Another is my boyfriend tight with money or just thoughtless thread

[Newstart2019]

Hi

My boyfriend is really sweet and lovely and can be very generous on occasions but I'm starting to feel quite resentful as I think he is taking advantage of me.

We have been together for almost 4 years, we don't live together as he says he loves having his own place and his independence. We both have been married before, we both have 2 kids and we are: him (early 40s) me (late 40s) so I'm a bit older is that is significant.

We usually see each other at the weekends and as many night through the week as work (his) allows usually at my place as this is more handy for both our workplaces, he lives in a very rural area and there is nothing for miles and I don't drive! Thing is it's usually assumed by him I'll provide all the meals when he is at mine and he never thinks to contribute unless I specifically ask him to which i find very embarrassing.

He makes no secret of the fact that when he comes to my place for a few night in a row he turns off all his heating to "save money" and i can't help feeling I'm finding his "independence" - he doesn't contribute to any of my household bills and I wouldn't ask.

The final straw was this week when he has been off work and he has no food in the house, I asked him if he was thinking of doing any shopping and he said he has enough to see him through until he comes to my place so he doesn't need anything!

I should add the few times we have stayed at his place I have found his cupboards are bare with not even milk to offer me a cup of coffee and we have to go buy things but I do make sure he pays!!

We have discussed this a few times and I've told him I can't fund him and he says he always offers to contribute but that I say no, but I can't say I ever remember this!

How do I put my foot down?
I'm not very good at sticking up for myself and hate confrontation, so I suppose I've contribute to the problem by not doing so.

His family are just the same; I find them very "grabby" and tight-fisted and I honestly think that him witnessing this growing up he just thinks this is acceptable behaviour!

Ask him to bring dinner and wine over when he visits for weekends. Just a lighthearted “Your turn to shop and cook” and don’t back down.
If he refuses, then a serious conversation about him making a regular contribution e.g. £100 per month.

Ask him to pick up dinner on the way or make sure you start going to his more often
Suggest a takeaway instead as well

If these hints don't work then you need a proper chat. His comments sound like he's realised he's saving money and is quite happy about it though.

He is a user and thus should not at all be your boyfriend. I would also think your kids wonder what on earth you are doing with this man in the first place as well.

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?. what is your payoff here that he is at all worth it. I can see the attractions for him most certainly (a nice and compliant person to look after and otherwise run around after him, this lazy tight fisted sod, to give him an easy life) but you?. What is in this for you?. You sound like you have taken over where his mother left off, he just wants a woman to look after him and you will do for now. This whole arrangement suits him because he is tight and he will not want this to change. This is who he is and you wont ever change inbuilt patterns here.

He is taking absolute advantage of your kindness and he is not worthy of you at all. He is very much indeed like his own grabby and tight fisted family. He is also not above gaslighting you either in making you doubt what you said to him about contributing.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
I presume that not being able to stick up for yourself and avoiding confrontation as well are legacies from your own childhood. I sincerely hope I am wrong here but that is sometimes the case.

Think you need to revise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward. Giving this opportunist the boot would be a good start in that direction.

You are already funding his lifestyle.

I was wondering if you have written about him before now. Apologies if you have not but I seem to have read very similar before now.

And he is using you by staying in your home during the week to travel to his workplace!.

He has you down for a right mug OP. Please give him the boot from your life.

he says he always offers to contribute but that I say no
You need to tell him that this is not true.
And from now on you want him to contribute as you cannot keep funding him saving money.
Suggest an amount per week and see what happens from there.

What sort of a relationship does this man also have with his own children?. What do you know about him in relation to his ex here?

I think if he's funding a car and paying for all that plus petrol to yours then you feeding him is only fair

How did you meet if he lives far away and you don't drive?

People forget how much petrol costs!

Does he ever bring you anything when he visits?
Do you go out together? Who pays?

It sounds like he’s trying to get you to fund everything.

So you have brought the subject up before? So that's good, you can do it again.

When he is next due, as others have said, text him to ask him to go shopping and bring over food for two days or whatever. Shame you have to ask him though!

Can you just say in person one day, that you always spend time at your house and you just don't think it is fair that that means that you always are paying for the food for days at a time. Be open!

Does he pay when you go out or anything??? You said in your first line that he is generous on occasion - when is that?

To answer a few questions:

@AttillaTheMeerkat - my kids don't live at home both are at University in different cities so they only see him occasionally. My family was quite dysfunctional growing up; my mother and father hated each other and my mother had terrible mood swings and temper outbursts. I suppose i learned to be "good" to keep everyone happy.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow! - his work is in the same town where I live where as he lives about 35 miles away, so no it's not equal - he SAVES petrol by staying with me. Anytime we have gone long distances I've paid ALL the petrol.

