Hello all, thanks for reading. My relationship is at breaking point and I really need some advice/perspective! Apologies for length..!
I've been in a relationship for almost five years, mostly not living together. For the last year or two the relationship has been steadily declining. We have had conversations around this - I have always been the one to instigate, and I don't feel we communicate well and therefore haven't often felt like we get to a resolution. He has a tendency to get defensive and turn it around to point out something I do wrong (then try to focus on that not my original point). I have developed a tendency to dismiss his 'counter-points' because I feel my original point - the reason the discussion is happening - isn't being listened to or appreciated, rather he's explaining how that's a side effect of me doing/not doing XYZ. On the counter side, he has made some changes that have been beneficial to the relationship.
However this is clearly my very one-sided view of the whole situation!
Recently he's said that I don't seem to care - this has been brought up before and I've been trying, though it's darn hard when the relationship is struggling so much - but this time he said he's felt that way through the whole relationship. This feels like a dismissal of the whole relationship, my way of showing affection, and a little bit me and who I am full stop.
We went away last month in a group and barely interacted. Afterwards I brought this up to discuss in a "shall we talk about the fact that we're both unhappy and what we could do" way. We discussed - it went similarly to as described above - I put my foot down and said our communication is terrible and we need to see a counsellor. He originally hated the idea, then said it was too expensive and we could figure stuff out, when he realised I'm not budging then he said fine, book it and he'll make sure he's available.
I'm not sure if it's worth all of this. I feel he's agreeing to go to placate me, rather than because he realises our communication is bad and wants to fix it. He has taken some responsibility (as have I) for the holiday not-talking but it took a LOT of pushing as he originally said it was all my fault because we went away with people I know and "he only came to make me happy" (I expressly told him not to do this, to come if he wanted to).
My brain and exhaustion and logical analysis (and most people I've discussed it with) are saying just quit, we're not married and don't have children etc etc. Nostalgia and a fear I'm over analysing is making me wonder if I should fight this out and if I'd regret breaking up with him.
Honest but gentle opinions please??