Do You Ever Get Over Crap Parents if You Managed it What Did You Do?

[ZaraW]

My relationship with my parents had always been bad they are unloving, zero empathy and always tried to make me feel crap about myself.

I tried to talk to my mum about it five years ago but she wasn't having any of it and told me I didn't care about HER.... I've been living overseas for the last twenty years and have recently found out I have a rare gene mutation which means I have a high chance of getting several cancers over my life. I've already had breast cancer ten years ago at the age of 38.

I told her about the gene mutation and her exact words were "what about me THIRTY" years ago. Now everytime I speak to her on the phone I get angry. My dad has Alzheimers and is oblivious to everything and unfortunately he's getting worse.

I'm going to counselling next month but any tips would be great. I'm back home in July and dreading it.

I'm feeling a bit fragile I had a double mastectomy did weeks ago, having oophorectomy towards the end of the year.

Thanks for reading.

I’d suggest going NC for your own mental health. People go NC for a lot less. I’ve found just trying to live as happy a life as possible makes me resent the past less (although your situation sound worse than mine) sorry if that’s blib advice.

You don't really 'get over' it. You move on from it. Hard while they're still pulling your strings, though.

Hithere12 I'm low contact I see them for a maximum of ten days a year. Not sure I can go to contact. I'm hoping counselling gives me the skills to deal with them. I wish I had the strength to cut them off completely but I can't. Thanks for the advice.

RubberTree how did you manage to do it?

Counselling is really good! You might need to try a couple of counsellors before you find the right one (or you might be lucky straight away - just don't be put off altogether if the first one isn't helpful).

Living abroad is also great :)
When you visit, use a hotel/airbnb, and do other stuff apart from visiting them, so you just spend a few afternoons or whatever actually together and can leave if it gets tricky.

Have a look at this, OP:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3588850-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Dealing with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) amongst your many damaging legacies your parents left you would be a good start. You seem mired in this still and getting out of the FOG is part of the recovery from such abuses. You may also want to read and or post of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

What sort of counselling are you going to have and does the counsellor have any familial bias about keeping families together?.

What does contact with your mother give you anyway?. Are you going back home to see your parents in July?. Your mental and physical health takes precedent here over them. You are under no obligation to see them and it is clear from her response that she could not care less about you and your life now. Realise too that you will not ever receive their parental approval, not that you needed this in any event.

It is not your fault that your parents are abusive and you did not make them that way. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

July does seem quite soon if you've just had major surgery, especially as a mastectomy is so emotional. Your mental and physical health are going to be delicate for a while, aren't they?

I also live abroad and visit for 4 or 5 days a year, plus 4 phone calls.

ravenmum I hope it works it's a big step for me to admit I need help. Recovery was fine for surgery as I chose not to get reconstruction. After ten years of false alarms, MRIs and biopsies I'm just relieved to have the stress gone.

Living abroad is amazing I highly recommend it 😂. Yes, hotels are worth considering I hadn't really considered that option.

horizontilting thanks will check it out.

Attila that's exactly it I can't move past it and it makes me resentful towards them. I can't afford to be stressed with my health issues. Will definitely read into FOG and look at the stately homes thread.

I get nothing from my mother. To be honest I just want the visit out the way with. The counsellor I've chosen offers around six different approaches. Not sure which one she will use. I will ask her.