Don't know if I can get past this

[Stressedmummyof4]

Hey,

So been with dp for 17 years, have a 15 yr age gap between us he is older.

We have three dc and an angel baby a few years back. One of my dc is sen and can be very full on at times.

I found out three weeks ago that I was expecting again, not planned. Initially I was shocked but secretly excited.

My dp was dead against the idea, had loads of reasons and to be fair I could see his point in a lot of them but my heart was telling me I wanted the baby.

We argued, reasoned argued some more. In the end I booked a consultation for a termination as a 'just in case I changed my mind'.

I became angry with him, that he was wanting me to terminate, wanting me to go through with that when he can see how much I love being a mum.

The Friday night before last I started spotting and by Saturday afternoon I was experiencing contractions and heavy bleeding i seen a doctor and was sent home with cocodamol for the pain, on Sunday I delivered my baby at home on my own.

I called EPAU on Monday morning and was told to come in on Tuesday. I was scanned and bloods taken it confirmed what I thought I had to sign papers for my baby to be sent to pathology to be examined and then to be cremated and scattered in a cemetery under a remembrance tree.

I have been back twice now for bloods to ensure my levels are dropping, which they are.

I have this overwhelming anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness. But the anger is getting me the most, it is towards dp.

I feel like I am consumed by sadness and grief. That I am unable to share, we didn't tell anyone so I lie here in our bed alone sobbing and no one else knows why. I feel like I am struggling to cope with my children and becoming short tempered and I know it's not their fault. I have had to tell them mummy isn't feeling too well just now and she is sorry for shouting and being upset.

I feel so let down. But I also have guilt, huge guilt that I lost my very much wanted baby because I booked that bloody consultation. I wanted my baby with every bone in my body and now I feel so empty.

The last time I went through a mc we leant in each other. That was many years ago this time I can't even look at him, I leave a room when he walks in. Will this get any better? Will I come to terms with this? I need to become the strong mum I know I am for my kids just now and not this sobbing angry mess.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It has to be hard being unable to share your grief. And I can definitely see why you're so angry with your partner.

Please stop thinking that you caused the miscarriage because you didn't. Not in any way. You're feeling guilt but from what you've said I think you only made the appointment to appease him. I don't believe you would ever have gone through with it; if you search your heart you know this as well. If this had happened to a friend, what would you tell them?

As for getting past his behaviour. TBH it will be hard. Do you think there were any underlying reasons he didn't want you to be pregnant again? How did he handle the previous loss?

Just because you hadn't told anyone IRL doesn't mean you can't. It might help to tell someone; finding a support group could be useful. Maybe some counseling.

Whatever happens, please be kind and gentle to yourself. Making an appointment to get information did not cause you to lose the baby. And for that matter, your partner's behavior didn't either. (Doesn't mean he's not a jetk, though.)

💜

I am so sorry Stressedmummyof4. I have been where you are. After a mc, it feels as though your whole body is sad. I think it takes time to move beyond that, first physically and then, very slowly, emotionally. It's understandable that you feel unsupported right now, but you will feel stronger and come to terms with your feelings eventually. You didn't cause this, of course, but for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be. You need time and to be kind to yourself. I will think of you this evening. x

I'm sorry for your loss too, but it wasn't your fault you miscarried ... and nor was it your husband's. Opposed to the pregnancy he may have been - and not without reason it seems - but he didn't cause this. These things just happen, and laying guilt at anyone's door will not be healthy for your marriage.

So much anger, and it's so justified because this is shitty and unfair. I'm not surprised you have rage and sadness and grief.

It's not your fault. It's not your husband's fault. It's just horrible and there is no reason for it. So sorry for your loss. Try to forgive yourself and your husband.

Thanks everyone for your messages, I know in my heart I was never going through with a termination, please do not think I have anything against anyone who does, but I know it wasn't for me, from the minute I saw that blue line I wanted my baby.

My first mc was just after we had our first dc, he was there for everything all appointments the scan to show I had mc. This time though he's been really distant. I ended up telling my mum because I didn't want to go to the hospital on my own but couldn't bear for him to come with me. Silly thing is I'm guessing he is being distant because he probably doesn't know what to do, I can't even bear to look at him.

After my last dc I ended up back in hospital very unwell, they wouldn't even let me have the baby back in with me. Sepsis was discussed at one point. So I think this has also scared him.

I feel absolutely exhausted too, think I might try doctor today see if I could have my blood levels checked. I feel both mentally and physically drained.

That may be your answer then. The earlier miscarriage, and especially the worry over your health has possibly caused him to fear another pregnancy. And now this has happened. Which may reinforce that fear. He could be having mixed emotions/guilt about the loss of this baby and his behavior beforehand.

Grief counseling is often offered free and I'd think it would help you deal with the loss as well as with your feelings about your husband.

