Advice please actions during separation

[Cookiebear3]

First ever post here, Ive been with my husband a long time and we separated 6 months ago, during that time i asked him to work it out but he had decided he didn't want to.
He recently told me he now does want to but has admitted to sleeping with someone i vaguely know during our time apart. I definitely know it wasn't when we were together.
I would love to work it out but how do i get over this, i know we weren't together but i feel awful that it was so soon after our separation.
Please if anyone has any advice on how to get over it and if anyone has experienced this i would love to hear, thanks

Do you want to get back with him?

It’s good he’s been honest with you, but would he be as happy to get back with you if you had slept with someone during your break?

Maybe he needs to give you some space to get over what he’s done during the break first then see how you feel after you’ve had some more time apart. If he’s that keen to get back with you he’ll be patient and accept you need time.

X

Hi yes i do, i really want to make it work but i just cant get the thought of them together out of my head, i feel physically sick and have lost weight already.
Im just hoping time will make it less raw x

I would take some time away. I’d set some ground rules though, that he never contacts her again and shows he wants to make it work.

He was quick to get in another woman’s bed after all, and when you wanted to get back with him he was “too busy” I assume? Did he think the grass was greener? I’d certainly make him sweat. You need time to decide if you can a) get over it, and b) if it’s truly what you want.
You might feel differently in time. Plenty of partners have cheated and they somehow get back together and forgive each other, others do not as they can’t get past it. So it’s something you need to decide for yourself and it’s not going to be something you can decide over night.
Have you thought about going to couples therapy? It might help to get a mediator to help you work through how you both feel and get some perspective. Or just solo therapy if you don’t want to do it as a couple? xx

Hi OP. My H left me after having an EA to make it physical. Our relationship was poor at the time and some of my behaviour was questionable/ abusive. Once he was “with” her, and reality set in, he wanted to try again. But neither of us had changed. I asked him to leave and he went back to her. Fast forward 2 months and he wants to try again again! I am really in two minds - I feel unhappy without him (nearly a year all in) but don’t know if I can get over it. My problem is I feel partly to blame for him leaving as I was awful. And I know if we can make it work our lives will be better.

But I did the whole visualising them together on a loop in my head. I saw a woman breast feeding and burst into tears thinking of him .... well you can imagine. I’m now over that.

You were apart and he was therefore “allowed” to pursue another relationship. If you want to be with him, think you can trust him, then seriously consider working through this together. But baby steps. I am focussing in building my self esteem, understanding why I became abusive and generally trying to be the best version of me ( sorry for want speak) and just seeing what happens. Good luck .

I'd be very cautious. I'd worry that because things didn't work out with the interim gf he wants the familiar comfort of you again.

How long were you married? How far have you come in 6 months? I think your anxiety and weight loss might bd big signs that this is not the right decision for you.

Thankyou both,
Im already attending counselling myself since the split but its not really his thing so i cant imagine he would go too.
He was really upset telling me I've never seen him cry like that so i do think he regrets it massively.

I definitely will take it slow and make sure we aren't repeating any bad habits from before, im glad you said that the images die down in time as i just want to be happy again x

Hi khalessi
Together 20+ years, she wasn't really a gf just a fling.
I suffer anxiety already but yep this has just worsened it, even though i want to make it work we can still pull back if it doesnt so i feel everyone deserves a second chance but that will be the only one x

Think about why you split in the first place. What has changed since then?

If you really want to give it another chance, take it very slowly. See how you are in each others' company but resist the temptation for intimacy too quickly as that will just scramble your thoughts.

I will be, he has changed things since the split and been working on himself.
I just wish i could get rid of the knot in my stomach and stop thinking of them together.

There won’t be a one size fits all for this kind of thing. It might take you longer to accept and forget than someone else but that doesn’t matter. You’ll be ready when you’re ready and if you aren’t then it’s ok to move on.
If it was me I would spend some time focusing on myself. I wouldn’t rush back to living together if possible, i would arrange a night out with friends as often as I could, have my hair and nails done, whatever it is that makes me feel good. You’ve done zero wrong, I’m not saying he’s got making up to do, as you were separated, but he’s messed you about and he can’t just expect to waltz back into home life again.
When you are ready, arrange a date night with him but just don’t rush things.
That’s what I would do at least! X

Thankyou for the advice blondie, i think i will start going out a bit more and taking time to build myself up again its been a rough week, maybe the weight loss will be a bonus with some exercise feel a bit more toned.

We wont rush back moving in as hes just got a house organised so we have plenty of space to get to know each other again and date night sounds good as we met as teens so never really did dating