How to stop gravitating to toxic people

[fuckedupfriendships]

NC for this.

Over the past few years I have cut contact with my toxic family (except my mum and brother) and with several friends.

I only realised they were toxic after doing some thinking about what is normal and what is not ok and mumsnet has helped s lot in that.

I'm pretty sure I know that my childhood was significant in teaching me that being treated badly was my fault and that I didn't deserve happiness or nice things.

My question is: how do I make better choices? I attract the mood hoovers and emotional wrecks and they suck me dry.

I've isolated myself from people to prevent this again but I do want some friends in my life.

I'm a single mum of 3 with no help and no time to go out in the evening as no one to look after the children so that restricts me.

I prefer being on my own but I do like company at times too.

How do I make better friends?

The absolute number one thing which helped me was to stop myself whenever I thought "oh, that poor person, I should invite them/talk to them/help them" because what inevitably ensued from that was another friendship or relationship where I was helping someone with their scary problems and often being abused with it. A large part of it is seeing that you have been trained by your family to be a fixer and forcing yourself to NOT do it. Actively making the choice to reject your 1st impulse, which is to FIX. It's hard, it's really hard. But worth it.

I think you're already moving in the right direction having cut ties with some of the toxic people in your life.

I tend to tolerate things for too long, but I'm also trying toget better at calling it a day as soon as I get those vibes. I hard a difficult childhood too and I know this is why my boundaries require work.

I started to pay more attention to how I felt after spending time with people - those that pepped me up I made more plans with and those that made me feel drained or self-conscious I stopped making plans with.

I know you've said you've no help, I take it there's a reason your childrens' father can't pitch in?

Can you afford some therapy? You’d benefit from the support. You e big changes to make and having an impartial ear will really help.

I think you’ve taken the first step by recognising the problem lies with you - you ask “how do I make better choices?” Rather than “why are they doing this to me?”

It’s an issue with boundaries. I’ve been through the same sort of thing myself. You need to re evaluate what is acceptable and not acceptable and learn to stick with that. I say learn, because you will make some bad choices for a bit as you’re undoing years and years of conditioning.

For me the turning point came when I said to myself “I would rather have no friends than friends like that”. It took a while but things improved from there. I do find myself susceptible though, I recently came across a very toxic person who has been trying their very best to use me as a receptacle of his doom. I felt drawn to him when I first met him, and I had to be very firm with myself to not be swept away. It was a professional relationship that he tried to turn into a very toxic friendship/relationship. I am so proud I managed not to get caught in it, but I learned from it that I will probably always have a vulnerability to people like that so I will have to be vigilant. Now, if I find myself drawn to someone, I really stand back and evaluate why that is.

The other thing you need to do is learn to accept the good people into your life, that you deserve them. .

FWIW, when I started addressing these things in therapy, change came very very quickly.

Yes! That's exactly it-a fixer. My parents problems were due to me, I needed to change for my family to like me, I needed to do xyz. It was always up to me to fix things.

I've not got any new people around to assess but am definitely wary of people and how I tend to be a rescuer and take in the waifs and strays. Because I'm a waif and stray too.

This board has helped a lot with my boundaries and I now have some. It still goes against the grain to say no though or to distance myself or break away completely.

I've read a great deal about abusive relationships and have looked at the freedom programme online and found myself having the Blackpool illuminations of lightbulb moments

My exH was abusive. My family were abusive. I'm currently dealing with an abusive ex FWB via the police as he's objecting to the fact I have cut myself off from him and is harassing me.

Cutting people out of my life makes me feel like a bitch. Not helped by the way these people tend to strongly object to you calling time on the friendship or relationship.

My mum is deeply hurt that I don't have contact with my siblings but she now respects my decision even if she can't understand it. She was codependent with my alcoholic dad and my childhood was not good at times because of it. She still can't see that things were hard for me growing up and I don't want to guilt her about it as my dad is dead and she's almost 80 now. It would only cause her hurt and we are very close. Her life hasn't been great and she's now in a shitty financial position because of the lifestyle they had. I feel sorry for her as she was totally dependent on my dad and her parents and didn't really have her own self in a way. It's made me rather feisty and determined to take no shit now that I've had all those lightbulbs.

Any new people that come in to my life will be assessed carefully. I'm sure I'm ASD with ADD as reading about those made my childhood and early adulthood make complete sense. The GP said there was no point in pursuing a diagnosis though as I'd coped into my 40s, had a profession with numerous qualifications at post grad level and was successfully (?) managing life as a single mum of 3.

I'm doing ok but want to stay ok and keep getting better at filtering out the shit from my life. I do look at other mums at school and wonder how they became such good friends and why I don't have that. I don't have close friends but have lots of people I happily chat to. Just no one to socialise with outside of school drop off and pick up times. To be honest I prefer books. I've never been let down or abused by a book!