@ ILiveIn Salems Lot - he doesn't bring anything to stay with me.
When we go out we do take it in turns but who can afford to go out all the time so usually we stay in although that doesn't save me money I suppose thinking about it! He does buy me flowers now and then though to say thank you for looking after him.

Work out how much you spend on food a month and how many meals he stays for and tell him that this is what he needs to contribute. Tell him that he may be saving on his bills but yours increase when he stays over so he has to contribute. Maybe the petrol money to get to yours is in lieu of gas and electric but the food bill he has to contribute into. Jeez! Even when I stay with a friend for a few days I always make sure that I bring gifts or do a shop or treat them to a meal!

Does he use all your toiletries coz that would piss me off too!!??
Maybe make a rota of who cooks. He can bring the ingredients on his nights!

Do his 2 DC ever stay overnight with him? How often? It would be unusual to have no food in the house if you have DCs staying regularly.

If someone is telling you they need their own space and independence after four years, then they're not really in to you OP. He sounds like a user.

Cross posted. Definitely tell him he needs to contribute what you think is a fair amount. If your kids don't live at home it should be fairly easy to calculate.

My family was quite dysfunctional growing up; my mother and father hated each other and my mother had terrible mood swings and temper outbursts. I suppose i learned to be "good" to keep everyone happy.

That explains a lot actually. I am so sorry though not completely surprised to read that. No wonder you cannot stand up for yourself and detest confrontation. This bloke you are with knows that too and takes advantage. You learnt some really bad lessons about relationships here and you are with this man now because of those. You should not sacrifice your own happiness further here at the expense of this man now. You do not value yourself at all and he knows it. This is also why he was able to inveigle his way into your life and put his feet under your table.

He buys you flowers occasionally to buy you off, he really does think that little of you and you are to him a compliant mug. He is an adult who should be looking after his own self and doing some adulting, he really did hit paydirt when he met/targeted you. You know this is wrong from him too otherwise you would have perhaps not posted.

What is he like with his kids, I presume he behaves similarly with them too.

His kids don't stay with him he sees them every other weekend and he does buy food for when they come.

I'm taking in all your comments and I think i just need to toughen up and have a chat with him. I just wanted to hear from other people I wasn't being unresaonable.

I do not think talking to him will get you very far because he does not want this cushy situation he has found with you to change. He is also adept at giving you spaghetti head and doubting your own judgment. Spending money to him is indeed anathema because he is tight fisted.

Toughening yourself up re him is going to be difficult too given your own dysfunctional family background. This is how you were taught to behave so perhaps some therapy for your own self now would be worth considering. Its going to take time and a lot of hard work on your part to undo what you were taught.

Re him you can only change how you react to him, you cannot change his overall attitude. He is a millstone around your neck and is happily sponging off you to fund his lifestyle.

He's the unreasonable one! stop funding him to your own detriment.

"His kids don't stay with him he sees them every other weekend and he does buy food for when they come".

I should think so too; they cannot live on fresh air. So an EOW dad; he probably thinks he is a great father to his kids (he is not) as well. He has not bought food in for you when you have occasionally stayed over. He has it made with you really; a ready made housekeeper/maid/landlady with the added bonus of having sex with you as well. I am sorry to be so crude but he really does think this little of you that he can also try and does buy you off with mere flowers.

I posted a thread very similar to yours recently, but I'd only been seeing the guy for a very short while.

How, and why on earth have you tolerated this for four years?!

He is taking the piss big time, but you're facilitating it by allowing it to continue to happen.

I think a straight, honest conversation is what's needed. He wouldn't stroll into a supermarket and walk out with food without paying, would he?
So why should he expect to get free lodgings, food and perks of a relationship without having to dip his hand into his pocket? Whilst he's saving his own money at the same time!

I'd bin him off personally, and look for a man who wasn't so much of a leech.

I have seen so many similar threads lately which prompted me to start my own.

I can see how I have got myself into this mess I was just too compliant at the start of our relationship and now it's just become expected of me - I should have learned a lesson by my age but apparently not.

Thanks to everyone who took time to read and reply to me.

@Newstart2019 don't beat yourself up. You are just too nice a person and he is the one in the wrong here.
Please take the advice given and get rid of this man. He is not a nice person at all to even consider behaving like this. Even if you did talk to him and he agreed to start contributing, what sort of a man does this in the first place?