Is my boyfriend a dick?

[CountryBumpkin12]

So I’ve had a really rough time (sudden bereavement), trauma blah. I took the plunge and went for first therapy session despite being apprehensive (it felt like tree hugging) sorry if that sounds judgemental I’ve just been a crack on with it type.

Anyway, I was dreading it, it was fab, really good, text boyfriend on the way home saying as much. (He knew I was apprehensive)

I come home, didn’t get as much as a look up from the computer game. I feel so angry at him. I’m now sulking and He’s just said ‘I said I’m sorry what more do you want’

Please help me calm down.

What more do you want?

Going on the information you've provided, it's impossible to say. I do wonder, though, if he worries about how much you'll be talking about him? Dunno. Just guessing.

The issues are nothing to do with us so I don’t think he’s the slightest bit worried about me talking about him. I think he just doesn’t think or doesn’t give a shit. I’m hoping it the former. Sorry for the rant!

Regardless of you doing something out of the ordinary like going to therapy... the bare minimum one should expect when getting home from work is for the other person to lift their gaze from the PlayStation and ask “how was your day?”.

And yeah a PP has probably hit the nail on the head - maybe he’s worrying that during this therapy you’ll suddenly see the light with regards to how generally shit he is as a boyfriend.

I’m curious as to what you were hoping for or expecting him to do?

I’d be pissed off too. He sounds very disconnected from you.

You've still not said what you want him to do. Is there a bigger problem with communication between you?

I guess what I was hoping for was ‘how did it go, do you want to talk’ or just offer me a glass of wine?

I said last night I was anxious about it. But maybe, judging on the replies I was expecting too much?

What more do you want? You’d already told him how it went.

Maybe he feels it’s between you and the therapist.

Maybe he will ask you later. Maybe he was unsure about asking you in case you didn’t want to talk to him about it.

Good luck with therapy, it helped me tremendously.

It's not that you're expecting too much, it's that you need to be clearer. For many people the last thing they want to do after therapy is talk.

In life you cannot rely on others to say the things you want to hear like how was the session etc.

Regards your boyfriend this situation does not directly effect him so he won't feel the need to ask how it went. Unfortunately this is the way the majority of men are programmed whereas you would of wanted to know how the session went.

Good luck 💐

I guess after the very recent sudden, traumatic death of my Mother he would have perhaps seemed a little more interested. But you are all right, if I don’t say what I want I can’t expect more thanks for your comments! It’s great to have another perspective x

Wow I really disagree with PPs that you’re expecting too much! You all must have really low standards if you think it’s okay for your partner to not even look up from their game when you’ve come home from something they know you’d been dreading! That isn’t my idea of a partnership anyway. Although maybe my view of normality is skewed because my DH would never be so neglectful of my emotional needs and always likes to hear about my day no matter what’s been happening. I don’t mean that to come across as smug, it’s probably just his personality. But yes I would certainly be hurt if this was me. Even more so if I got defensiveness instead of a proper apology.

And I’m very sorry for your loss OP

@CountryBumpkin12

I'm so sorry about your mum you poor poor thing.

FWIW I can't see how expecting him to look away from his game and at minimum say "you ok?" Is too much to ask, it doesn't seem to me like something he should need to be told to say.

I don't know why but I think men get away with the excuse of "I didn't know what to say" when really he must know you want a hug and some affection at the moment. Making you feel less shit should be more important than a bit of awkwardness for him if he's maybe uncomfortable with people crying etc.

Is there a friend or someone else in your family you can get a big hug from and have a cry if you need to?

Sending you virtual hugs!

I agree with Peaches ^

He could at least have paused his game and expect you might want a chat. Can't believe some of the responses tbh.

I guess after the very recent sudden, traumatic death of my Mother he >would have perhaps seemed a little more interested.

was he interested during, after the crisis? perhaps he feels redundant as you've a therapist now. maybe he feels like he has already failed you since you've turned elsewhere for help.

you need to know what you actually want and expect from both your therapist and him and he needs to be told what you want from him.

In his mind maybe texting about it on the way home was talking about it with you, and he didn’t see why you’d want to go over the same thing twice?

Therapy is an incredibly personal experience.

My guess is that he didn't want to come across as nosey and demand you tell him all about it, when you may not want to, but feel put on the spot if he asked.

On the other hand, your OP sounds so dismissive of it, maybe he thought you just didn't give a shit about it.

I think the phrase "get off your computer game you massive man child" would be my first response.

I actually cited my exHs constant gaming as being one of the grounds for divorce. He sounds like he's more into his game than you and yes you definitely should expect more support from him.

I'd take the fuse out of the plug of his games console for a bit. But I'm quite devious like that

He sounds like a rude dick to me.
Can't be bothered to look up from his game to give you a simple greeting.

Depends on how someone expects to be treated but that would not be ok to me.

Not quizzing you is one thing, not greeting you is completely different.

The sudden death of a parent can literally take your breath away for many many months as you try to absorb what it means.

Mind yourself OP, you are on a tough path at the moment.

I'm with you OP. The very least he could have done was ask you how it went. A bit thoughtless tbh.

I’m sorry if I seem dismissive, I’ve been brought up as certain way and work in a very male dominated corporate world where feelings are just not talked about (often joked about) so it’s probably partly my fault. Having to deal with such a shock and influx of emotions has (as one person stated) taken my breath away and I’m struggling (hence the help).

I didnt want a deep and meaningful necessarily, just a hug and a ‘I’m glad it went well’ would have been a start, I’d expect that as a minimum on a normal work day.

I guess I’ve made a rod for my own back by being quite closed off when taking about things recently. Hopefully this is something I will get better at over time with help.

I appreciate all your comments and kind words. It’s a tough gig at the moment x