The girl he used to like

[sunshineandcloud]

So I feel quite silly writing this but the truth is my stomach is in knots and I'm feeling really low, so wanted to ask for your thoughts.

I'm in a new relationship (6 months). My new BF is the most lovely person; kind, loving, supportive, and very into me. He tells me he loves me, and more importantly, shows me he loves me all every day. I felt like I'd hit the jackpot.

When we first started dating we had those chats most people do about past relationships. Nothing out of the ordinary in what he said; a few long term relationships, just like me. However he told me about this girl that he is friends with that he developed strong feeling for, about four months before we met. He told me how he thought that he was in love with her but, the feeling wasn't reciprocated (he never told her how he felt but a friend of this girl told him that she didn't see him like that so he never told her). When he told me I was a little bit jealous but appreciate everyone has a past so let it go from my mind.

Last week there was an event which usually my BF and this girl would go to each year. My BF said he wasn't going to the first part of the event and, I took this to mean he wasn't going as he didn't want me to feel unsettled by him spending time with this girl (I couldn't go due to other commitments). I didn't say anything, I was just flattered he considered my feelings.

Anyway, the day before the evening part of this event he told me that she was going to be there. He said he hadn't know what to say and that's why he didn't mention it earlier; that he didn't want it to be an issue or for me to feel worried. For some reason the pit of my stomach flipped and I was really jealous/nervous. I tried to hide it but in classic girl style I went rather quiet for the rest of the day and said "I'm fine" a lot, which as we all know means the opposite.

Anyway, off he went to the evening part of this event.

For contextual background my BF is the type of guy that if he knows I'm worried about something or feeling insecure he will do everything he can to make sure I know I'm loved and have nothing to worry about.

So, he is at the event and he text me a few times about silly random stuff but not once did he say anything along the lines of "yes she is here but you have nothing to worry about". I felt sick. It got to near midnight and I had worked myself into such a state I called him.

I told him honestly how uncomfortable I felt because I know him so well I know that usually he would have reassured me and the fact that he hadn't really concerned me. He said that he was sorry and that he should have text me to say that and that he knows if the situation was revered that I would have reassured him.
We then had a really lovely chat about how much he loves me and is so happy with me; that yes he was in love with the fantasy of this girl but the reality of her never matched up to what he had built her up to in his head. That I'm amazing and he has never felt like he does for me for anyone else.

I said to him "do you still fancy her" and there was a longer than perfect pause. He then said ".........not really, no".
Not the best of answers.

something in the pit of my stomach tells me that I have something to worry about. It's not her; as far as I know she has no interest in him, but what worries me is my BFs feelings for her.

If anything it's lust (his words when describing how he felt for her) but I don't want my partner to be lusting after another woman. I know it's normal to be attracted to other people even when you are in a relationship, but what bothers me is that he was infatuated with her, obviously is still physically attracted to her (just doesn't want to say as much as it would hurt me), and is in a friendship group where they will see each other at this event every six months (and is friends with her on social media etc etc).

How would everyone else be feeling. Am I overreacting? Am I being stupid. I want to think I am but I just feel so uneasy. It's shown me just how much I like him, and now I feel very vulnerable.

Any advice/thoughts welcome.

X

Difficult to really know but based on what you've said I'd suggest he still has feelings for her. Not something you can turn off with a flick of the switch, although wouldn't life be sunshine and roses if you could?

I don't think your over reacting, you're still in a new relationship and if I were in your shoes I'd be concerned. Really, if he knew how you felt he should have been either more considerate or cancelled. Still he's with you, she's apparently not into him. So long as he does genuinely love you and continues to demonstrate it.

I know exactly where you are coming from, OP...
Only for me this is further in the past. And he was into the fantasy of the woman for a bit longer...
If I think back - what bothered me back then was the thought that if she reciprocated - you and him wouldn’t have been together...
But it comes from insecurity, and as time progresses and if your relationship develops and deepens - it gets better. Unless you make it into some obsession and then it’ll destroy it.
If I were you - just take a breath and not worry about it. Let the relationship grow.

