Why am I so anxious about this?

[Lavenderlover1]

Hi - I’ve posted about this on here before but it’s been a while and my feelings have flared up again. I have been with DP for 6 years. We were seeing each other for a couple of months before having a conversation about exclusivity and during that time I’m very ashamed to say that I had sex with 2 other men. I was only 20 at the time and still at uni - at the time I did sleep around a lot and drank stupid amounts, and both encounters were meaningless. Doesn’t make it right but I know others were doing the same, ‘seeing’ people but sleeping with others, although many of these never turned into real relationships - in my case, it did. I have never told DP about this and I don’t know why but it’s all sort of come back recently as feelings of intense shame and guilt. I know I didn’t ‘owe’ him anything then but I still feel like a horrible, unworthy person who isn’t deserving of him, even though I’ve never slept with anyone since, have been sober for 2 years, and really do feel myself to be a different person. Has anyone else ever been in this boat? I get triggered when watching a soap for example and a character mentions an affair (Sharon and Keanu storyline in Eastenders) even though I know it’s a totally different situation

I posted before and somebody on here told me that I was living a lie now and that’s really been playing on my mind since

But if you hadn't had the conversation about being exclusive at that point I don't think you have anything to worry about?

It's interesting that you're still using this as a stick to beat yourself with years later though; would some individual counselling help you unpick what's going on?

I don't think the 'living a lie' comment was particularly helpful and I don't agree with it to be honest.

Why have you posted 2 threads on this?

I genuinely don’t understand what the problem is? You weren’t exclusive. You hadn’t defined the relationship and decided to be exclusive partners. You were dating and both free to date others unless you decided to be together.

Has he ever asked you whether you slept with anyone else since meeting him? If so, and you lied, than yes that was wrong to lie. But there’s no reason for you to volunteer that info unless asked.

You don’t know what he was up to at that time either, for all you know he was sleeping with other women, after all he had every right to! You were dating not partners.

Why is this bothering you now? I honestly wouldn’t even think to query my partner’s actions in the period between meeting me and discussing where we were going and agreeing to be exclusive.

I had sex with 2 other men.

Eh? Why on earth would you be anxious about this?