Difficult Mum with dementia, dealing with family members

[sadlesbian44]

I'm really struggling with family dynamics and would appreciate some advice. I'm in a same-sex relationship with my lovely partner, but my parents were horribly homophobic. They rejected me entirely when I finally came out to them at 40, and were horrible to DP. Dad died three years ago, and since then Mum has gone rapidly downhill with multiple health problems including dementia. DP and I have been, by default, her only support for the last two years. For the first 18 months she lived an hour and half's drive away from us, until after various crises we arranged for her to go into a good residential care home in our town, because we were the only ones stepping up when things went wrong.

When she lived at home, DM was in close weekly contact with her sister, her SIL and their families, who all lived nearby. My 40 year old brother was living with her on and off when it suited him, for months, with her doing all his washing and cooking and not charging him any board. Since she became ill, he's had nothing to do with her. He hasn't visited her, ignored her recent 80th birthday, and doesn't reply to my emails. He's not been in touch now for around a year.

Meanwhile, the extended family have similarly left DP and me to it. In the last year, her nieces have visited her once, her sister not at all. Her SIL (my aunt) and her son and DIL have also visited once. This weekend, SIL & family all came to a festival in our town, down the road from mum's care home, and tonight I got a breezy text from my aunt saying she hoped she might have run into me and DP there, but it was very busy. They only let us know they had come after they had left.

I just feel devastated. Looking after DM is hard work: she lurches from one health crisis to another, and has just come out of two weeks in hospital. DP and I were daily visitors, and her only visitors. I have had no support from any of my family, and they have all been close to my parents in the past, and to me. All I get from them is the occasional text, which feels like them checking up that I'm fulfilling my daughterly responsibilities.

What should I do? DP Is my only support in all this, and that feels so sad and so unfair.

Can't go into exact details as it's too outing but I've been in a similar situation before and an identical one is on my horizon. First time round I was well and truly sucked in and couldn't see the wood for the trees. I tolerated a lot of shitty behaviour. This time round I'm only prepared to give what suits me, nothing more. I'm much happier. As an example when your family text if you feel they're checking up on you just delete the message and don't respond. If you're feeling tired with all the visits cut back and be vocal about how you've been treated. Anyone asks why you've cut back be blunt, you'd been rejected when you needed them and what goes around comes around.

Sadly you can’t force relatives to visit your mum. I think it’s really bad form of your brother not to be in your mum’s life. Do you feel burnt out? Do you need to cut back your own visits?

spunda like you need to cut back your visits! I’m sure you and DP need some time together, time to focus on work etc.
You can’t force others to do more, and they are wrong, assuming your parents didn’t act towards them the way you say they did towards you?
Don’t feel bad for not being superwomen for somebody who probably made your life quite difficult over the years through ignorance and hatred x

Sorry for the typo! Sounds like you need to cut back your visits! That was meant to be x

Gosh OP this all sounds very familiar and I think it probably happens in a lot of families where there is dementia. IME the daughter(s) take on the burden of caring and the sons just visit, often accompanied by "It's just too upsetting to see him/her like this". Often it seems like family members have basically written off the person with dementia as already dead and just waiting for the funeral. (Maybe they are the healthy ones? who knows)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time but I don't have a magic wand. I do have and though

Like previous posters have said this is sadly very common. From my experience you need to accept the lack of care and support from other family. Don't respond to their enquiries. You do not owe them any explanation or updates. Secondly try and protect your own wellbeing by limiting your involvement with your mum. Trust she is being cared for and reduce your visits. There seems to be this strange phenomena where when you have been rejected by a parent you end up seeking their approval by becoming responsible for them. You are already doing way more than your mum deserves.

Sadly many people don't visit family or friends with dementia. Perhaps they are embarrassed dealing with someone who may behave erratically, don't know what to say, are upset to see the changes? I know how hurtful this is and I'm not trying to excuse their behaviour.
You need to look after yourself, don't feel guilted into doing too much. Don't feel you have to answer texts and directly ask people to visit your mum, if you think it would benefit her/you.
I'm sorry your parents were so unkind to you and DP. It must be hard to never have had an apology for that.

Thanks so much for these lovely and sensible replies, which have made me feel better. My aunt and cousins coming to our small town this weekend and not getting in touch until after they left has really felt like a wake-up call. I was wondering whether to call my aunt out on it, but I think limiting interaction and any expectations from now on is probably for the best. I had hoped for some family support through this—especially since my aunts and cousins are all aware of how difficult things were with my parents when I came out, and were supportive then. Thank you all again.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.