@maximumcarnage and @Josuk thank you both so much for your thoughtful replies. I'm going to try my best to not turn it into a massive issue and let it destroy the great relationships are building on. We have spoken about it today and he couldn't have said more to reassure me; I'm just insecure and jealous that he is attracted to her; something I have no control over. I've just got to trust. It's so hard though isn't it x

You’ve only been going out with him for 6 months, yet you can already say that he’s the kind of guy to reassure and tell you that he loves you when you’re feeling insecure. That suggests that you have a general problem with insecurity, so maybe work on that?

You say two different things in your post - firstly, that he liked her but it wasn’t reciprocal. No big deal. But then you say he was infatuated. That’s a pretty strong word, and if you actually mean it - then yes, I’d be concerned.

You sound like you're really making something out of nothing here, and that it could drive a wedge if you continue. I'd say it would be good if you could go to a social event with him where you could meet her and get to know her, get the ghost out of your head. He sounds like an honest bloke who really likes you. What was he supposed to say, he was on a lose lose - if he said he didn't think she was attractive you'd think he was lying, and if he said she was attractive you'd think he still fancied her. No wonder he paused! He sounds like he's done all he can to reassure you. Either you can deal with him having this friend or you can't..

I don’t think you’re over reacting. He clearly feels something for her. However I suspect it’s “ the one that got away” syndrome. He never had a relationship with her and in some ways it’s harder to come to terms with the what might have beens.

In your shoes I’d make sure I was very busy and independent. Not at all needy.You don’t want him sitting on the sofa with you every night, wondering if he’s settling. He needs to feel that he’s lucky to have you and that longer term you’re the one that could replace him, should you want to, rather than the other way round.

Men generally do still fancy women if they once found her attractive, even if they hate her I think they can still fancy her.

For women it tends to be ugh I can't believe I fancied him, and her and her friends gag any time any mention of an ex or ex crush comes up.

So the point I should have made there is that you shouldn't really ask that question, because if they answer honestly it will be yes.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem a bit.

Seeking reassurance only helps you feel better for a very short time; it isn't a long term solution to the problem. It's also hard work for the person who has to be reassuring you.

Feeling sick because your partner had texted you repeatedly (he was probably scared to mention this other woman in case it upset you) is not a typical or helpful reaction. Work on feeling better in yourself first, worry about what other people are thinking later.

I was where you are when I first got together with dh, only worse in a way because I knew her too. You just have to give it time and his feelings will fade to nothing. It takes a while to get over these things and there is a big difference between having the residue of feelings and actually wanting to be with someone. He’s trying and that’s important. Nothing will make things worse than drama and insecurity. Nothing.

Give it time op. He is not pursuing time alone with her. He doesn't see her that often. There is nothing growing between them. His small interest in her will diminish to nothing.

I don’t think this is a huge deal.

I think you should go along next time and meet her yourself.

I was the other girl in a similar situation, my best male friend of over a decade turned out to have been harbouring feelings for me the entire time. It was such a shock as I genuinely had no idea. From what he said it seemed he didn’t particularly fancy me in an animal way, we’d been friends so long we were like family, it was more that he kinda idealised me? And would fantasise about being partners and what it’d be like, and compare all of his girlfriends and potential girlfriends to me in a ‘how could anyone compare to Emerald’ kinda way. It came out when he met someone and it was looking serious and he realised for his and her sake he needed to cut contact with me for a while to see whether his feelings for me diminished and his feelings for her had time and space go grow without the mental competition.

We cut contact for over a year and a half and when he felt ready he got back in touch. He had always been honest with his partner about me and she knew I had absolutely no interest. We dealt with it when we met again after the break by all meeting up: me and my boyfriend at the time and him and his girlfriend. Everyone knew the score and somehow it went really well and since then we’ve been back to being great friends with no drama. I think he’ll always have some part of him that sees me as more than just a friend but he says it’s manageable and bringing it into the light helped a lot as he got to hear me say there was absolutely no chance ever, which I think he did know deep down.

Since that time we’ve both split from our partners and met new serious ones and again, everything is above board, his and my partners know the history, we’ve all met up and she’s brilliant and perfect for him and seems totally accepting of our friendship. I feel very fortunate our friendship is able to continue (we’ve been friends seventeen years) as his family are like mine too.

