Is it even possible to forgive and forget?

[AnnabelKarmenIamNot]

ExDp left me when I was pregnant for OW. He came back during my pregnancy and then left for her again. It fizzled out. He then moved on to someone else. That fizzled out.

In the meantime I’ve been bringing up our DS single handedly whilst he’s been living the life of Riley and every now and again he pops up asking will I take him back. Each time I’ve said no. I’ve offered him access to our son but he will only be a father if we are a ‘family’ which of course is a ridiculous statement.

I changed my number, my social media accounts to get away from him because I was so hurt by his past actions but he manages to draw me back in time and time again.

He turned up to my house, unannounced and I had my son in my arms (he’s under 1). Ex broke down into tears and asked if he could hold him. I proceeded to break down in tears and let him in. He’s treated me so badly and yet I have allowed him to kiss me. I didn’t pull away I actually participated. It was as if nothing had ever happened between us. I’ve since come to my senses and realised that was a mistake and I’m angry he would even dare try.

I thought I wouldn’t hear from him for a while but he’s been in touch again and asked if he can see us and to think about whether I can envision a future where we can all be a family and I can forgive him. Being completely honest I’d love nothing more, I’ve been through a tough time and parenting (with little support) isn’t easy at the best of times and I’ve allowed myself to wonder, which of course is dangerous and ridiculous but still, do people actually change and could you forgive something of this magnitude and make a real go of things. My heart is breaking reliving him meeting his son for the first time.

He's showing you who he is.

He's manipulating you. Not wanting access unless he also has access to you? Please do not take him back. You're worth so much more than this.

No, he is ignoring your boundaries, he's a cheat and he is using your child to manipulate you. If he loved your child he would visit, not insist on only being a family. Say you take him back, your DS grows older with him in the house, loves his dad, dad cheats again and then leaves, he's made it clear he will not be a part time parent, so your DS will be abandoned this DF at an age that he may be badly hurt by it.

Oh love. You deserve so much more. So does your son. Great post by Plipplopbop

He’s broke

If he truly had changed he would be taking this very slowly, gently trying to win your trust back, respecting your boundaries, showing you what a committed dad he is, paying you CS and proving he has changed - then he would ask you to consider giving him a chance.

But he didn’t did he. He just put him self in your space, relied on your vulnerability because of your son and kissed you knowing how confused and upset you would be.

This man is going to break your heart again.

Protect yourself love.

Thanks for the comments. I know I’m worth more than his crumbs but I break every time I see him which is why I’ve been trying to go NC for so long.

@Plip - that is a major concern of mine actually, him leaving and never returning, how this would impact our son etc. A small (irrational) part of me says that once he’s fallen in love with him he will never be able to abandon him and the fact he still maintains contact with his other children from a previous marriage but I’m not a fool and know he has the capacity to just walk away feeling nothing.

I wish I didn’t love him, I just wish I could switch off my feelings but since having the baby I’ve wanted him more than ever. I suppose I had this idea we’d be one happy family and that we’d be stupidly happy. I know it’s a pipe dream but it’s hard to just switch it all off.

I'd always be worried he'd be off again with a other woman.

A man who would cheat at such a vulnerable time is not worth being with IMO.

He should love his child and want a father/son relationship with him regardless of being with you .

Trying to blackmail you into the relationship is very low and manipulative.

Are you in touch with his family? Siblings or parents? Do they know what he's done?

Protect your heart. This man has no loyalty to you. Just sort out child support and look after your son.

You need to love yourself and son more than you love him. You two are worthy of your love, he is not!

He is a weight dragging both of you down.

Wow, what a cunt. It's hard with your history with him, hormones and stress of single parenting, but what would you think if your best friend/sister/daughter was considering taking a man like this back?
He doesn't care about your son, if he did he would see him regardless of your relationship.

This will not have a happy ending, he cheated while you pregnant, left you, came back and left again, he didn't bother to see his child, no relationship like that in the history of the world has ever had a happy ending.

That happy family you're picturing is only possible with another man, you can have that happy family but not with this man, you need to understand that.

You need to love yourself and son more than you love him.

So true OP. Hope you’re doing okay today.

Eww I could not go near let alone anything else to a man who has told me he will only bother with his child if you was involved

He doesn't give a shit at all, he's more concerned about getting his leg over

My ex left me when I was pregnant for someone else and despite us getting on great years later and him still being with his girlfriend, I realised at the time that despite how much I loved him, if he could do something like that whilst I was pregnant, I could never look at his the same way.

Focus on the contact he has with DS, do not give him anymore time

What a prick he doesn't put his son first

I’ve offered him access to our son but he will only be a father if we are a ‘family’

So he is only willing to be a dad to his son if he is getting his leg over?

He cheated and left when you were pregnant, came back and left again. Cheating during pregnancy exposed you and your baby to the increased risk of STD, his actions could have been fatal to your child and you. That is who this man is, he has no concern for the health and emotional well being of you or your child. RUN girl, the sooner the better.

There are so many other women on here like you who get drawn back in again and again after blocking them and trying to move on.

Google intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding and see if they fit your experience. These strong feelings you have for him are more than likely down to an unfortunate bond your brain has created as a result of his behaviour. Realistically and logically you know that it won't work out.

Then do the work on yourself and seek help and support to get past him and be happy. Everyone on here will support you if you don't have any support in real life.

OP I’m so sorry this is horrible 💐

Think of how far you have already come looking after your child alone. I promise you with babies the older and more independent they get, the easier it gets.

I can understand why you want to try as I’m in a similar situation and all I want is for my family to be back together again.

But this is unhealthy and I think that people can change however it’s very rare that they do.

And even if he did change and you forgive him, but what about the trust? That will be broken and you’ll forever wonder where he is and who he’s with.

It’s hard raising a child with no help but it IS doable and you CAN do it x

Good grief.
He can't even be asked to see his own child.
That is despicable.
Using this to try to worm his way back in with you is just vile and manipulative.
Why you would even consider this after that, I've no idea!

In answer to your title.
Yes, many people do forgive cheaters. Many don't.
But I can guarantee you, no-one forgets!!!!
Once you have forgiven a cheater you give them the go ahead to do it again. Because you will forgive them - again!

Honestly, you and your DS deserve far better than this asshole.
You know that, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

How can you truly love someone who has treated you so appallingly?
He's also treated your son appallingly.
He doesn't want to see him. He doesn't want his own relationship with his own son. This is unforgivable.
Want more for yourself and for your DS.
This man will be no role model for him growing up.

I’ve woken up today and I just feel so shit. And yes, I ask myself every single day, how is it possible to love this man after what he’s done, maybe I mad. I can’t explain it. I miss him today, terribly. It doesn’t help being in contact but I just don’t have strength to cut contact all together.

I have agreed to meet up with him again, he has changed his tune and now wants access irrespective of whether we are together. Thinking this could be a ploy.

Thank you for your lovely comments, I know I’m being ridiculous and despite how I feel right now I’ll never ever put my child in jeopardy of being hurt.

Christ Almighty

This takes "but I luuuuurve him....." to a whole new level

What the hell happened to you that you are still willing to give this tosser headspace ?

By the way (in the words of the late, great Amy Winehouse) fucking yourself in the head with stupid men is putting your child in jeopardy

This may sound cruel, but when I see posts like this my first thought is .... where the hell is your mother???
Sorry OP perhaps you didn't have a good female role model but I truly believe that a woman well mothered makes a good mother. Be a good mother yourself.... he's a loser/ tosser/wanker!
You and your child deserve better x