Is This Normal!?

[Thoughts2019]

Hi all,

I just wanted to have a broader discussion on something that really is starting to grate on me. To be honest, it has grated on me for a while.

I am a new dad. My partner and I were trying for a few years and we were blessed with an amazing baby girl. I am back at work and my partner has taken a years maternity leave.

My daughter has 2 sets of amazing grandparents. My parents are quite elderly and mobility is an issue. My partners parents are only about 18 years older than us. We are in our mid 30's. My partner is an incredible mother and even takes job of having to spend my weekends and evenings doing visits to my parents by taking our daughter there for 2 1 hour visits a week. Both our parents live local enough and we're extremely lucky to have them.

My issue is as much as I adore my partners parents, her mum is often pretty (unknowingly) selfish (maybe just in my opinion) in that she works part time and is already close to my partner in that they speak about 10 times a day. I love that about my partner as she is a lot more warm and family orientated than I am and tbf it's none of my business how often she speaks to anyone. Her dad can go up to 2 weeks without having to visit the baby but her mum sees the baby at least 3 times a week and will always put pressure on my partner to arrange more visits or plan family days out (their family with me always genuinely invited). I have never been into this. Family is very important to me as my family is very small (only immediate family live over here, the rest live across the pond). Her family is huge in comparison and they all live local. But I'm a lover of boundaries and love my privacy.

I'm back at work so evenings and more so weekends are extremely sacred to me as it's my time when I can really bond and do fun things with our baby in this new bubble I like to live in. But I'm starting to dread weekends as her mum is constantly finding any excuse to get the baby over and my partner (who is self admittedly a massive people pleaser) really struggles to say no as her mum knows how to make her feel bad (often not deliberately)

For the record- I love her parents to death and they're equally fond of me so it's hard to write this as I don't feel like me mentioning anything directly would help. I don't want them to feel hurt and I don't want them to feel like they have to back off but there is a colossal disparity between grandparent visit satisfaction.

My siblings all live local and they rarely visit unless invited as they just feel I should enjoy the moment and are just happy to see her as and when. Same goes for my parents. But her parents (her mum really) just always seems to want to get more time in even though she gets to see her 3 times a week. As mentioned, weekends will come and there will be some family friend or distant relatives visiting her parents so there'll be another excuse to take the baby there for the day. (Again, I'm always invited)

But I really want to build my own family unit without having such a huge imbalance between my baby's need to see my partners mum!

This can't be hugely uncommon (for dads?). But I'd love to get some perspective from both parents just to stop feeling like I'm being unreasonable or trying to weaken a bond just to make my new family time more exclusive.

I know to what extent I'm being selfish but I just don't feel like my partners mother should be so spoilt with time when I literally never suggest doing much which involves my daughter being away from my partner or my partner having to be dragged places she doesn't want to be to spend (shared) quality time with her.

Oh and btw, despite all the aforementioned, my partner and I are in a loving relationship. I just think as time goes on, this will affect this.

You are right to be thinking ahead. Becoming a family unit when a new baby arrives if a big life change - and challenge! All relationships, both your with your partner and with the wider family, start to shift a round a bit.

TBH I do think that your partner talking with her Mum 10 x a day sounds a bit OTT.

Have you tried talking to your partner about what you want in the way of time spent with just the 3 of you? You could word it in that way, rather than it sounding like a mum rejection.

The only way forward is for your partner to find a way today that at weekends it’s just the nuclear family.
You are not being selfish, it’s just how you want to do family.

I thing the novelty of having the baby in all your lives is leading to this competition over who gets to see who and when.
This will all settle down eventually, as your baby grows up a bit as starts having her own routine and activities.

But - you do sound a little demanding and controlling of your partners life.
You know - and you mentioned it yourself - that she is a family orientated person. So - don’t then go counting the number of time she is speaking or seeing her mom. And surely - don’t decide what is a right number for that.
It is very lonely being a new mom at home with a baby. Seeking a company of an adult - and a friendly adult at that - is totally understandable.
You wanting to stay in your bubble on a weekend - is also understandable. But do consider that your wife spends all her week at home, with just a baby.
Seeing family and other ‘distant’ relations, etc - is her way of socialising. And for me at least - when I think back to those early days - it was a way to keep sane.
It is a big change to go from being an independent adult to being a carer to a baby....