Ultimately you’d probably not have as much of an issue with this if he’d dated her right? You seem okay with exes, it’s the fact he never did date her. It’s hard to accept the person you love had strong feelings for someone else. My OH had a similar thing with a girl before me and although I wouldn’t be too secure if they were actively close friends planning to meet up all the time it doesn’t bother me when they come across one another in a group, it’s water under the bridge and everyone has moved on and I know even though he was crazy about her he properly loves me as a partner, they never got to be boyfriend and girlfriend or in love or live together or plan a future like us. For all we know they could have got together and it crashed and burned quickly (she was the one who didn’t want him in the end after some mild dating).

Grown ups come with history and baggage. He’s only seeing her twice a year at an event. He’s with and in love with you. Be the chilled secure happy woman who knows he’s lucky to have you and knows he wouldn’t stray, don’t be the insecure nightmare that makes his life hell just because he doesn’t want to miss an event she’s at. You’ll just boost her importance in his mind and he’ll have to think about her more often and invest emotions and energy into avoiding her, you’ll just fan the flames. Take the approach of ‘that’s nice you stayed friendly, sure I’ll come to the event next time’ and be nice to her. You’ll find in person she’s not the threat you imagine her to be I’m sure.

I mean this kindly, but you do need to get a grip of your insecurity. It’s a massive turn off to have a partner who is jealous and needy, and you will drive a wedge into your relationship.

You can't control his past, nor what goes on in his head. You can't control them bumping into each other like this. You have to trust him and accept what he says, until he gives you reason not to.

Maybe it's me...but I would never tell a new BF I was so attracted or in love with another guy.

I can't think what possible good could come out of that.

Its bound to make you feel insecure and a bit jealous...it would also make me feel like his second choice if I'm being honest.

In that he's with you, because she wasn't interested.

I had a male friend back in my late teens, early twenties who I knew had feelings for me. I did not feel the same about him, so we remained friends.
He met a girl and had the bright idea of telling her about me and how he had felt about me. It did not go down well at all and she hated me. Her first words to me when she met me were:
“Well, you’re not as pretty as bob made you out to be”.
The thing was, she honestly needs my have worried. I liked him as a friend and knew his feelings for me would pass. I guessed that clearly he’d chosen to move on...as he’d gotten a girlfriend and I really would have liked to be her friend.
They are married now btw and very happy.

Your boyfriend probably paused because he didn’t want to lie to you. Of course he finds her attractive...that’s why he liked her in the first place. Should he lie and say ‘no’ or tell you yes and hurt you? Asking him puts him in a difficult position.

My advice - don’t be needy about this. Don’t let it bother you. As his feelings for you grow, they’ll continue to fade to nothing as far as she is concerned. He’s with you.

needn’t have worried

Autocorrect 😡

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all. He's not done anything wrong but it seems that he still idolises her. Some men prize a woman who won't have them over one who will. In your position I'd cool off and make it clear you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has unrequited attraction to someone else. Be kind but very clear. Until his crush on her has gone,

Then he'll either realise what he's in danger of losing and stop yearning after something that is only in his imagination or he'll let it drift with you because his mind is still elsewhere. But you must make it clear you don't accept being viewed as second best or consolation prize. You are the most desirable woman he knows or he loses you.

Oh god this makes me squirm. You have to keep this craziness to yourself, and work on letting it go. He's with you, says he loves you and more importantly shows it. That's enough. I'd lose a ton of respect for a partner who I had to text and reassure like that. If you keep dragging down on him like this he'll rightfully fuck off. Sorry if I've been super harsh but I do think you need to get a serious grip on this. Jealousy is very very unattractive.

*For contextual background my BF is the type of guy that if he knows I'm worried about something or feeling insecure he will do everything he can to make sure I know I'm loved and have nothing to worry about.

So, he is at the event and he text me a few times about silly random stuff but not once did he say anything along the lines of "yes she is here but you have nothing to worry about"*

It all seems a bit much for six months in.

What else has he had to talk you down from?

Why should he have text to say she's there and you have nothing to worry about? Would he have to do that any time she enters the room? Why would he need to say over and over you have nothing to worry about?

I think you may need to look inwardly as to why you are demanding this kind of constant reassurance.

Everybody has people who they've fancied in their lives.

But if you can't move past it to the point he doesn't have to text you to say she's there and you have nothing to worry about, perhaps you should move on from this relationship.

Are you like this in other relationships, or is it just with him?