A lot of what you've written above is familiar.

Most of the battle is figuring out the familial patterns and then your own behavioural patterns and friend/relationship attractions (e.g. being attracted to the familiar i.e where you can see a fixing role for yourself).

Now that you understand it, you can protect yourself from those dynamics and break the cycle.

OP I could have written the exact same post! Everything you have said applies to me too. I'm the fixer. I've had so many toxic relationships/friendships. I'm actually at the stage now where I pretty much have no friends because I realised I was running after them, trying to please them. It's lonely but being in a toxic friendship is emotionally draining so I prefer to be alone. And I also love books haha and a single mum so I get it.
I've also begun recognising when things turn toxic, takes me a while to realise but it's taking less time now than it used to so I guess that's positive. Hopefully now we have awareness we can make better friendships, hopefully

This sounds awful but I have found 3 strategies work for me.

1. Knowing someone does not make them a friend. Think very carefully about who you give that title to. Youre awesome so people need yo be as awesome as you are.
2. due to there being give and take in relationships I keep things quite transactional. So if I do x for someone I wont do themanother favour until theyve done one for me.
3. Its ok to assign peoole particular roles. I have one friend I can always call on for high culture - ballet theatre etc.

I also suspect i hsve asd.

When you put it that way, I have no true friends. But most of the time I'm happy that way. Just sometimes I feel I'm missing out until I remember all the crap that can go with friendships.
My closest friend has had an affair and keeps saying she's leaving her husband and then the next day is back together. I don't feel I can support her any more as I strongly disapprove of the affair and her lies about it. I've had a year of this back and forth and it's exhausting so I no longer respond to messages about it. I've said all I can and I refuse to be her therapist (she actually said I was better than therapy and free to boot!). I am distancing myself very slowly as I get nothing from the friendship but she's someone I see every day so I feel I can't just cut her off.

Where are all the good people?

There are many many toxic people out there.

Make a list of your boundaries and values thing you won't tolerate and stick to it.

Stay away from needy people with issues. They always have some sad story to make you feel sorry for them.

Keep people at arm's length and get to know them over time.
There's no reason to trust strangers. That trust is earned over time.

I'm 50, with a successful professional job and a successful marraige/life. I lost most of my 'friends' in my 40s because i realised they were toxic and sucking me dry.

Wonderful new FEMALE doctor is sending me for an adhd assessment and I cried with relief. Seemingly menopausal women are often diagnosed late in life cos the hormones make add and adhd worse. Ive always battled x 10 for what others seem to do without stress. I'm sick of making excuses for myself. I don't want another excuse, I want a reason. I want help - drugs even. Anything to help me rationalise my behaviour and help me modify and understand my behaviour. Don't let your doctor fob you off because you 'manage. They don't see the extreme effort we have to go through to 'manage'. It shouldn't be such hard bloody work. It's fucking exhausting. And leaves little time for self care and normal boundaries. And makes self love and self respect last on a long list of things to 'manage'!

This thread has been so helpful, I can't tell you. I have just withdrawn from someone who looked like they might be a friend. She said something that crossed my red line about how people should act towards others (being vague). I was so shocked, she had seemed so nice and right-thinking, you know "conventional". Looking back they were little clues like bossing me about a bit and trying to take charge like I was a child. All in all, just like an ex friend who I had to go NC with. The signs were there with her too and I put up with it for 15 years! Forever making excuses for her. She's had a hard life, she didn't mean it like that, etc.

So glad I know enough to get the hell outta there now. I think about it all a ridiculous amount though. I do seem to attract them. I'm too friendly before I know they are a person to be friendly to, if you know what I mean. I am self deprecating and there are several things about me that mean it's fairly easy to feel superior to me if someone is inclined that way. I seem to attract a lot of unasked for advice, well orders really but I'm happy to ignore that, and the people it comes from! The obviously toxic ones it's easy to give a massive swerve to, but it's the ones that seem nice for a while are a lot harder and by then there's more friendship to extricate yourse!f from! I wish I was a man sometimes. They just don't seem to have all this.

I'm similar- toxic family of origin, now with family of my own but keep looking after / fixing / saving various friends...including mum friends after having children who used me...anyway trying now to be very wary and careful...having acquaintances and strong boundaries, (hard for a people pleaser) which has resulted in some practice in saying no!

Learning to say no, is a good thing, it gets easier as you do it more. I know only have a couple of 'friends' but that is easier...and see them less.

Thanks user8 Yes I have two friends, who are very straightforward and don't play games. I'm happy to stick with them! Two is enough! Enough to see and keep up with as well.

Definitely!