Handhold please, going no contact

[handheldneeded87]

I moved out from my abusive ex, but kept some line of contact as I was scared about him turning nasty and stalking me (his past tactics with ex partners). It's not doing my mental health any good with manipulation etc by having contact. I have blocked him and I feel so low. I miss him terribly and still love him, because despite the abuse he could be lovely and very kind. He's very messed up and I know the facts that he can't change and need to strength not to make contact with him, so I can finally move on with my life. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

I feel like I could have written this OP!

I haven't blocked mine yet, he struggles with alcohol/drug abuse and is very nasty to me, but then when he's sober he's the loveliest person.

I have no advice for you, but a hand hold!

@confusedanddone it really is so hard, but I have to do this for myself now. It's really damaging me so much. I have MH problems anyway and this is making it so much worse.

First of all, you are amazingly brave for walking out of such a situation!

Most importantly, you made a great decision. I understand you feel low as you are sad to be losing the good bits and it sometimes makes you forget the bad ones. Truth is, no amount of good behaviour will ever outweigh the bad one.

You deserve so much more better, you deserve happiness de peace. You are strong and you are worthy of someone who loves you and appreciates you.

I am here if you need a chat or someone to help you during this time. I’ve been through it and I fully understand.

@bangersetmash thank you so much for your kind words. I feel rock bottom right now and I need to start rebuilding my life again without him so I can heal from the abuse. What helped you stay strong through it all? Any good books, youtube channels?

I found out quite healing to go outside. I was not allowed out much by my ex and for me that was my escape and my distraction.

I joined the gym and I took up cooking classes as it kept me busy and I got to meet new people. This also made me very interested in cooking/baking and YouTube did turn into my best friend! I would try new recipes and share it with friends and family.

For me it was very good to be around people and distract myself by socialising. I also changed my phone number and got s new email address to make sure whatever contact he tried would not even reach me.

Sorry for all the typos and weird words in the middle of my sentences. I seem to have autocorrect on while using mumsnet though I don’t in other apps.

Hope you get my idea though!

Yes that's very helpful. I struggle to do much, as I'm in a refuge with no family or friends around to hep me with the children. I feeling very isolated and have been trying to distract myself. I'll have to try some walks with the children.

You just need to put yourself in the right mentality. If you want a change, you’ll achieve a change.

You and your children deserve so much better, find as much distraction as you can. Write a list of all the bad things he ever said or did to you and when you feel low or miss him, go back and read them and remind yourself why you walked away in the first place.

I have written a short list, I think i'll add to it and keep going over it. I just don't get how I know someone is abusive and caused me pain, but I also miss them. What the hell is wrong with me!?

It's because you no longer know what a sense of normality is, and you're going to take time to get used to it. There is a better future out there, you're on the right path to it. Just be kind to yourself and make slow steps towards change. You've got this

Nothing is wrong with you, you are a good person and I believe that’s how we work. We tend to try and excuse people for their shitty behaviour because we love the idea of them, we enjoy these little bits of happiness they’ve brought into our lives but you walked away for a reason and you need to always remind yourself this

Freedom programme

Also list out the reasons you need to stay away

Sounds like you may be tempted to go back to him?? Please don't
I say this because I have been there and made the mistake many times of going back :(

My hear wants to still go back, but my head is smarter and knows it's not happening. I started counselling yesterday and had my second session of freedom. I'm trying to stay strong and stay no contact, but it's very hard.

heart*