OP - don’t worry. You and your child will develop a bond. No amount of time spent with GP will change that.
And - (although you won’t believe it now) - very soon, as the baby becomes a toddler - you’ll really appreciate those few hours of calm GP can provide. It’s a good thing that you have young and involved GP. You will see it soon too.

Thanks guys,

To be honest, I posted this as I find it a bit more therapeutic to put my feelings out in a forum environment where I can anonymously get impartial opinions so thanks guys for the input.

MMmomDD, I see where you are coming from as my partner has said a lot of what you have said so thanks. And I generally try to avoid conversation around GP as I really don't want to come across as controlling (I'm really, really not).

However, she only actually spends 1 weekday at home just to give the place a maintenance clean. All the other days, she is meeting friends with kids for a coffee or lunch, going to parents groups or popping round to see my parents. Then 2 of the weekdays and one of the evenings are spent with her mum.

My partners social life has obviously changed dramatically but she does get to go out for most of the week and on the days her mum is down, they go out and do nice things. I haven't got any issue with this- it's when the weekend comes and my partner (and I) will get asked to spend a day out with them when I know everyone apart from her mum are quite relaxed about just seeing the baby as and when and getting updates on her development.

Again, her mum is incredible (she really is) and I kinda don't say too much as I'd feel bad disappointing her mum when all she is doing is being overexcited (in my opinion)

Also worth mentioning, when my partner goes back to work, her mum will be looking after the baby full time (which is something both her mum and we want, appreciate and value) so part of me feels like she should respect our time as she'll be getting to watch her grow all day when we are back at work.

And another thing, thanks again for all responses. All of this is so much easier to type, than say! My work is pretty stressful so when I get home, I like to relax with my partner and baby and when weekends come, we usually do nice enough things- I enjoy that a lot too.

That was a really long post and I still don't actually understand exactly what you're asking. You want more time with just you and your wife and daughter, is that it?

@NunoGoncalves I suppose the post is more on how to handle one grandparent who is never satisfied with a fair amount of visitation.

Everyone is different. Some people will like to spend all their time around the wider family. Others are the opposite (despite loving both families to death)

I'm a new parent. I just want to find out how other people deal with this scenario

OP - I am sorry - but in this second post you still are coming out as a bit controlling and selfish.....
And maybe a little insecure and in some apparent competition with your partner’s mom. Where there isn’t any !

You can’t just want her mother to look after the baby when partner goes back to work - i.e. when it is convenient for YOU
But try to limit her time with baby now - because now it’s not what YOU want....
The point you are making about ‘respecting your time’ now as se’ll get more time later - only makes sense in your head. It’s not a sharing agreement 🤷🏻‍♀️

And since you said - your partner already told you some of the things I said - I am assuming your partner doesn’t share your opinion. And she is spending time with her mom because that is something that she wants to do and it gives her support.
And btw - when she pops out of the house to have a coffee with a friend, or to see your parents for an hour - she then still spends lots of time caring for the baby - feeds, sleeping, changing - and I presume it’s in the house.
So - going to her mom’s place might - just might - give her a break that you don’t seem to understand and/or value.

I am going to assume that all of this a due to some sort of new parent insecurity that you will, hopefully, grow out of. Your kids will be with you for a very long time. And no grand-parent will replace you in their life. Just don’t make issues where there are none.

Ultimately you need to discuss your feelings with your partner and compromise to reach an arrangement that you are both happy with. That is the simple answer to all marriage issues, surely?

In terms of whether your feelings are normal, we're all different. I have no problem with my MiL being close to my partner and our children (which she is—she lives on the same street and sees us most days), but if I DID, I would talk to my partner about it.

@MMmomDD I agree with part of what you're saying but also a few parts I disagree with. My partner herself will often feel pressured and will (sometimes even) say things about feeling tired of feeling like she has to please her mum. She isn't oblivious and as I mentioned before, she always says is a people pleaser.

