saying is, as I sit on the Manchester metro, but some advice as to why I seem hell bent on destroying what I have. I hate to think that the only way we can be passionate is when we go away, that is not a cheap affair to do once a month. Can anyone help me and try and help me understand why I seem hell bent on believing the worst? Is this an issue with my mum dying perhaps? My partner means the absolute world to me. I did try and explain to her once that her and the kids are all I have in the world. She did not like this and thought that it meant that I was only with her as I didn’t have anyone else, this was not the case at all and I probably didn’t explain it right. Maybe because she is my world and I am frightened of losing her and I accept, I am being a tool the way I am going about things as well.
Anyway that’s it, if the messages received say “you are a twat, accept what you have and move on” then I guess that will set my mind at ease. I need reassuring for some reason, even from her. Is this an underlying psychological issue do you think?