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Original poster

No birthday card

24 replies

Gingerninja01 · 21/05/2019 15:34

OH of 10yrs didn’t bother to get me a birthday card from either himself or our DD. I’ve always said not to worry about a present but I love getting a card with a nice message.
There’s been a few times he’s done similar things (like the birthday I was pregnant and a week away from giving birth and no card/pressie) and he didn’t get me a mother’s day card from DD this year. He knows both times I was quite upset and I told him I feel I’m clearly not worth the effort of even just popping to the garage up the road and getting any old card.
One of my lovely friends actually sent me a moonpig card “from DD” today as she knew he wouldn’t bother to pick me one up from her.
Would others be upset by this? Or am I being a bit over sensitive?

OP posts:
sausage1968 · 21/05/2019 15:43

I would be upset too....happy birthday big hugs x x

Original poster
Gingerninja01 · 21/05/2019 15:45

Thanks! x

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 21/05/2019 15:52

I'm not too bothered about cards but it is the fact you have told him how you feel and he is still not doing anything about it. Like you say, it doesn't take much to pick up a card or even order one online one night.

madcatladyforever · 21/05/2019 15:54

Yes I'd be upset too. That's beyond lazy and inconsidestep. Did he do anything at all for you on your birthday? Hugs xxx

MMmomDD · 21/05/2019 15:58

First things first - OP - do you generally feel loved and happy in a relationship?
If yes - I’d think about why this is so important to you.
If not - i’d address the actual issues, not transfer it to the card.

Clearly he doesn’t express his feelings this way. I don’t either - and the expectation to make a ‘nice card’ twice annually would make me feel resentful, and like it’s a chore.
And - why would you want him to make up a card from a child who can’t write one????
Why the pretence? Wait a few years and she’ll be making you real cards.

Butterymuffin · 21/05/2019 15:58

That's crap of him. I know you've said you tell him not to get presents but it's not excessive to enjoy a bit of recognition. I wonder whether he has slid from making minimal effort to thinking now he doesn't need to make any at all. I would have a calm chat about how you don't feel valued.

Butterymuffin · 21/05/2019 16:17

the expectation to make a ‘nice card’ twice annually would make me feel resentful, and like it’s a chore

Going to Clintons twice a year is hardly being sent down the mines.

MMmomDD · 21/05/2019 16:22

@Butterymuffin

But it’s not just the card, is it? There needs to be a message that is ‘nice’ - and different every year, I presume....
For me - any sort of prescriptive and expected expressions of feelings seem fake.
And I personally - would rather have a hug and an ‘I love you’ - Not on a schedule but when the other person actually feels like saying it. Then it’s heartfelt and meaningful.

But as I said - it all comes down to how OP feels in general in a relationship. Probably he isn’t making her feel loved otherwise.
If he did - the lack of card won’t be much of an issue - I presume

Pippin2028 · 22/05/2019 00:34

This is a subject where so many people have different feelings, for some people it's not a big deal but I understand how it can be for many. A birthday is a chance to do something special and if someone close to you won't acknowledge it as a gesture such as a card, I understand how you feel undervalued and underappreciated. Not everyone has the money for gifts but even if your on a tight budget, you can stretch to a card for someone you love and appreciate. I'm sorry you feel hurt and I think your within your rights to feel this way
.

chipsandgin · 22/05/2019 00:39

Wouldn’t bother me but I’m genuinely not fussed about cards. Have you read the love languages book - it’s a massive insight into the way we behave and understand different expressions of love (or not!). If he is not great in other ways then the lack of card I’d the least of your problems - but if he is and you love him but are just frustratef he doesn’t get why this bothers you it’s worth a read..

chipsandgin · 22/05/2019 00:40

www.5lovelanguages.com/

TurnTheFreakingFrogsGay · 22/05/2019 00:56

Dh and I aren't fussed about cards so don't usually bother.

However there's a couple of people in our family who do appreciate and look forward to a card, mil for example spends a lot of time choosing cards to send and because dh loves his Mam he gets of his arse and buys her one as do I for my friend.

Doesn't matter how many of us are not bothered about receiving cards. This man knows his wife likes them and can't even be arsed to spend a few mins picking one off Moonpig.

