Need some advice around porn

[StrugglingOn13]

Didn’t really know how to word the thread title better. I’ll try keep it short if I can

Was just getting ready to go to sleep tonight and OH comes in panicking as he thinks he’s accidentally signed up for a porn website whole other thread on internet safety

I didn’t know he’d been watching porn and it’s really hurt my feelings. I have felt like our sex life has been lacking recently and we have talked about it, and he said that some medication that he is on has reduced his sex drive, and that the problem wasn’t between us and we both agreed to take more time each other.

I guess I feel like I am the problem now I feel so insecure and horrible about myself, like I’m just not attractive or good enough. If he can get excited about a woman on a screen when his partner is just a few feet away how can it not be me?

I know some people don’t have issues with porn in a relationship and I don’t really either, I’m just upset with how it’s made me feel and the circumstance around how I found out. I do have low self esteem and never feel good enough so maybe I’m being a little sensitive

I don’t really know what advice I’m even asking for, I just feel heartbroken and low about myself and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation?

Op these threads usually get hijacked into a pro/ anti argument, so I'll preempt all the shit you'll likely be told.

Firstly to be clear, it's ok for men to masturbate, all men do, and it's not ok to try restrict that.

However, if you have a problem with him using porn in your relationship then you have every right to feel upset, let down, etc. No one on mn can tell you porn is cool and to get over it, because porn, in general is not ok, it's very harmful to men that use it, to the wives they use it in favour of, to the women used to make the porn, and there are very little arguments in its favour.

If you are unhappy about his porn use, tell him. Decide whether it's something you can get used to, or not, but be upfront about your feelings and your expectations. If he's not addicted he should be able to choose you, your feelings and relationship before porn, and it shouldn't be that big a sacrifice.
Tell him you won't tolerate him lying about his use, now he knows it upsets you as this is very common.
In Summary, if you don't want it in your relationship you don't have to put up with it, regardless of what others here will tell you.

@Sadiesnakes

Very well said

Is there anything you enjoy in the erotica department? Is it possible to meet him half-way and find some erotica you both can enjoy as a couple? Or maybe find ways to add spice into the bedroom? I tried this to kick things up a bit and it helped. Just a suggestion that worked for me really.

Thanks @Sadiesnakes what you said really makes sense, and just to be clear I do think masturbation is completely normal and I have no problems with it (we both do it). It was more the porn aspect and knowing it would hurt me but still doing it anyway

Bring honestly, we do have a varied sex life that we’re both happy with when it happens, it’s just over the last few months it’s tailed off with work and time pressure. That’s why we agreed to make more time with each other a priority

Thanks for the advice, I don’t have anyone in RL to discuss this with and it feels like I’ve been able to get it off my chest

I'm inclined to agree with sadiessnakes on this, I've no objection to masturbation but I object strongly to porn for the exploitation side of it
It's OK to not be ok with it.
My ExH watched shitloads and
A it changed how he behaved in bed
B I lost respect for his extremely poor judgement (not wiping history, using shared devices etc)
C I hated that he enjoyed looking at women like meat

Firstly to be clear, it's ok for men to masturbate, all men do, and it's not ok to try restrict that

um the op didnt mention any problem with masturbation, did she?

im wondering why you think she did?

I've written on this before, but the Anti-Depressants (I assume) have decreased his libido, masturbation (with porn) becomes a lot easier than sex with another person, no matter how attractive they are. The more pressure he feels the worse this becomes.

@Scott72 I totally agree, which is why we talked about it with no pressure and with complete understanding from both sides. There’s isn’t any pressure as I’ve been on medication before that has left me with zero libido so i do understand. The reason I’m hurt is because it made me feel like I’m the problem and that I’m not good enough, he also said he knew upset me which made it feel like I was being lied to and not being thought of properly and equally in a relationship like you should. But thank you for the point of view of that it’s easier it does make sense

Why was he panicking? He panics and runs in to tell you that he thinks he's signed up to something you don't like...

That's not a normal reaction. He seems to be pre empting a shit storm from you because he thinks you're watching his every move and he's going to get caught watching something you disapprove of. If that's the case the problem is the controlling, abusive relationship he's in, not porn.

*Why was he panicking? He panics and runs in to tell you that he thinks he's signed up to something you don't like...

That's not a normal reaction. He seems to be pre empting a shit storm from you because he thinks you're watching his every move and he's going to get caught watching something you disapprove of. If that's the case the problem is the controlling, abusive relationship he's in, not porn.*

Wow! That's a lot of assumptions into so little information.

If he is on medication that has reduced his sex drive then his desire for porn should also be reduced so there is something not quite right here. Many guys look at porn, this is not in itself a major issue, it is only a problem if they come to prefer porn to the real thing. As a guy I find it hard to see how anyone could get to that point but obviously it does happen, though I suspect it is not as common as media stories make out. Try not to seem to be blaming him for the problem and maybe suggest he can try to satisfy you with methods which do not need him to be aroused? This can in itself be an erotic experience and should help him feel better about himself.

You are not the problem. Trust me. If you were able to have a very honest conversation about his porn use and he told you the truth, you’d be shocked I’m sure.

The issue is not that he’s watching porn or masturbating, neither of which need to be a problem in themselves. But when a partner is choosing porn and masturbation over sex with a partner, and making excuses about low libido when doing so, that is a problem.

There’s enough evidence that excessive porn use actually causes a reduction in libido and interest in partnered sex, alongside erectile dysfunction and delayed ejacuiation. So if he truly does have a low libido (which I doubt - I’ve been there and the last thing I wanted to do was watch anything sexual or masturbate) then porn will only exacerbate that.

If his libido is limited, he should be prioritising physical intimacy with you. If his libido is completely gone (been there too), he wouldn’t be wanking to porn in the first place.

Using porn when you otherwise have a healthy sexual relationship is one thing - this is something else.

I’d encourage him to have a look at the Reddit group NoFap, if he’s serious about wanting to deal with the difficulties you’re facing in your relationship.