I'm sorry I jumped so quickly to say I didn't know if I could get past it. Reading it again I realized that he could be hurting or dealing with his own fears as well.

Be kind and gentle to yourself, and if you feel you can, to your husband. For you, as much as anything.

I hope you feel better soon. 💜

It is because of him you got pregnant in the first place and then he pressured you to terminate, which you did not want to do. You have every right to be angry at him. Perhaps it's better to express your anger, because he needs to know.

What is he doing in the ways of birthcontrol? Does he use a condom? Did he get a vasectomy if he is sure he wants no more children or is he leaving it all up to you?

Years ago before kids were even on our agenda I fell pregnant with my ex, we’d been together 11 years at that point. I was in two minds but deep down I wanted to keep the baby and had a scan and a consultation. I decided against it, saw the heart beat and couldn’t do it. He wasn’t so pleased about it.

At 12 weeks I miscarried and I was devastated. He was shit about it and didn’t attend any appointments or accompany me when I had a d and c.

I went on to have two wonderful healthy boys with him. We separated 2 and a half years ago. I don’t think I ever really forgave him for not understanding me properly and i had a huge amount of guilt as I had considered a termination.

Don’t beat yourself up, you didn’t cause the miscarriage by considering a termination. Be kind to yourself, my hormones were crazy for a while. Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss but booking an appointment doesn't cause miscarriages and neither does not wanting a baby. You know this, so try to forgive your husband. He didn't actually do anything wrong and neither did you... or just wasn't meant to be. Don't hurt the people you love because you're hurting, it doesn't do any good, love x

Oh op how terribly sad. I am very sorry for your loss.

The situation is very complicated, as are your feelings. Book some counselling for you and your husband and try to work it out. It will be tough but worth it.

Sorry for your loss.

Been there, in a different way. (Warning, this is slightly graphic. May cause offense). Planned pregnancy. DH and I very excited. 12 weeks came and went (I hadn't had a scan because the hospital was so backed up). I was so excited about reaching 12 weeks (and therefore thinking the pregnancy was safe) that I went out and bought Easter cards for all the family, so that we could hide scan photos in them. (Scan was booked for a few days before our Easter gathering). Then I started bleeding. GP told me to wait and see but it was obviously a MC because it was heavy bleeding. Ended up in A&E because the pain was dreadful (worse than labour) and the blood loss was making me faint. DH was very level headed. He was attentive, but showed no emotion as we waited for a specialist to come and see us. Anyway, the specialist took 5 hours to come and there were no nurses around, so I ended up miscarrying in a hospital toilet. I saw it come out. (Have to think of it as an "it". Sorry.) It was horrific and frightening and so final, that I panicked and put what I'd passed in the sanitary bin along with the pad I'd been wearing. Then I realised what I'd done and went and told my DH. He just asked if I was OK. Didn't say anything else. When we got home hours later, he took himself into the study and did a full day's work. I could hear him on conference calls. He sounded fine, whilst I was distraught, blaming it on myself for jinxing things by buying those cards before I'd had my scan. I was wracked with guilt for using the sanitary bin, and he left me so he could work.

I didn't want to attend the Easter gathering because I no longer had good news to share. DH wanted to go. Refused to go without me, so I had to go and smile and pretend to be fine, even though the MC was only days before. And like you, we hadn't told anyone, so I felt awful and had no one to talk to. And it was him that put me through the extra pain by insisting that we go.

For weeks, I hated DH. I started to look for somewhere else to live because I thought we needed a divorce, but then I realised it was just my grief, and his grief, and that although the way he handled things hurt me, he behaved that way because it was his way of coping. And that whilst I was hurting, no one could stop me from hurting but him.

Give yourself time. Give him time. And cry and hug him if you need to, even if you can't stand him right now. It's OK to hate him whilst needing him, and if you let him be there for you he might open up.

Evening ladies, just thought I'd have a catch up. I read all of your comments and took everything on board. I've came to peace with myself and know I didn't cause the mc. I still feel so sad it happened.

I decided I needed to give my relationship another go. We have had a weekend away last week for the bank holiday. Nothing special a quick caravan getaway.

We are on speaking terms again and able to be in the same room have conversations. Which is much more settled for the kids sake.

However, we are rubbing along and we feel like strangers if that makes sense? I feel like I'm sharing a home with a friend. We haven't hugged or kisses or even brushed off each other in over a month now. In all honesty it all feels really quite awkward.

I can only hope that in the next few week that things change. But I have to be honest and say I doubt it, I feel like this whole situation has made us grow far apart.

On the plus side again I'm feeling as peace with myself and not as angry with everyone, which has got to be a move in the right direction. Thank you all again!

You're still grieving. Give yourself time. ❤️

Maybe talk to The Samaritans OP?

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
It might help to physically talk to someone about how you are feeling, until you can talk to your partner.