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Relationships

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Original poster

Met someone, having fun but he is still active on the online dating website we met.... common?

20 replies

Redfox · 22/05/2019 13:21

Hello, so meet a man online and we have been seeing each other since beginning of April so NOT that long. However the last 5 weekends, we have spent a lot of time with each each other, friday/Sat etc. We were having a chat on Sunday, and few things he said alerted my senses.

So despite myself, and surprising myself, I made a false profile on the dating website we met on, and yep I found him and see he has been active and he looked the false profile I made. Maybe he is just looking and getting his money's worth as he had not long paid his subscription when we meet.
Stupidly a chat about exclusivity has not happened. I sort of assumed things...….. I know I am sounding naive… also the sex is very good and I have been in a sex desert, so have been enjoying it. We seemed to click blah blah. Or maybe, we did not click as much as I thought.

Is this common for men to continue to looking when they are have met someone and having good sex? Obviously the answer is yes..maybe the sex is not that good for him.
Yes a chat needs to happen I know.... Anyone got any tips on what to say? Are men on dating sites just shopping around for the next best thing? Even though it is in front of them?

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 22/05/2019 13:34

Hold back the sex and see what happens

Bet you he legs it

LetsPlayDarts · 22/05/2019 13:41

I'd ask him if he's still using the app. If he says no then I'd write him off.

When I was OLD I stayed on for perhaps a few weeks. I had no intention of meeting anyone but would just flick through.

Ask him, see where the conversation takes you and go from there.

LetsPlayDarts · 22/05/2019 13:43

What was it he said that made you question that he was still online?

Oh, and it goes without saying to make sure you're having safe sex.

Original poster

Redfox · 22/05/2019 14:10

We were having a bit of chat about past relationships etc.. his history is not great I can not quite remember but I sort of I asked him if he had been on the website and then said that I did not want to know. He said that he would not tell me anyway.... at least he is honest.

I mentioned to him maybe during our third meeting I was off the website as my subscription had run out but mainly because I was sick at looking at the same rouges gallery and needed a break.

I have not fallen for him yet but easily could... the sex is good and all that oxytocin released is making me bond with him and want more sex.

Why is he so cuddly then? I think I find that confusing.. .. shit does he see me as his f* buddy?

OP posts:

sar302 · 22/05/2019 14:17

After only 5 weeks or so, and not having had the "exclusive" agreement, it might be reasonable to assume he's still seeing other people.

The world of online dating is often quite casual. I was rubbish at casual dating, and had my feelings hurt a few times, so I get where you're coming from. But I think by the definition, until you're exclusive, he can continue to date other people and use the app. Obviously on the other hand, you don't have to be ok with that, and are free to tell him so, or ask for a commitment.

sar302 · 22/05/2019 14:17

After only 5 weeks or so, and not having had the "exclusive" agreement, it might be reasonable to assume he's still seeing other people.

Fromablokespoint · 22/05/2019 15:11

You just need to have the "exclusive conversation".

Fromablokespoint · 22/05/2019 15:12

At least you will know either way then.

LetsPlayDarts · 22/05/2019 15:18

I think just the very fact that he said he wouldn't tell you anyway would be a red flag for me. It sounds like he wants the sex, a cuddle after and that's it.

Fwb, dating or a relationship...for me I need honestly and openness.

Original poster

Redfox · 22/05/2019 15:45

Yeah he certainly likes the sex. God we are not spring chickens - what is he looking for? .. I am 50, attractive etc (even though I say so myself) he is 52 and no oil painting- often mentions it himself...

But he has a very professional job and yes I suppose I have been impressed with that. I did not fancy him at first as he can come across as fairly detached and not very good at small take.... but once we hit the sack, well I fancy now. He is v. attentive and course he would be to someone who is sleeping with him!

Need to have a chat somehow... what do I say?

OP posts:

Flibbitygibbit · 22/05/2019 15:56

I saw a bloke for 5 months and he was still on match .com. He took his profile off but a year on found him on two others 🤷‍♀️ Anyhow kicked him into touch after that ! After 5 weekends you don’t really know him but .... you do need to see if you’re on the same page 🤔

Sculpin · 22/05/2019 16:04

OP, we can’t tell you what he’s looking for....

