Husbands texts with Ex wife

[eyeofthetiger1979]

Hello, I’ve never spoken to anyone about this as as I’m the only person i know married to someone with kids and an ex wife.
My husband lies to me about how much and the way he speaks to his ex. I’ve been reading his phone for months (I know it’s wrong but every time I find something I’m unhappy with so it just makes me do it again), but only the messages between him and his ex. He tells me he’s blunt with her and only speaks to her as and when necessary (about the kids). However the messages are overly chatty in my opinion and frequent. He lends her money all the time and pays for things without telling me. She also called him at 11pm a couple of nights ago when she had been drinking. To me that tends to suggest there is an over familiarity there. I honestly am starting to feel embarrassed at what she must think of our relationship with all his going on behind my back.
If I try and talk to him about it it always ends up in a huge argument. He hates talking to me about his ex and bites my head off. He blames me that he hides stuff because of how I react. I’ve asked him to go to some counselling sessions together to try and work on our communication. However he said he doesn’t have the money to pay for his share of it (must all be going to his ex as he earns a decent wage) and if we need counselling we may as well split.
Add into it all I’m 24 weeks pregnant and so feeling trapped. Where do I go from here?

It sounds like the trust has gone in your relationship both ways, both with him hiding things and you looking at his phone. You need to have a calm conversation about how you feel and decide if you and your baby want to live with him.
Unfortunately she is always going to be part of his life, as will you, because of his kids. if there is no sign that it is going past texts and conversations I would try to talk it out with him.

He could be trying to keep things amicable for an easy life . She could also be one of these clingy exes - can't do anything on her own, regrets what has happened , uses the kids as an excuse to get in touch etc . In a way you are playing into her hands by letting it get between you . Accept they need to communicate . Men are pretty naive when it comes to women and their wily ways . They think they are just being "nice"

Yeah, women, eh? Fucking clingy wily witches.

Is there anything suggestive in their messages?

Are they just chit chat or heart to hearts?

If it's on the whole friendly, then leave it be. He was married to her and they share kids, so being friendly is fine.

He doesn't need to be blunt with her and he probably just said that to appease you.

Is your relationship a good one? Do you feel loved and respected? I would focus on those things tbh... he will always be in touch with his Ex, that's the baggage that comes from a man (or woman) who have kids together.

I agree with thestuffedpenguin. Men are so naive when it comes to women and he does have the threat of the kids hanging over him, whether it's been openly threatened or not.

Hiding things isn't great, however I can fully understand where he's coming from if you react everytime. Perhaps talk to him calmly and ask him to be open and honest and say that you don't mind him having an amicable relationship (you shouldn't mind) with his ex along as he's open about it. Try and reassure him that as long as he doesnt hide stuff you'll stop looking and you won't overreact to innocent texts.

They have children together and whilst many people think any contact should only be about them, a lot if us had long relationships with these people and if it ended a while ago and upure both over it then why should it remain so hostile? I was married for 16 years to someone instated seeing at the age of 14! We broke up 5 years ago, we mainly discuss the kids but we also talk to each other like I would any other friend, theres nothing in it but it's far nicer all round that we get on.

Cut him some slack, give him a chance and see if you let go a bit whether he relaxes

Oh honestly. Would you rather he was amicable for the sake of his children, or be a dick just to appease you?

Lending her money is surely for the kids and living expenses but he should be honest with you
Why not encourage more contact and show enthusiasm so he can stop hiding it? Can you invite her in next time she drops the kids off, suggest a day out all together, maybe if you got to know her you’d know she isn’t s threat? On the bright side he has a positive relationship with his kids and the mother of his kids
Push for Relate counselling pay for it yourself if necesssary

Having an amicable relationship with an ex, yes, sign of a good decent man, but the way he talks to you doesn't sound good and lending an ex money then having, or claiming no money for counselling isn't great. I don't think I'd like to be married to him.

He gives her money because he feels guilty about leaving his kids and bad that she obvs hasn't moved on, if she's drunk calling him. He is prob starting to feel a bit trapped between her demands and your reactions but tbh if I was 24w pg I would be yelling the house down in your situation.

Also, based on my own experience, it's a horrible feeling when your kids' father has child with someone else. This is probably driving her behaviour right now.

You can't control how he deals with her but you're perfectly entitled to say how it makes you feel when you're about to have a child together. He should be treating you with more respect.

He shouldn’t be lying to you, but honestly, why shouldn’t he have an amicable relationship with his ex? It’s far better for the kids that they see their parents getting along and that they can rely on and be flexible for each other. Are you worried he’s going to go back to her? If not then I’d encourage him to be more open. If you’re worried he is, that’s a different conversation.

Its mainly the fact it all goes on behind closed doors. I’m not against him having an amicable relationship with his ex for the kids, far from it. She had moved on and is in a relationship with someone else, lives with him and had a baby a few months ago. However a lot of her contact seems to be to create issues between us. She called him at 8am the morning after our wedding to speak to the kids. Bare in mind the kids are teenagers with their own phones. There is just no need for it in my opinion and she keeps doing it because she feels like she can.

You are both contributing to a downward cycle. It needs to stop and I would suggest that if he doesn’t pay for counselling then you do.

