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Relationships

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Original poster

Don’t want dp’s Dad’s partner at wedding

24 replies

Louise223 · 22/05/2019 10:37

I originally wanted a big white wedding local to us, whereas he wanted to elope/ it be just the two of us. We have compromised and are now going to marry abroad with our immediate and close relatives (parents, grandparents and siblings).

DPs dad has been in a relationship with a woman for four years. They don’t live together. None of the family like her because she is emotionally abusive towards his dad. They have split up around 3-4 times that we are aware of during the relationship because she has ended it as a way to manipulate him to get what she wants. She has isolated him from family and friends and stalks him (turns up when he is with his male friends). She has also been abusive towards a stray cat and there may be issues of financial abuse. However his dad is in his 60s and has full capacity.

Myself and DP loathe this woman, and it is so sad how his father has changed. We really don’t want her at the wedding because of her behaviour towards the father but I am wondering if we are being unreasonable? The father won’t be contributing financially to our wedding. However his mum has remarried to a wonderful man and her husband will be there. My brother and DPs sister will also be bringing their unmarried partners. I also just really don’t want her in any photos as I don’t even know if they will last given their turbulent history, however it’s been four years so maybe they will....

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 22/05/2019 10:44

So don't give her an invitation!

Give your dad his invitation in person and explain that you aren't inviting the dragon. Hopefully he will still come and enjoy himself. If he doesn't then you have to accept that he is an adult and can make his own mistakes.

You don't need to mention any other guests and whose other partners are coming. Your dad will know that you don't like her. You don't have to have her there when it will spoil it for you. It doesn't matter if you piss her off does it?!

Original poster

Louise223 · 22/05/2019 10:50

You are completely right, I think my partner is just worried about damaging his relationship with his dad. After the last split, which lasted a month or so, family members said to him that it was for the best and he then realised no one liked her, so yes he is aware.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2019 11:02

How will your DP feel if his dad says he won’t come without her? It sounds like a very real possibility as she’ll blame him and make him suffer. Not your fault at all but it’s clearly not a healthy relationship and he’ll be the only one invited alone. You might risk isolating him further.

pusspuss9 · 22/05/2019 11:17

As they don't live together it might be easier to get away with it than if they were to live together.
However if your OH does not want to risk alienating his dad, then you might have to just suck it up.
In future years when looking at your wedding photos you could just point her out and say with a laugh something like 'Dad was with this dragon who we all disliked'.

Original poster

Louise223 · 22/05/2019 11:22

Yes it’s really tricky. I think it would be easier if it was a big wedding and she would blend into the background. But just having a small number of our very closest family and then her...

OP posts:

ZestyMaximus · 22/05/2019 12:53

You had me at 'abusive to a stray cat'.

Do not invite.

KylieKoKo · 22/05/2019 13:02

I think you have to be a bit careful here. If she's abusive then you risk isolating him with her. If you make him feel like everyone is against them you could push them closer together.

Summerorjustmaybe · 22/05/2019 13:04

My mil wrongly assumed she was invited to our wedding. Dh visited her and told her straight.
Fil came alone.
No need for drama.

Goldmandra · 22/05/2019 15:58

She sounds like a coercive controller who wants to isolate him from you. If you don't invite her, he may well have to demonstrate to her that she is his priority by not attending.

It's also likely that your DP will be further isolate from his father because the lack of invitation will make him the bad guy.

Please think very carefully before putting pressure on your DP to do something that may permanently destroy his relationship with his father. That is a lot more important than your photos.

Everythingsbeentaken · 22/05/2019 16:40

Your DP could speak to his dad and say that he really wants him there, he'd rather she didn't come but if he wants her there then he'll invite her too. I guess be the bigger person, even though it's hard sometimes. His relationship with his dad is important. It's really between them though, not a good idea to try and create a rift and you can always ask the photographer to try not to get her in any photos.

Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 17:24

If your DP doesn't want her there then I think his feelings take precedence (along with yours) over his dad's feelings and his dad should respect that and understand why she's not invited. He's an adult with capacity and surely wouldn't want his son's big day (and yours) to be spoilt. If he says he won't come without her then he is making a choice and you'd both have to respect his choice and accept he won't be there. If that affects the father-son relationship then that's his doing. If she absolutely must be there then you can both insist she is not in the photos. It's shit and I hope you get it sorted.
I was thinking about my extortionate photo album only yesterday and wish I could erase all but 6 people!

Aussiebean · 22/05/2019 17:32

They dont live together, so etiquette wise there is no obligation to invite her.

Halo84 · 22/05/2019 17:34

I think I would leave it to the father. Invite him alone, and if he pushes it, I think your fiancé should make the final decision.

Don’t tell the father who else is invited, just that it’s a very intimate wedding.

Singlenotsingle · 22/05/2019 17:38

Just don't invite her. You don't like her, your fiance doesn't like her. She's not married to dp's dad and she doesn't live with him. Maybe, just maybe, you might know a nice single lady who you could invite?

BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2019 20:15

Fuck that.. don't invite her, if DP's Dad kicks off, then he doesn't come either.. easy

wonderwhat · 22/05/2019 21:52

She’s just a girlfriend. One who he is rocky with, on that basis don’t invite.

Hidingtonothing · 23/05/2019 01:17

I actually think the fact that it's an intimate wedding gives you a pretty good get-out. I would preface his invitation with 'we hope you'll understand why the invite is just for you, we only have room for/can only afford/only want the people closest to us so we've kept the list really short'. Any protests can be fairly easily shut down with 'we just want to keep things simple' type comments which don't really leave him much to argue with.

I do think you need to be very sure that DP is prepared to risk him not coming though, not having his DF there might ruin his day far more than having the GF there will ruin yours so it needs to be his decision.

TooManyPuppies · 23/05/2019 04:31

I would not invite her, however be prepared for him not to come too... Possibly not be "allowed" to come.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 23/05/2019 07:33

I don't think you should be making this decision. It's one for your partner to decide - it's his relationship with his father that's at stake.

Original poster

Louise223 · 23/05/2019 09:20

@slightlymisplacedsingledad I’m sorry if my post wasn’t clear but this is very much a “WE don’t want her there”. My partner probably feels more strongly than I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Louise223 · 23/05/2019 09:22

However his dad attending is of the upmost importance so I think we will probably have to invite her.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 23/05/2019 10:26

No, don't invite her. See what happens - she might not want to come. Or FIL might understand your pov and come on his own.

Cheeseandwin5 · 23/05/2019 11:46

I have to agree with others that it is your DP decision as there is no doubt that this will effect their relationship. I would also not hide the fact that other partners will be invited. This will be something that he will notice as soon as he walks in and she will know soon after. I would suggest that you tell your DP to speak to your FIL and tell him all your reservations an worries. But if he chooses to bring her than he can. Otherwise you are putting the FIL in an impossible situation and pretty much alienating him from the family.

RestingBitchFaced · 24/05/2019 18:18

Definitely don't invite her, she sounds awful

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