My partner left me and our home just over 8 weeks ago. Communication has broken down and we’d been distant towards each other. The weeks prior to her leaving had been awakened, rather than hostile. There had been no discussion prior to her leaving; she came home, packed her belongings and left one evening. It all happened very abruptly and this was heartbreaking. A lot has happened in my life during this past year, most significantly redundancy and a family member being murdered. These events had lead to me feeling emotionally numb and this has been difficult for all.
In the first few weeks since she left, we had almost no communication. I arranged counselling for myself, and suggested relationship counselling for us. She wanted time alone, so was not open to the idea. There were a few weeks of carefully balancing giving her space and communicating how I felt about her. I made my feelings for her clear and let her know that I wanted to find a way to reconcile; we are engaged, and I still want us to marry.
We eventually spent some time together, talking or just enjoying each other’s company. We attended a counselling session, and decided to move forward with it together. Unfortunately, there’s a waiting list and so sessions will not start until next month.
While things seemed to be heading in the right direction, my partner understandably has mixed feelings. In recent weeks, she has been running hot and cold towards me. She would be very affectionate one day, and hostile the next. I took her out for her Birthday and bought her gifts which she loved, but she almost ignored me entirely on mine. She calls me whenever she needs help with something, but then goes silent for days. She suggests seeing each other, then cancels. She is tactile with kissing and holding hands, but then does not want to be near me and gets angry towards me. She is clearly confused, but this is also very confusing and unsettling for me.
We both have a daughter from a previous relationship. Her daughter spends time with her Dad on alternate weekends. My daughter’s mother died three years ago. Neither of them seem to want us to reconcile. In fact, my partner has said that her daughter has told her that she refuses to move back if we do reconcile. My daughter is indifferent to the idea, saying that it is my decision. My partner has hostile feelings towards my daughter, and appears to ignore what she has been through with her mother passing away.
While I acknowledge these are huge obstacles and are best dealt with in family counselling, my partner feels it seems impossible for us to get through them.
My partner is now on holiday with her daughter along with other family. We are supposed to talk when she returns, but I’m very anxious about the whole situation. She has not communicated with me while she’s been away, unless it was to help her with something. It’s approaching the anniversary of when my family member was killed, so it is a traumatic time for me and I feel very vulnerable right now.
I’d value any thoughts or suggestions you might share to help me cope with the situation, and what you think is the best way forward. Is it really impossible for us to reconcile and should we go our separate ways?