Telling children parent is leaving

[helen1122]

Hi, I wonder if anyone can offer insight or advice please?

My husband and I are separating. He is due to move out in 2-3wks and we haven’t told our daughter yet.

I think we should tell her and within a couple of days he should move out, he thinks a week or 2 would be more sensible to let it sink in before he goes. She is 12.

I know that whenever we tell her it is not going to be easy, however, I don’t think it’s fair that everyday she will be on countdown for him to go.

For anyone that has been through similar how did you handle telling your children and the other parent leaving please?

Many thanks for any replies.

Difficult situation OP. I can see it from both perspectives he wants to be there to support her and help you deal with any fall out but I can see how having too long a lead time could be confusing and cause more pain.

You both know your daughter best. Can you come to a compromise of a week?

I think to soften the blow if he could bring her to show her where he's now going to be living, it might help her not knowing where he's going - she can picture him somewhere else.

She could also maybe help him decorate, maybe pick out a duvet cover or paint colour or something.

We told our children together about a week before my ex left, once he had a house sorted so we could be specific about exactly where he would be and that the children would be able to see him there. It definitely helped that we could communicate a specific plan to them

.... and I think a week was about right, it felt better than telling than and then daddy was gone straight away. I helped him move on DDay and then we collected the kids together after school and all went over to his new flat

We sat ours down all together and explained not going to lie it was worst day ever and we all cried. I’d agree with husband as then you can show them you can function together still to support them. Good luck

I was twelve when my dad left us (me, sister aged ten and brother, eight). He picked me up from school, which was odd in itself as normally my mum did. On the way home, he pulled over in a lay-by (I remember it all so vividly) and told me he was going to live somewhere else. And then he started crying!

It totally threw me, and — to my adult shame — I actually blamed my mum for a while. I thought she must’ve done something wrong...until he came home and then left again to be with another woman! Then we all hated him. He went and came back five or six times over four years; their divorce was going through when he returned for the last time (unexpectedly on Christmas Day ffs).

I’d say tell them together. Present as united a front as you can — that way you might be able to avoid the blame-game and confusion that we suffered. It’ll be sad, and there’s no way it’ll be easy for anyone, but I think the more you’re honest as a “team” the better.

Postscript — my mum and dad stayed together after that last time. 46 years this year! She deserves a feckin medal 🙄

Is a countdown such a bad thing if it helps her get used to the idea?
My daughter was 6, so a lot younger. I was the one moving out.
I already told my STBXH before we told her, that I would base my move out date on her reaction, and if it took several months - so be it. (he hasn’t bought me out of the house at that point so he didn’t have a choice, but he did agree)
As it happens, she wanted to see the new house immediately and wanted to camp there (inflatable bed!) immediately. She was 6 though.
I think it’s awful when kids get told news like this and then it’s implemented straight away.
If you were moving house and schools because of a new job, you wouldn’t wait until a week before to avoid a countdown, you’d give them time to prepare.

When me and ex split, we knew he couldn't move out straight away because he didn't take my conversations previously seriously and had nothing saved. We knew we were talking about 6 months of living together after the spilt. Originally the plan was to not tell the DCs until nearer the time but give them a little while.to get used to.it. But I felt like we were lying to them as I'd already filed for divorce and they kept asking where we were going on holiday etc. We told them 6 months before the planned leaving time. We're nearly 5 months into it. It's bloody hard work tbh. But it has given them time to get used to the idea. Although them seeing their dad upset and how its affecting him is making them worse and apparently he can't always hide it from them.

My only advice is to assure the child that their behaviour won’t affect anything.

Thank you for the replies. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. He feels that we should tell her together, how can I hide my upset from her and not make her even more upset iykwim.

You can be stoic for a half hour surely?

You’re the grown up, so you keep your emotions in check.
I think it’s better to tell her together.
It’s OK to show a 12yo that you’re upset.
As long as you don’t make her feel it is one person’s fault, she needs to understand you’re upset because neither of her parents wanted this to happen, but agree that it should. Also, do NOT rely on her for emotional support.
So it’s fine to cry, and tell her you’re sad.
It’s not OK to weep and wail and seek a cuddle from her to comfort you rather than her.

Excellent post @Ellisandra

I know it's hard not to feel hurt and in pain but for the sake of your child, you have to. Do not put all this shit on her.

It's your problem as 2 adults. You need to make the transition easy for her. That means putting your feelings aside.

I'm the daughter of a separation and my DM tried every trick in the book to turn me against my father. It fucked me up and I attempted suicide.

Thank you for the replies. I have no plans to try and turn she against him or weep and wail. He is a very good father and our separation won’t change that. Obviously im hurt and upset about our separation and ultimately I don’t want her to see how upset I am. She needs time to adjust herself never mind to worry about me. It’s just hard to bite your bottom lip and stop the tears from flowing when something hurts this much.