how to end when they wont leave/SAHP

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Have posted so many times about EA partner, and now seeing the effect its having on my DC (esp elder DC) I know I have to do something . I have tried, fuck me I have tried. Its been shit for nearly 12 years can you believe ?

I have tried, visited lawyer, EA counsellor etc. ending it is a challenge as fundamentally he doesn't work, isn't from here and gas lights me , and shouts me down very scarily . he doesn't want to lose his kids , but not does he want to work or get therapy for his anger

high level is verbally abusive, major anger issues, like petrol when he flares up (0 to 100, then stays angry for days/weeks). Doesn't work and has some substance abuse issues. not evil, but me and DC are permanently on eggshells

Now issues spiralled as elder DC is screen addicted, and the issues its causing at home is off the scale. elder DC refuses to not use screen, then DP screams and accuses me of ruining him. I think elder DC is depressed, and turns to screens as a refuge. and yes its an issue.

what's the formal legal recourse here, has anyone just got legal and ended it via lawyers. HOW THE FUCK DO I END IT

Ok well if he doesn’t work presumably you pay for your home. Whose name is the house in? Is it owned or rented?

Are you married?

Since he is abusive and this is clearly impacting your children I would suggest you contact Women’s Aid who will be able to properly advise as to how you can leave safely with your children.

My house and owned by me . Not married

I am just terrified of the hell he is unleash if I kick him out . It’s going to be off the fucking scale . I am so scared

Tell your local police that you are putting him out and you are worried about him turning violent. They will log the details. Call Women's Aid for advice. Pack his things and tell him he's leaving. At the first hint of any trouble, call the police. Good luck.

You have to arrange with the police for them to be there when you evict him. He's got no right to be there. I'm surprised you've put up with it for so long. The alternative is that you move out and apply to the Court for an Eviction order.

Speak to your local police and put a plan in place for kicking him out. They will help you arrange this plan and also protect you so he doesn’t/can’t kick off at you .

In terms of packing his things and telling him he's leaving, I'd say have someone with you when you do this - or at least discuss the process with Women's Aid or the police first so you have a plan and strategy, so you are not vulnerable to him hurting you when he realises he's lost control.

You know you cannot go on like this

Thank god you’re not married. Good advice already given on how to get rid of him.

You need to focus on how great life will be when he’s gone and do what you need to to make it happen.

How old are the kids? If over 12 and not particularly happy about keeping in touch with their dad, you are in a good position to change the locks and let him go.

If under, it is a delicate act of diplomacy to avoid him causing more (very significant) heartache to the children and misery to yourself (Nothing hurts more than seeing your children hurt by their own dad’s actions or lack off but in the longterm, may be better than staying)

School age
Both love their dad but are both getting increasingly anxious and upset

The problem is he is so agressive any conversation is impossible and ends with him accusing me of being a bad mother . And I start to believe him !!

Under 12 I mean

Speak to the police OP, they could be there when you tell him

If he does n’t work is n’t he the primary carer ? He could end up with full time custody

He would have to get a lawyer to acess that
And I can’t see that happening frankly he smokes joints all bloody day

I do and manage everything . He even shouted at me because he can’t vote next week
Didn’t even read the letter , and blamed
Me

And thanks for replies
Am in a fraught mood so apologies if terse

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this.
I suspect he will have 4 reactions.

1. Anger that his access to money for pot is cut off.
2. Insisting on dc contact as a way to punish/control you.
3. Re write history so that he is a victim.
4. Outrage that you have defied him and said, 'No more.'

The 1 and 4 you need police/help with.
2 you can grit your teeth and co-parent until he gets bored.
3 doesn't matter.

Much more experienced and wiser women will be along to advise you.
Best of luck x

You need police to attend to prevent a breach of the peace when you ask him to leave.

Ring the police and ask for their help planning this.

@Northernparent. The fact one works or not is irrelevant, the primary carer is the parent who has the kid for more nights a week, end of.

Okay... first thing first, this guy will continue to be in your life as he is the dad so do not call the police yet, it will be wasting their time besides... they only go out for physical violence.

You are in the position of power here: you own the house, you are not married (he therefore has no claim to it and can end things very quickly), he cannot provide accommodation for the kids and if you are mainly responsible for them, nobody is going to ask you to vacate the house for him and the kids. It would be enough to change the locks and let him know by text you are ending it, his stuff is out and that would be it... if you didn’t have kids.

The difficult part will be to make arrangements for the care of children. So I would say you need to be careful not to antagonise him too much too quickly as you don’t want him doing anything stupid like taking the kids out and not returning them. Find a solicitor, post in the legal board and very important, start keeping a factual record of abusive comments, if his comments are giving you anxiety or getting you depressed make sure you it goes into your GP record. Remember, he will be having unsupervised contact with them so better have a good record in place of the abuse so if he insists the kids would be better living with him, you can show the record to the Cafcass people so they can make a better assessment of his parenting abilities.

This is going to be difficult OP, but the longer that you leave it the more difficult it will be as he erodes your confidence and self esteem.

There will be lots and lots of people telling you should stay for the sake of the children, that things are not that bad, that he is a good parent and you are a bad mother. Don’t pay attention to that, you are the only one who knows how bad your marriage is, and frankly, the worst thing a parent can do for their children is staying in an abusive relationship, simply put, they will grow up thinking that that is what relationships are about therefore ending up in abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves. So get that courage out, the easiest thing is to stay put, but it is the worst option in the long term.

Women's Aid first, police DV unit second: between them they will help you get rid of this man. Court orders can be put in place to keep him away; if he's a drug user you can restrict his contact with the DC (insist on drug tests or supervised contact etc). With enough legal support, you will probably be able to get him right out of your lives as men like this tend to give up once they are thoroughly blocked - a lazy, penniless dope smoker will not have the resources or the commitment to keep pestering you for long.

they will grow up thinking that that is what relationships are about therefore ending up in abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves. So get that courage out, the easiest thing is to stay put, but it is the worst option in the long term

Thanks . I needed to read that , really