I think it’s reasonable for him to still be on dating sites after only a few weeks, but it’s also reasonable for you to want to become exclusive now you’re getting to the 2 month stage. You’re in the ‘borderline’ area IMO. Just ask him if that’s what he wants too.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/05/2019 16:06

You just need to have the "exclusive conversation".

This^^^

Icandothisallday · 22/05/2019 16:09

I dont think its wrong for him still to be on them. He iant misleading you. You told him you werent. For other reasons. Its not like you said it was because you were only wanting to date him.

I think you need to stop and think about this. If a man I dated for a few weeks, was not exclusive with set up a fake profile to see if I was still on dating sites, I would finish it.

It's not wrong to want to be exclusive. But you are going to a lot of trouble and giving up a lot of Brain space, when you could just have a converstation.

Original poster

Redfox · 22/05/2019 16:25

Thank you for the comments and I agree esp with Icandothisallday. Giving it too much head space...

I will bring it up in a 'casual but laying the land' type way but want to do it face to face when we see each over the weekend. We had a chatty phone call last night and I did not want to do then.

But I suppose my instincts around him are heightened.... he was fairly frank about his history.. I think I would last as 'a friend with benefits' for about 5 minutes.

OP posts:

Severnlurveheart · 22/05/2019 16:35

I met someone on POF early Feb. I had my just signed up and he was the only person I met up with. We got it off straight away and I think I told him after afew weeks that I decided to hide my profile on there so he did the same. He might still have one on Tinder, I trust him and we are really into each other. If I found out he was still active on his profiles I wouldn't be happy. I don't think he has the time tbh, and he said he no one used to send him messages.

wishywashy6 · 22/05/2019 16:50

Definitely need to have the exclusive chat if that's where you want things to go. Everyone has different ideas about what's ok/ normal with online dating so it needs to be discussed. I always read on here people saying they're worried they won't like the answer but surely it's better to know and get it out in the open so you know where you stand and can make a decision based on what he responds with about what happens next, rather than burying your head in the sand and finding out months later that he's still swiping.
I'd say around the 6 week mark is a good time to have the talk (that's when I did it 😬)
We sat and deleted our profiles together after we'd talked about what we wanted/ where we saw things going.
Before that, while we were only seeing each other, we were both still on the apps

ItsJustMyOpinion789 · 22/05/2019 18:49

I went through exactly the same thing with somebody I met online. A few weeks into meeting we both made a point of saying we were deleting our profiles on the site.
A few months later, call it womens intuition I just had the feeling he was still on there so I made a fake profile and he popped up almost straight away, under a new name so it wasn't even like he could say he hadn't gotten around to deleting the profile he had before.
We hadn't had the discussion of being 'exclusive' so I decided to get past it, our sex life was amazing and for a while that seemed more important than worrying about whether it was heading for an actual relationship.
In the end things fizzled out because he didn't want to be in a relationship and I couldn't go on with the friends with benefits thing forever. For all I know he continued on the site and maybe met up with others while seeing me. He never wanted an exclusive relationship but I thought he might eventually change his mind. Its best to lay your cards on the table and ask him what he wants, because if he's after a proper relationship then still being on dating sites isn't right, it isn't naive to assume when you meet someone that it might head somewhere, unless stated otherwise that's what anyone would assume when they meet someone they like.

AMBE123 · 22/05/2019 21:17

OP, I've done a lot of OLD. Are you looking for something that will lead to a relationship? If so, in my opinion you should have the talk and if he lies about being on the site, or isn't willing to be exclusive, or doesn't want to discuss it, then move on. Also you have said you weren't that keen to start with - he is detached, has a bad history and the main thing that impressed you was his job. The rest as you say has been oxytocin, it doesn't sound like this connection is really a keeper anyway. If you can handle FWB carry on, but don't forget that time and energy you spend with him will stop you from looking for someone who can offer more.

Whatdidthecardsay · 22/05/2019 22:28

does he see me as his f buddy?*

Honestly? Yes, probably. But he won’t tell you this. You’re on very much different pages and he doesn’t sound like relationship material.

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