Basically I’m definitely not a mum, but I’m looking for abit of advice if anyone has a minute or two spare.
So basically, around a year ago I found out my mother had lung cancer, she lived in the Midlands, I live in London. I’m a chef of 15 years, been running lots of restaurants across the country. When I found out about my mother’s illness with a week I quit my job and sank into deep depression/shut down emotionally. I couldn’t move their at the time (she had a lot of people around her anyway and I naively thought she would be okay, my mum told me to stay in London for my career and my wife also wanted to stay in London) she’s American we fell deeply in love and have been married for 3 years and in relationship for 5.
I decided that I would go back and cook her healthy vegan meals every 2 weeks or so to try and fight the cancer so that’s what I did, my wife agreed to be the breadwinner for a while. I would spend 15 hours in my mums home kitchen every few weeks making healthy meals she could freeze and that would last until my next visit.
Unfortunately the lung cancer spread to the brain, she had surgery in September of last year to remove it, we all thought it was going to be okay. Well the surgery agrivated the tumour (a spec of it was left behind) and by mid October had doubled in size. She unfortunately slipped into a coma so I had to go back and that’s what I did I moved back and we home cared for her. Water through a syringe, sat next to her bed 24hours a day, my wife came back to help every weekend. On the 28th of December the invetiable happened and I held my mother’s hand (age 51) and watched her take her last breath on this earth something that will stick in my mind forever. She was my world, my dad left when I was 3 so she was both my mother and father. A big loss...
In January I stayed around helped plan the funeral, she eventually got buried on the 25th of January. Then I came back to London, my mum left me over 200k which is currently in the probate stage, something I was going to use to set up my own pop up restaurant around healthy eating, something named after her.
Although I have cheffed for a long time and love cooking and being creative one thing I don’t miss is the culture, late nights, drinking, cocaine abuse, eating late if at all (unbalanced lifestyle) due to the nature of the industry hence I held back jumping straight back in, I have an addictive personality and decided I will use the money instead under my terms still doing what I love but with a more balanced life.
That is and was the plan, in late February my grandma had a heart attack so I went back and spent some time with her in Somerset. I came back to London and could tell my wife was distant almost offish not the same happy woman I married. I let it carry on then around 3 weeks ago I just had an inkling due to some major signs and told her one morning I know everything someone told me what has been going on but I can’t name who (obviously not true) more of a trick. She confirmed everything that morning that she was having an emotional affair and had hooked up twice with some coworker, not a friend but someone I have met before and invited into my house. 24 year old guy, lost his dad, I listened to his story and sat with him for hours one night ages ago.
She told me it all started in January, he told her I was lucky to have her and she felt “weird” she said she broke it off when I came back but has confusing feelings towards him... part of the reason she moved jobs recently.
I told her that if she deletes his number we can figure it all out, I love the woman to bits. My mother told me before she died she feels okay leaving me knowing I have someone like that by my side. My wife’s natural reaction was I can’t give up a two year friendship, which left me thinking your happy to give up a 5 year relationship though after everything. She eventually agreed but we decided to take a break within 3 days she told me that we should break up. Which obviously broke my heart even further...
We have spoke every day since via text met up twice she says I’m like family and we should hang out every 2 weeks do something fun. She said that she loves me but not in a romantic way anymore but wants me in her life forever and if we were to get back together I need to reignite that spark or do something different to make her fall back in love that way?
I’m not sure what is going on at this stage but I’m sat in a flat alone in London thinking what the actual F*, I’m currently living off my savings waiting for my inheritance to drop. I might goto Australia for abit (I have a couple good friends out there) or I may just get my business plan down.
The problem is the last three weeks I’ve spent listening to music smashing coke, drinking and wallowing in self pity and it’s hard to find any motivation to get better right now. I have been to my doctors and been put on a waiting list for therapy something maybe 10 years in the making.
I’m currently 31 years old and feel abit confused almost lost... anyone got any ideas? What should I do continue to see her try reignite the passion tell her to stay out my life? I do love her deeply more than I’ve loved any woman but It’s all been abit crazy and I’m a lost soul.