Confused - am I the unreasonable one?

[cretagus]

Name change as have family on here and I'm going to be a bit vague about some stuff just in case.

I'm completely confused......part of me wants to walk away and the other bit says stay and it's all my fault.

Bit of background, married 20 years, 2 kids in their teens. I am an aspire which can really cloud my judgement and I genuinely don't know if it's all me. Also think I'm peri menopausal which isn't helping. This might be long so buckle up!

I think I'm being gaslighted, dhs swears he's told me things and I swear he hasn't. He's now got me doubting myself as to wether I just wasn't listening when he told me something. He is married to his work, long hours for little money (nature of the industry) but won't entertain changing his job. I'm a stay at home mum who helps out with the business when required with a small (10hrs per week) part time job elsewhere.

He does nothing for the kids apart from the odd pick up from the bus. When I do ask him to drop one of the dc somewhere he's invariably late (over a hour!) to collect them meaning they get to sports etc late which pisses the coaches off (can't say I blame them!)

He has conversations in his head then truly believes he has had them with me when I've heard nothing and gets stroppy cos I don't know what's he's on about.

Last night was the last straw. He told me he was fed up with the house being a tip. Agreed it was but I had been away all weekend with the kids and the youth group I volunteer with. He was at home on his own and the dishes were still in the sink from fridays tea. His comment was that he's fed up with me "sitting on my arse all day"

I feel like I'm drowning. I get little or no help from him. Dc are great and do chores if asked but I feel like it's all on my shoulders. He thinks as he works long hours he shouldn't have to do anything in the house but he sits down in the evening long before I do.

I'm at the stage I'm finding it hard being in the same room as him. I go to bed before him and pretend to be asleep when he comes up. I make sure I'm up in the morning before he's awake so I don't run the risk of him trying to cuddle up to me.

Is our marriage dead? Or do I need HRT? Is it me? Am I depressed? I'm so unhappy at the minute and so bloody confused. I fantasise about leaving him but financially that is impossible.

Thankyou if you've got this far

You don't need HRT. You need to LTB.

He sounds awful. Maybe you are peri-menopausal, it certainly made my tolerance level for bullshit to go out the window.
Your husband sounds lazy, useless, and abusive.
I don't have any advice for how you get out of the situation you are in but your judgement sounds bang on.
Best of luck.

No you don’t need HRT.

You need a H who isn’t a horrible arse. If I were you I’d be telling him he needs to go to couples counselling or it’s over.

My H is a workaholic. He still finds time to be an attentive and supportive husband, a brilliant father and do regular jobs around the house. If he didn’t, we wouldn’t be married anymore.

He needs to do his fair share at home.

If you are faking sleep to avoid him, I would consider leaving. If it were me, I might make one last attempt to get him to contribute, just so I felt like I tried the best I could.

Could there be an ow? It's just the part where you said he swears he has told you things/convos. I found my dp was doing this too. Then later on, found exits of ow he was seeing at work. It appeared he was telling her stuff and was getting us both confused of what he'd told us both!

Goto your GP,get HRT then you will be in a better position to LTB.
My ex used to do this,insisting that he'd told me things that he hadn't,saying I never listened.If I hadn't been doing a job where remembering what is said is very important then I might have believed him as it is he still made me doubt myself.
You are already detaching by avoiding Hindi yes,time to go before he said all your confidence.

It’s definitely not you it’s him. To do nothing in the house while you were away with your DCs and youth group is lazy in the extreme. You would be happier & have more energy without him. Get legal advice re finances to start with

Well, he does work long hours from what you yourself have said.

You are also a stay at home mum with teenage kids - they aren't small children anymore so aren't anywhere near as hard work as babies, toddlers, infants.

So maybe having the house clean isn't too much to ask? You aren't going out to work.

Having said all that - I do agree that couples should be a team and a partnership and should try and share the 'jobs' as much as possible.

Perhaps he feels he's doing a lot already by paying all the bills - somebody has to.

crestar
Did you miss the part where the op said that she had been away for the weekend?
Op, it's really not on that he just left everything for you to come back to.