Recent thread where women were saying the card and gift buying for family comes under "wifework" and something men don't often do, many people on there said it's hardly much effort to buy a card in this day and age and how you don't even have to leave the sofa, assuming this is the only card hes expected to buy for anyone, a minute on Moonpig is fuck all to show he listens to and appreciates his wife.

The lack of card on its own probably isn't what's upsetting OP, it's be what it represents in other parts of their marriage and the effort (or lack of) that goes into showing she's appreciated.

FuriousVexation · 22/05/2019 03:16

Fuck me, a Moonpig card would be way more insulting than getting nothing

Expressedways · 22/05/2019 03:24

It’s crap he did nothing to mark your birthday. The fact that he made zero effort, even when you already excused him from all but the bare minimum and specifically told him you only wanted a card, shows a total lack of appreciation. I assume this typical behaviour from him if your lovely friend got a personalised card made ahead of time and sent it from your DD. Normally that would be a really weird thing for a friend to do so she must have known he wouldn’t bother. I’m sorry.

Alicewond · 22/05/2019 03:25

I don’t do cards personally, however if you made it clear to him that what you wanted then it’s different, maybe. I would have expected at least a token present though

RantyAnty · 22/05/2019 03:40

Yes, I'd be upset about it and make it clear to him you expect a card and a little something on special days.

It doesn't matter one squat who doesn't like gifts, cards, or doesn't like to give them. All it matters is that YOU like it and expect it.

RiversDisguise · 22/05/2019 04:13

I would try not to get upset. Every man does do things differently...

My husband buys me cards for birthday, Women's Day etc and it drives me nuts... I see it as a stupid waste of money. Maybe we should swap husbands? Wink

Beechview · 22/05/2019 06:56

I would have a chat too. It’s sad that he made no effort whatsoever when it means something to you.

Do you do anything for his birthday?

Shoxfordian · 22/05/2019 06:59

He sounds inconsiderate
Is this a general problem or is it just the card? I would be really unimpressed if my dh didn't get me a card or present(s!) for my birthday

ChristmasFluff · 22/05/2019 07:27

OMG, some of these responses! I'm with Butterymuffin all the way. To me, cards are a total pain in the tits. I don't buy them because they are significant to me - I buy them because they are significant to friends/family. Because I am a person who gives a shit about the feelings of others.

And surely it's NORMAL to give your partner a card 'from' your child? The look on their little faces as they hand it over - even I loved that, and I don't care about cards.

So this means that either this man has no care for anyone's feelings, or he only doesn't care about his wife's feelings. The way the post reads, he's actually treating her with contempt. Either way, OP, is this the sort of bloke you want to be with?

I hope his birthdays go unmarked by you. Especially after the divorce.

wonderwhat · 22/05/2019 07:33

I have this issue too so I totally understand how you feel. It’s upsetting. It put me off my DH a bit to be honest because showing effort on my birthday meant a lot to me. I don’t care about Christmas but a birthday is personal. It meant I stopped making any effort on his and I also found that hard because I’m an expressive person who loves to treat but I found he ended up dictating/controlling that side of our relationship. I told him it was important to me, he decided he didn’t want to make the effort and I was left to deal with my feelings about it. I think causing somebody you love upset in that way is hurtful in my book and it shows a lack of respect and unwillingness to make effort to meet somebody else’s need.

Original poster
Gingerninja01 · 22/05/2019 13:00

Thanks for your replies. He always says he doesn’t see the point in cards, but he knows I keep special cards from him/DD so I thought it was shitty to not bother. I wasn’t even expecting him to go to the effort of going into town but just getting one from the garage and writing a nice message/ordering one off moonpig etc was apparently too much effort for him. He didn’t even say sorry.

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 24/05/2019 16:31

Did he even say happy birthday?

MrsJonesAndMe · 24/05/2019 16:37

Wow! DH's birthday today. For comparison... he was woken up and we did presents/cards... DS drew one, DD had a shop bought one, as did I. He had presents from each of us, then we sang happy birthday over his cake alternative and sent him off to work.

Tomorrow we'll have a nice family day out with a meal and something he'll enjoy.

Your OH has put no effort in whatsoever. This isn't about languages of love - it's about him not bothering AT ALL!

Sending you Flowers and (((hugs)))

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