It is probably more worrying that he makes unilateral decisions about money? Why don’t you have a say and why do you have to find out about his spending in this way?

The issue with the money is that he never makes it to the end of the month with any money left and I’m left having to bail him out. He was supposed to pay for the car insurance this year as I paid last year but he’s told me he doesn’t have the money. I’m the only one putting any money aside for this baby and worried about how we will cope on maternity leave my income takes a hit.
Trust me if his spending didn’t impact our relationship I wouldn’t care what he spends his money on. Hence why I pushed for separate bank accounts with a joint account for all things house related.

It doesn't sound like she's moved on in her own mind. What does her DP think of all this?

People can come up with all sorts of ideas about why the DH acts like this, but all we know for sure is that he is prioritising something (possibly the ex wife) over the health of his marriage, by refusing to pay his share of counselling.

OP, I think this is your 'in' on the conversation, without having to reveal you've read his message. Speak to him about how he isn't pulling his weight financially, and your worries re maternity leave etc. Ask him where his money is going - this is meant to be a partnership, after all.

If you have no luck with that, well, at least it seems like he's a better ex-husband than he is a husband :-(

at christmasFluff - maybe he is prioritizing his children, in which case the situation is totally understandable.

I have to agree with some others that you need to reign it back in.
Unless you fear that he is or going to be cheating on you, than you need to understand the relationship he has with his ex is driven by children. I am afraid you are coming over as controlling. This will be self defeating as the more you are the more he will feel he has to keep things from you.

she keeps doing it because she feels like she can.

And because he doesn't have a problem with it.

Tbh as long as their conversation wasn't flirty/over emotional or inappropriate ( for example him moaning about me) it wouldn't be a problem for me.

he never makes it to the end of the month with any money left and I’m left having to bail him out.

You have more issues than the texting.

I think OP is old enough to understand children come first and is not against it.

What the fuck was she thinking ringing an ex with a wife at home, by 11pm. Was she expecting him to get dressed and hangout with her!

I think there's so much one can take, especially lending her money then his bloody wage doesn't stretch? I'd be needing some justification as it's not fair on you OP. If it's anything to do with the children, he shouldn't be shady about it. Whatever happens to communication/ openess in a relationship/ marriage?

I'd suggest you talked about this but calmly, especially in your current condition ( baby on board). He needs to be honest with you, if it's nothing to do with children involving his ex, needs to stop.

Hence why I pushed for separate bank accounts with a joint account for all things house related
Do you even know how much he earns?
Do you have full access to family finances?

It sounds to me like he's still got a soft spot for his ex - either that or he likes the ego boost of having two women 'after' him, giving him attention, 'fighting' to get his attention.
Though he treats his ex better than he treats his wife.

I'd forget the counselling - he doesn't actually want to go because he probably feels he isn't doing anything wrong.

If i were you i'd be getting my ducks in a row and making plans on being a single parent - because that's where you will eventually end up.
I'd also be asking for full access to family finances so you can see for yourself where all his money is going.
He has no problem leaving you to pay for more than your share, and if you end up on maternity/SAHM he is going to properly shaft you where money is concerned.

Put you and your future dc first and make sure you're financially secure - even in the event of a split.

His ex sounds like one of those women who still think they have 'first dibs' on their ex and that she's more important to him than you - and he's enjoying playing on that.

Thanks for all the different input. Some really different opinions and advice, some feeing that I’m controlling and I need to back off. Others who think that it’s an issue. I guess it depends on what different people can tolerate and what other peoples experiences are.
I think I need to primarily look after myself and baby, tolerate what I can and if it becomes a toxic environment make a decision at that point.

I've been on both sides of this, my ex used to message his daughters mum moaning about me if we ever had an argument which I really disproved of, she was basically sat back knowing the ins and outs of my shitty relationship.

I am now on the other side as my now partner has teenage children with his ex, they were together for 15 years. His children are rubbish at replying to him, therefor he'll often text their mum to ask how they are ext. They go to parents evenings ect together.
My ex (my sons dad) and me message daily also, although our son is only two, we speak about our son, nursery, his behaviour ext. yes sometimes we do speak about things other than him if it comes up in conversation but nothing deemed as inappropriate.

Like others have said if you feel loved, and your relationship is otherwise happy I wouldn't worry.

I am an XW who is amicable with my ex. If it wasn't for details like your pregnancy I'd wonder if she was me.

Ex has lent money to me (and I've paid him back). He knows that the money will benefit the kids so has always stumped up.

I don't drunk text him but we speak sometimes and our texts aren't just about the kids- there's a lot of Game of Thrones ones recently. I have no idea if his gf watches it or knows we discussed our respective theories and so on. There are no romantic feelings on either side. We went from enemies after finding out about his affair to friends 6 years later. He wouldn't know deeply personal stuff about me now but knows surface stuff like I plan a trip to B&Q this weekend- the sort of stuff that I'd share with a work colleague.

I think you're unreasonable to be pissed off about the chatty messages (unless he spends whole evenings texting or something) but the financial stuff is well out of order. Things are only going to get tighter when you're on maternity leave so it's critical that you have a grip on finances.