Do I start detaching?

[peanutcrunch]

NC for this.
So I have a 'friend' I thought although now i wonder if I'm being used.
Since I met her, school mum 8ish years ago she hasn't been happy in her marriage.
She has always complained about her husband and from what I can tell they are completely different people. I don't know him much we've always met alone.
Recently he has become abusive, controlling with money, her phone restricting her getting to work. Being abusive mentally, calling her names.
I've listened and tried to help, looked after her kids and I seem to be the 'go to' for her to offload to. The other weekend the abuse escalated, I don't think he's become violent as in hitting her but he's destroyed belongings and her kids have witnessed this. She's sent photos to me.
Naturally I stop what I'm doing and spend a good few hours 'councelling' her.
Problem came when I saw her recently that she seems absolutely fine and almost minimising it. It gets me really frustrated as I feel like I'm wasting time and almost being used? She then tries to belittle me?! what is this about? I'm beginning to not like her as a person now. I appreciate it's hard. Should I detach?
I do wonder if there could be an element of jealousy as I removed myself from an unhappy marriage years ago. She forgets to ask about my life and if I mention something positive it's ignored. would appreciate opinions and a way forward.

This is fairly “normal” behaviour when someone is being abused - minimising then deflecting onto you by belittling and therefore further minimising. It can take years for someone to get the strength to leave and it is very difficult for those who haven’t faced abuse to recognise and accept this behaviour in the abused person. Maybe some reading round the topic might help you help her/ understand ..... not meaning that it a cruel way OP.

My opinion is that she likes having you as a willing and convenient audience when she wants to talk about her problems. The way forward is to make yourself much less available to her.

KOKO I have been in an abusive relationship myself and left so I do understand. I don't understand how she is behaving towards me though?

Apologies OP ... the internet on my train is patchy and your full thread did not show so I did not read the last bit about you leaving an unhappy marriage - abuse or not - I hope I have not offended you

X post. I saw this with a friend .... she would tell me all the terrible things her partner did then a few dats later, she would suggest I needed counselling over some random thing. I think it was a way of minismising and feeling like she wasn’t the only one having a shit time.

not at all KOKO you haven't. I guess i need to look after myself and feel like I've done everything I can now. Sent links to her about domestic violence etc and given her my solicitors number. Perhaps the rest is now up to her. Although I'm not sure why she is treating me as she is. Yes perhaps I'm convenient

@peanut crunch

Yes, there probably is an amount of envy there. She is in an awful situation that you have removed yourself from, and well done because it's not easy. She is an adult and it sounds like you have tried to help her but only she can leave. If it is affecting your mental health then you do need to pull back. I do worry about the part about the kids being involved. I know she is your friend but maybe this should be reported?

Forward the pictures on to children's services and take a big step back

Thanks. Yes it's a long time ago for me now but I do remember. I've been single for a long time now and built a new life for me and ds. I'm not sure I can trust again, it would take a lot of patience from someone.
I think it's mainly mind games that the kids wouldn't necessarily see. Otherwise throwing things down stairs, drinks over her etc. I don't doubt she protects the kids, I just hope she will go

She doesn't want to leave she just wants someone to complain too when they're having a "rough patch"

I would take a massive step back.