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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I doing the right thing?

4 replies

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/05/2019 21:21

My DDs are 15 and 13 and spend roughly half their time at mine and half at their dad's. Their friend has a birthday party coming up, while they're going to be at their dad's, and he's said they can't go, because he has friends round who he doesn't see often and he wants them to be there.

I think he's prioritising his friends over theirs, which given my history with him is not a great surprise. ( I suspect he has NPD - so many things in our relationship pointed to narcissism. Whether he has or not, he's very selfish - what he wants is what happens, his priorities trump everything, or you know about it...)

I've reminded the girls that they are old enough to choose which house they stay at, and I am happy for them to go to the party from here that evening.

Now I'm feeling anxious. Obviously in an ideal world, we parents would back each other up or come to some agreement, but that has always meant me backing down. Was it worth the aggro? Was it the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/05/2019 21:37

I think it's the right thing to do. Only you really know if it's worth the aggro. But what can he do, legally? Or what are you expecting him to do, outside of that?

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/05/2019 21:52

I'm relieved you say you think it's right. Partly is just that I worry a lot that I'm not cut out for being an adult! He has responded to my message with such a scathing air, it always wrong foots me.

What could he do? Go on about it endlessly to the DDs, make them feel like they did a bad thing. Or morph back into Disney Dad so that they choose to spend more time with him at the expense of time with me.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 22/05/2019 06:56

You are trying to protect your kids. I see nothing wrong with what you have done. If he had his friends coming over who he hasn’t seen in a long time, will the kids even remember them?

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/05/2019 07:51

They see them every year or two. DDs would like to see their small children, but it'll mainly be ex having a good catch up and only noticing his family when the friends draw his attention to them. That's how it always was, anyway. I'd forgotten that.

I am doing the right thing, and he'll never see it. Same old same old.

OP posts:
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