We are at a crossroads... Advice please

[crackalacking]

Hi... I rarely post here but I'm at a loss as what to do. Me (39)and my boyfriend (34) have been together nearly y 3 years. I have 3 kids from my 17yr marriage and he has one from a previous relationship. He has never been married.
I am about 2 months away from being divorced (we have been split up 5 yrs) and my bf wants to know if I have intentions of a long term life with him. He wants to be a family and get married (and in an ideal world have a child) though this is not a huge thing and he knows I do not want that and it's not a deal breaker as 4 between us is plenty. The thing is we have lived together before and it didn't work out. Since he got his own flat we have been much better... Quality time spent together is great... When he has his daughter for the weekend we always do things as a family and all get on good. His daughter and I are very fond of each other.
He often says he feels like I blow hot and cold as I do on occasion say I might like to get married again in the future but on the whole I say no. My marriage was horrible and its really made me scared of the commitment of it all.
He tires to understand but he also says he feels like I'm just wasting his time and stringing him along with no clear idea which way our relationship will go.
When we do argue usually over something trivial he can be very spiteful, I shut down which makes it worse and I hate to say sorry. To say we don't communicate very well is an understatement.
Coupled with the fact he has suspected ADHD for which he has tried and failed to get help for (instead he self medicate with CBD oil). I really find it hard to manage his mood swings and he can't deal with my time of the month at all. With all this being said we adore each other... Like two magnets... I love him very much but don't know what to do. Couples Counselling? Go ahead and try or walk away. I don't want him to feel I'm wasting his time. By the same token I don't want to make huge commitment to him(financially and emotionally) and have it all go to shit. Any advice welcome. Thanks if you for this far.

You stand by your guns. I really can’t see the point in getting married in your position.

I totally agree with you

If you can't live together, what's the point?

We lived together for a year and a half and have now lived separately almost a year.

I agree with a PP: stick to your guns. If you do not want to do it, then don't. If breaking up is the solution, then do it. It's tough, but it might be the only way forward.

If you can't live together then I don't see how you can get married

Couple counselling saved our relationship- now we are 7 years further down the line have had another kid and honestly happier than I've ever been. Really recommend it if he's up for it. (My OH was v angry about the idea but after just one session he had completely changed his mind.) Sounds like there are lots of good bits in your relationship, good luck.

If living together didn't work out i can't see how being married would be any better. It sounds like you have a good arrangement at the moment.

I have suggested couples counselling but he won't do it. He says we should be able to work it out between the two of us. I am watching YouTube videos on how to communicate better and so far the advice is working. Our relationship is so confusing as 50%of the time we are great and 50 % is bad.... I just want a quiet life!!

In your position, I don’t think I’d stay in a ltr with someone I couldn’t live with & 50% of the time was a bad relationship.