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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To try & work at relationship or not?

8 replies

Kmb4444 · 21/05/2019 19:23

I’m in an 8 yr relationship which has had its share of problems but I’m not sure if to keep going. Basically my OH has had alcohol issues, whereby he relies on it in times of stress. Lost his license & also a DUI this has put pressure on me as we run a business which requires driving daily. Alcohol dependency at its worst impacts the rest of the family, the let downs, the unreliability & the overall stress caused have been difficult to say the least. I’ve supported & tried hard to not to enable. OH has suffered depression/anxiety since death of father. I have 2 DD’s 13 & 17 who have become to dislike him due to his unreliability & seeing me upset + having to cover his workload quite regularly. 2 weeks ago I lost my temper big time after a trivial thing but the pressure/resentment had just built up in me. Since then he has been living in our camper van outside & we’ve barely seen him. I’ve had to put in many hours & am struggling physically to keep up now. Myself & my DD’s seemed more relaxed without him around. Yesterday he appeared & started working & has done today, says we can work things out etc. Thing is I’ve been here before many times & my DD’s have had to go with my decision to try & make it work. We’ve just been offered a fairly lucrative work contract that will mean more work/staff its set to start in a month. Without his input albeit when he’s able (though says that will change!) I can’t do it, do I just employ someone & ask him to leave or will this pull us together as financially it will help us enjoy life more. Am I kidding myself as although I hear him say he understands why I’m feeling let down within our relationship it remains to be seen if he will make the changes needed. Before we’ve just slipped back into old ways & go round in a circle eventually. He says it’s about me & you & that the DD’s will have to go along with what we decide but I’m concerned as the youngest one keeps asking me are you going back with him. She’s fed up with seeing me upset/working very hard -despite me trying to hide it. What to do? Try counselling, sit DD’s down & explain if we re-try or call it a day once & for all. Should add he’s substantially reduced the alcohol but I’m not stupid enough not to realise he really needs to be teetotal to be a better person.

OP posts:
allergyhelpnewbaby · 21/05/2019 19:26

He is an alcoholic. Unless he stops drinking then alcohol will always be more important to him than you and your children. It does not sound like he is even trying to stop.

Kmb4444 · 21/05/2019 20:19

He was referred to alcohol counselling/treatment but slipped back after a few months. He’s now on a reduction plan & has halved his intake. Just had a conversation whereby he’s saying stop worrying about the future business venture I will put 100% in. I’ve tried to explain that I’ve heard it before & gradually the unreliability creeps in. Apparently that’s me being negative but I call it realistic so we’ve stopped talking now.

OP posts:
allergyhelpnewbaby · 21/05/2019 20:22

Has he admitted that he is an alcoholic? Is he planning on completely stopping alcohol at some point?

Kmb4444 · 21/05/2019 20:34

Yes he’s admitted he’s alcohol dependent as the GP calls it. He has the medication to assist him with cravings after he’s stopped totally. It’s just if something crops up he uses it as a crutch to cope so needs CBT in my opinion.

OP posts:
Dontcarewhatimdoing · 21/05/2019 20:35

I think the sensible thing would be for him to go for now. He can then address his alcohol issues, and come back to you when he is reliably sober. If you have not moved on and realised that life is better without him in it by then, you could then think about trying again. There is no point in continuing as you are, as it clearly isn't working and you can't trust him.

snowbear66 · 21/05/2019 20:51

Do you really think that he can give up alcohol or is it just something he's saying to get you on board again?
My father was a sort of functioning alcoholic and his problems dominated my childhood, I would say your 2 daughters would be happier without him.

Kmb4444 · 21/05/2019 21:11

Good question, I’ve tried to explain actions speak louder than words & I’ve avoided issuing ultimatums at the moment. Yes you’re probably right re DD’s & that has to be at the front of my mind. We were a very happy family in the first 3 years then he lost his Dad & it all changed. Says his aim is to be teetotal soon.

OP posts:
allergyhelpnewbaby · 21/05/2019 21:40

Actions do speak louder than words. What are you actions telling?

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