When her mum calls a lot and often when she suggests to bring her round for the a weekend day, she'll tell me when she feels pressured/ it's too much. Understandably, she won't tell her mum as she doesn't want to affect the bond. It isn't my place to tell her how to interact with her mum so I leave her to figure this out. Maybe I take her frustration shown on too much and think she gets as frustrated as I do. Who knows.

I get the angle you're coming from- it's hard to explain. There isn't really anything to "grow out" of and no one I feel I need to "compete" with her mum has absolutely no idea how I feel. My parents would love to see my baby every day- so would my friends and siblings. But I don't make arrangements in the time I have free with everyone who wants to see the baby as I don't it's fair to spend the little time we have as a family, doing so.

As I've said, it's a bit more therapeutic sharing this on an anonymous forum than to say it to her mum or bother my partner too much on this.

But look, I'm a dad. An excited one. I really don't think wanting to have family time a bit more exclusively on weekends is as bad as it must appear to look. Everyone

@NunoGoncalves I hear ya! Compromise is what's needed. My partner and I are pretty solid at that in every other aspect. But the baby And we are first time parents is new so this is an area we are unfamiliar in trying to crack!

It can't be that uncommon for one parent to feel like this?!

It does sound excessive. I can see how such situations arise if your partner and her mum are close in age and I am guessing this is the first grandchild in the family on that side. Some grandparents can get a bit overbearing and overexcited about the new baby and feel like they will miss out on seeing their development if they don't see them every 3 days.

As time goes on, you will hopefully both appreciate having such hands on support on your doorstep but babies don't do very much at this stage and I can understand that feeling of wanting to experience more moments of your little family of 3. I remember some precious times in those early months with just me, DH and our dd.

Your partner is going to have to learn to find her assertive voice if she is feeling railroaded into pleasing her mother. Could you make some plans so you and she are busy for the next few weekends?

If her mother is desperate to see the baby and your partner cant say no, how about she allows her mother to come over at a set time that leads up to you going out so she can't outstay her welcome.

All the visits to someone else's house with a new baby sound exhausting to me.

I’ll make few more points and then i’ll stop. And I do think you’ll get more confident in your connection with the baby and see that it’s not down to the number it times she spends with others vs you.

1 a daughter’s connection with a mother is different to any other adults in the family/extended family....
So - it’s not comparable to her seeing other members of your family or socialising with friends...
Mothers - good ones, at least - help their daughters on a very different level when daughters become mothers themselves. It both provides comfort and builds confidence in daughters as motherhood is daunting, and mothers are expected to just know it all and be able to do it all...

1. Your parents or siblings wanting to ‘see’ the baby isn’t comparable to the GP who is going to be taking care of that baby on an ongoing basis in the near future.

‘Seeing the baby’ - by the uncles/aunts is that - it’s a passive act of cooing over the baby for a brief period. And smiling at them. Your partner’s mother is being involved in the care of the baby - as she SHOULD be. She needs to be both bonded and undertake the baby’s needs on a whole different level - IF you are planning to leave the baby with her for duration of time when partner goes back to work. Think about what’s in baby’s best interest. Not only about your desire for a nuclear family unit separate from the world. When your partner leaves baby with GM and goes off to work - what reaction would you like the baby to have????

It’s up to you - how you manage your side of the family - and how often you invite them over to your place or visit them.
Your partner - and her relationship with her mom is hers. If/when she is feeling overwhelmed - she needs to grow up and tell her mom she is too tired to come. You can’t do it for her.

I don't agree that you sound controlling. Your post is one if the most reasonable thought out posts I've ever read on MN.

I would worry that your parents and siblings are missing out at the expense of your wife's family. Why does she need to be in phone contact with her DM 10 times per day?

Someone on a recent thread phones their MiL every day (so that she doesn't actually come round) and I think even that is OTT.

I think there needs to be a fairer sharing out and lesser time spent with both sets of GP and also more quality time set aside for just you, your DW and baby to spend together.

You really do need to address this with your DW as she needs to be on the same page as you regarding how much time she spends with her DM ( whether other visitors are at her DM's or not).

If this is frustrating you now then it's a problem that needs sorting.

