Am I strange wanting so much privacy?

[H2OH20Everywhere]

I'm a very private person as a rule. My father died when I was young, and, living in a small community, everyone knew about it, so I think that's where this has come from. I hate being the centre of gossip so don't talk about a lot of stuff with people, including my mum. Part of the other problem is she keeps wanting me to be close to my much older brother, who throws tantrums if he's not included in everything, so anything I tell my mother she has to tell him, as he's my brother. She's quite able to keep his secrets from me if necessary, which is fine with me.

So, due to all this I'm very guarded, but about other people's news not just my own. So I won't talk about problems with DP to people who know him as that's not fair IMO. He's quite happily telling all and sundry about my attempts to fall pregnant, which I'm not too thrilled with (I hate the idea of people wondering if this month is the month, for example) but that's not too bad.

Bearing this in mind, though, it surprises me that twice my mother has rung to tell me people I know have had miscarriages. I'm not particularly close to either of them (one, I haven't seen for 20 years), and I tend to think that if they'd want me to know they'd tell me themselves. Ok, so the first, from last year, was public knowledge in as much as her parents put her on their church prayer list (which is how my mother knew something was amiss) but the second, this weekend, wasn't. Her mother told mine in conversation, and mine immediately rang me to 'let me know'.

Am I alone in thinking this is inappropriate? I'd hate to be the subject of such gosssip, and as such she won't be finding out I'm pregnant (if I ever am) until after the 12 week scan.

Is it me who is 'strange' about this?

If you’re strange then I’m strange because I’m exactly like you! And my mum seems quite like hours!

No not strange at all. dB will tell anybody everything, no matter how private. DM not quite so bad, but it really gets me cross

I’m exactly like you so not strange at all!

No, you're not strange. I had to be guarded with what I told my own husband, as he would often relay things to his own DPs, who would happily gossip any news to other relatives. I'm a very private person and didn't want all and sundry knowing my business, so I just learned to keep things to myself.

I'm really private, too. My mother told me once about a childhood friend of mine - she'd bumped into the girl's mum - she said that my friend had had such bad tears during labour that she was fecally incontinent. What the mother thought she was doing sharing that information with my mum I don't know, and why my mum thought it was any of my business I don't know either. I've never told my mum anything private since - it's pretty obvious she will share anything with anyone.

I’m the same as you OP. I sometimes have to remind my DP before we go out that I don’t want friends to know something, not even really personal, I just don’t want him ‘telling’ everyone stuff about me. My DM on the other hand was like PP she would ask people anything and tell me all sorts of things! I remember once her telling me about my cousin having her third child and how she and my aunt had discussed whether or not my cousin should be sterilised at the same time as her c section! She was slightly put out when I reminded her that 1. It’s my cousins body and she can decide and 2. It’s none of her business in any way. .

I don't think you're strange either. I would be careful what I'd tell her too.

Same here. I grew up hearing DM talking about me (and others) and getting the facts wrong. I hated being the topic of conversation and knowing also it wasn't right in the first place! I hated people talking about me and not being able to choose what I tell people.

But what really brought it home was when I told DM about a difficult day I'd had, helping a dfriend in trouble leave her 'd'h. For months (in fact years) after I was questioned about the situation and what was happening etc and then being told friend x asked after my dfriend (insert any personal question here!) but friend x had never met dfriend!

So now, I'm very careful about what I say, to everyone!

Wait, your mum rang to tell you someone you barely know and haven’t seen much of for two decades had a miscarriage?

She sounds a horrible nasty gossip. Who spreads someone else’s news like that to someone who is totally unrelated to the situation?

I assume you responded with ‘mum, why the hell are you telling me this!?’

I’d be careful what I told her. You know she has no discretion.

Thanks everyone! It was one of those situations where other people are so very different I really was starting to think I was wrong. I am very, very limited with what I tell my mother, and quite often anything I tell her is perfaced by 'Please don't tell anyone else this but...' which usually elicits one of two responses. Either, 'How could you think I'd tell anyone?' (um.....past history????) or 'But I have to tell X, he's your brother!' (true, but it's none of his business).

I know she hates the fact I don't tell her much, yet she wonders why. She noticed I'd had a mole removed and I could tell she was upset I hadn't told her about it.

And yes, EmeraldRubyShark - that's exactly what happened. She kept trying to justify it, by saying how close we used to be (we weren't) and she thought I'd want to know, and I can see her take on it, but I still don't believe it's any of my business. I'd feel similarly if the roles (mine and 'friend') were reversed.

I know she hates the fact I don't tell her much, yet she wonders why. She noticed I'd had a mole removed and I could tell she was upset I hadn't told her about it.

That’s so messed up. It’s almost like she believes that because she gave birth to you you belong to her and she has the right to know everything about you. No boundaries.

Put her on an information diet.

I'm the same as you. I don't tell anybody anything. People tell me all their secrets because they know I will never repeat them to anybody so I know everything about all my friends and colleagues.

My mother is a terrible gossip, I would never tell her anything. She announced in front of the whole family and a couple of our then boyfriends that her friend was worried because she had lumps on her vagina. Whenever she asks anything about me, I tell her she'll know when I'm happy to announce it to the world.

I'm always wary of gossips. If they'll talk about others without regard for their reputation and dignity, they'll talk about you in the same manner.

Very like you op, and found my mother very invasive, and very generous with her opinions until I left home. She is a bit tricky, and takes a prurient interest in others.
She felt that she owned me, I wish I’d rebelled more.
But I tell her very little, she doesn’t know me. the trouble is she is now 80 , alone, having alienated everyone else and has started relying on me.

The good side of all this is that i work with people who are traumatised and my confidentially is utterly watertight. My clients get how much they can trust me.