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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can this be saved

7 replies

Doughnuts88 · 20/05/2019 11:07

My 5 year relationship with my fiance ended in April (engaged late last year and venue all booked), we have lived together for 4 years and recently bought somewhere.
He became distant in the last few weeks and it got to the point i almost walked out a week or so before we broke up but he convinced me to stay. The night we broke up we had a massive row where he said i didnt love him enough, we argued too much and i was not happy. A couple days later we met up and he said he didnt want to try at the relationship because he had been trying for months. He said he had had concerns but didnt want to leave for my sake. But he then said it was because i loved him too much and he needed to be alone but knew this would mean he was miserable for a long time. He admitted he had got close to someone at work and felt that spark that he felt we were missing which made him doubt us and listen to his concerns. This person is married and he does not want to be with them. Since we broke up hes been a mess. Its like i broke up with him! He has been very touchy when we are together and got really upset when he knew i was throwing things away ready for the eventual house sale. He has said he will always love me and find me attractive and that he was happy right until the end. When i ask for more of an explanation he can't give me one. I have told him we cant see each other or talk unless its about the house (going strong for 2 weeks) and he was distraught at this. He has said he thinks it is too soon to sell but will do it for me.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 20/05/2019 11:10

No, it can't be saved. He's being cruel, both to you and himself, with his wishy washy behaviour. You need a clean break. Whatever crisis he's going through, he's got to go through it himself. And, I suspect he had greater feelings for the person he got close to at work, then he wants to admit to you, and maybe even to himself.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2019 11:17

You are doing all the right things OP.
If he can have his turned before you are married, it won't get any better.
Well done on setting your boundaries.
Don't be hoovered back in.
You know this is the best thing for you.

Waterfallz · 20/05/2019 11:23

He admitted he had got close to someone at work that is all you need to know.
You don't need more explanation, you have your answer.
I am really sorry he's messing you about but please keep no contact and accept you can do a whole lot better x

Doughnuts88 · 20/05/2019 11:24

I think the thing i am struggling with most is him not wanting to try when i genuinely believe he still has feelings for me. I know he wouldnt put us through this unless he thought it was the best thing but he only proposed recently and was so happy when he did. Im his first anything and he doesnt have anyone in his life he can talk to about his feelings. All the things he raised as issues seem so trivial and i see now things we could have both done better to make this work. I know i sound crazy. I just cant believe it is really over.

OP posts:
Missbee90 · 20/05/2019 11:31

The question you need to ask yourself is could you let this person back in your life and 100% trust them? If the answer isn’t yes then the relationship won’t work.

I was in a very similar position to you 10 months ago, together 11 years and married 1 when he turned round and said he didn’t love me anymore and had been having doubts for months. My ex didn’t want me to proceed with divorce incase he “changed his mind”.. sounds like your ex doesn’t want the house to be sold incase he decides the same.

Well done on setting your boundaries, the key to a good relationship is communication, he sounds very much like my ex in the sense of he was “happy until the very end” but failed to give you any idea of his feelings.. we also nearly broke up a few weeks before he left me but he begged me to stay and also claimed he didn’t feel loved enough.. do you notice it’s all about THEM?

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a rough road but my good days now outweigh the bad but the only thing which has helped me move on is no contact, I bought him out of the property and filed for divorce within 3 months, it sounds like you’re protecting yourself and setting contact limitations which is the right thing to do.

I am so sorry you’re going through this, feel free to message me if you need someone to talk too, I know when this happens you can have all the friends and family in the world but still feel so very alone x

Missbee90 · 20/05/2019 11:33

You don’t sound crazy, I could’ve wrote every single post you’re writing. I still to this day have no idea what really happened and why my marriage ended but I’ve come to the point where I’ve given myself closure, much like you I was his first everything.. he emailed me last week saying how amazing I was and how he was blind to how much I loved him blah blah .. but he’s currently on holiday with his new girlfriend. Look up emotionally unavailable men.. how old is he out of interest? Mine had just turned 30.
Sending you love x

Doughnuts88 · 20/05/2019 11:47

Thank you everyone. He had just turned 31 and was not ok about it. At first I thought all this was him having a breakdown but he has not looked back. I'm hoping with the house going on the market soon that will assist in the closure.

OP posts:
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