You need to make it clear to DW that if she doesn’t stop your mil’s weekend visits that you will and you won’t be polite about it. This is ridiculous. Your wife needs a backbone

Thanks @greenteam and yes, spot on! It is their first GC.

Thing is, I love her mum to bits! I love our whole families and we get on really well. GM normally spends 2 weekdays and a weekday evening visiting the baby.

My partner is an absolute darling. In that she really (really) hates feeling like she has let anyone down. Whereas I'm the opposite in that I find it a lot easier to let someone down gently and not feel like I have to say yes to every proposition. I suppose in that sense, opposites attract!

I'm sure we'll figure it out as time goes on. Most importantly, everyone around our child loves her and is very supportive. Most times I feel like it's better to not ever mention anything but prior to our baby, my partner and I have always been brutally honest if something bothers either of us.

Tbf, we can communicate, well. It's just that we're literally clueless on how to handle this. But the feedback is pretty helpful

One thing I do to limit visits from unwanted grandparents is to make sure we're very busy every weekend! Booking stuff weeks in advance, not necessarily with other friends or family, but just our little family. Even sometimes I block out our diaries to indicate we have a commitment (decorating, shopping, something). It also helps give my DH ammunition if there's a request from the ILs as he has a ready-made excuse. Also, how about a few short breaks in these last few months of mat leave?

I feel like you need to break the habit and make sure you MIL realises you're not always around and have your own plans.

@MMmomDD the baby is only a few months old and her mum spends 2 days a week with her. She doesn't need to spend 5 and her routines will develop. Her GM spends all the time coping as much as everyone. We haven't asked her to provide any kind of care yet and I completely understand that when my partner goes back to work, her GM will need to have an idea of what is needed on a day to day. She spends 2 days and an evening a week getting this. This isn't as much of a war on my partners mum as it may seem to you. I'm putting it out on a forum as I wouldn't ever want to hurt her mums feelings. She loves my baby incredibly and neither of us would ever dream of trying to control/ enforce the time spent with each others friends or families hence I'm letting off some steam via this platform rather than being brutally honest with my partner as I don't want make a larger issue. But I do want to enjoy my fatherhood.

Speak to your Mil not us. Seriously

Thanks @Gigglinghysterically I agree 100%

I think arranging some events for the weekends that just involve you, your wife and baby is good advice. Perhaps you could also offer a definite date with the in-laws to do something- a family picnic/bbq/whatever a couple of weekends away from now, saying how much you have on yourselves for the intervening weekends.

Any pressure to come over at the weekend in the meantime can be dealt with by saying "Oh we would have loved to, but we're busy that weekend, but we're really looking forward to the bbq on the 18th (or whatever)"

I'm sure it'll all calm down after a while.

@Shodan thanks, yes that seems to be the general advice and something we admittedly haven't tried. I suppose it also eliminates a lot of awkward feeling too

I don't think you sound controlling at all, in fact quite the opposite. You seem thoughtful and very aware which is great.

I can completely understand that having anyone constantly visiting can be a bit much, even when it is family. As this is your wife's mum, it's up to her to start arranging some boundaries, she will have to slowly but politely begin to reign in on her availability. If she is happy to spend time with her mum every time you're at work, that is fine that is entirely up to her. However, when you are at home, there does need to be some privacy between a married couple and I respect that you want to enjoy your family without having your mother in law always there.

Speak to your wife and ask her to slowly mention comments to her mum about how you have plans for the weekend or certain evenings so that she doesn't invite herself over. Of course this does not mean she is not welcome any time you are at home, but it just needs to be trimmed down a bit. In the long run, the amount of time you and your wife get alone will contribute to the success of your relationship.

Unfortunately, this is dependent on your wife, please approach the topic carefully and do not dismiss her mum entirely, just mention that you want to enjoy her as your wife and your little one together when you're home.

Hopefully your wife can start working on this with your support and mother in law can calm down a bit. Her excitement is justified, but she does need to be a little self aware, and respect that her daughter does need some time with her husband without her being there constantly.

I hope things work out for you all and it's wonderful to hear of families where the wife and husband both love and respect their in laws. All the best to you and your beautiful family.