Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What does he mean when he says this?

29 replies

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 16:07

Ive been seeing someone for just under a year and it's getting serious.Serious enough that he wants me to move in with him.
I'm possibly overthinking things, but I need to be absolutely sure he loves me before making such a big commitment.. When pressed, he usually says says he loves me, followed by
''You're my only chance at happiness and I'm going to take it''

Help me understand what's going through his head when he makes that statement? He's said it numerous times.
He's fairly good looking, sociable and has a kind personality, so I don't quite understand why he would think I am his only chance?

We're both mid 50s (if that helps)

OP posts:

Prisonbreak · 19/05/2019 16:11

I’d imagine your the only one he sees his future with and he doesn’t want to lose you? I don’t think it’s an insult. I think it’s a compliment. I’d be flattered

Moominfan · 19/05/2019 16:12

Pinning his hopes on you? Genuine nice compliment?

Ellisandra · 19/05/2019 16:12

No-one here can tell you.
And you can never be absolutely sure someone loves you, although you can feel pretty secure about it.

Why do you need to be certain to live with him? You don’t mention children and you sound of an age that any you might have cold be grown up? In which case, keep your place on, and give it a trial run.

Two things to think about...

why are you moving in with him? Why do you have the upheaval and maybe risk, not him?
think about what is it currently makes you not feel he loves you? Because alarm bells are ringing for you to have posted this!

gamerchick · 19/05/2019 16:15

Why don't you give it another year or so before moving in together OP. There's no rush is there?

PoorRichard · 19/05/2019 16:15

You don’t sound sure about him, OP. And you don’t have to move in with him at all, if you aren’t keen on the idea.

I think it’s a weird thing to say. I certainly wouldn’t want to be someone’s ‘only chance at happiness’. I’d be suggesting he works on being happy himself, then gets back to me. It’s not my job to fix/complete him.

Ellisandra · 19/05/2019 16:15

Also, what’s going on with the “when pressed”?
Why are you pressing him?

you have your own security issues? (see a therapist alone)
he loves you but doesn’t show it in a way that is meaningful for you? (do some work together on that)
he doesn’t make you feel loved and he’s actually not going to (walk away)

I would hate to be “pressed” to declare my love for someone!

Original poster

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 16:20

I don't press him to say he loves me. That was the wrong word to use.
He spontaneously says he loves me, but it's often followed by the 'my only chance at happiness comment'
I'm trying to understand what he means when he says that. I've asked, pressed? him to explain what he means by that, but he says he can't explain it.
that's why I thought I would ask on here.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 19/05/2019 16:27

OK, but like I said - no-one can tell you.
We don’t know him, and we’re not hearing it:

in context
with voice tone
with body language
with any knowledge of him

So you’re 4 factors up on us, and you don’t get it.

I think you should work out why it bothers you, and continue to talk to him.

And just don’t move in - you’re not comfortable with him yet, and why the rush?

Ellisandra · 19/05/2019 16:28

That said, I’m with @PoorRichard
It sounds a bit needy and pathetic to me.

SheepOnRafts · 19/05/2019 16:30

I get why it doesn’t sit well with you. Because to me that would sound like “You’re the best I’m going to get”. I’m not saying that’s what he means. I would ask him if this is what he means.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2019 16:33

Yes, that's what it would sound like to me!

But apart from that, how would living together work? Would you share finances? Do you currently rent or have a mortgage? What about him? Do either/both of you have children?

HollowTalk · 19/05/2019 16:34

You don't sound mad on him, tbh. If you don't see him for a few days, do you miss him?

cccameron · 19/05/2019 16:40

To me I would read that as:- I'm probably not going to meet someone else so I'm going to cling on to you, as if he was settling because it was easier. As others have said it's hard to know without knowing you both but I also think that for you to be having doubts this early in there must be something amiss

Original poster

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 16:41

how would living together work? Would you share finances? Do you currently rent or have a mortgage? What about him? Do either/both of you have children?

We would share finances. I rent, he owns his own property. We're both divorcees. I don't have children and his are grown up and both married.

He is better off financially than I am, that's why I don't understand the 'You're my only chance at happiness'' comments.
I haven't pushed to move in with him. It's all come from him.
We both love each other deeply, so it's not as if I'm not sure about my feelings for him.

and they say women are a mystery?

OP posts:

Original poster

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 16:42

You don't sound mad on him

but I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 16:45

but I also think that for you to be having doubts this early in there must be something amiss

I'm not having doubts and I know that he genuinely loves me as I do him. I would live in a cardboard box with him if I could.
I'm purely puzzled by the 'only chance' comments.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 19/05/2019 16:48

I would take it as He can’t see a future without you, and without you he would be unhappy... on his own and lonely. That’s what I would mean, but you sound like you think he’s ‘settling’ as in I’m getting to old to find someone so you are my only chance? I don’t think he would say it to you if it was option 2 iyswim, as it would be easier to just keep quiet

horizontalis · 19/05/2019 16:52

As long as he doesn't mean it as his last chance to get a live-in housekeeper / cook / cleaner you should be fine

Hecateh · 19/05/2019 16:57

My only chance at happiness because 'I love you and you are the best

My only chance at happiness because 'I'm x age so it's time I settled' or any other 'because' that suggests he is settling for less than the best.

category12 · 19/05/2019 17:05

It seems a bit of a dramatic statement. Is he prone to catastrophising?

Original poster

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 17:15

He's said a few times that he's worried I will eventually see the real him and it won't live up to my idealized view of him.

He has some very set routines which makes me wonder what living with him would be like. I get the feeling he's struggled with close relationships in the past owing to the fact that he's (his own words) a bit eccentric.
It's crossed my mind that he could be on the spectrum but has never been diagnosed.
Would that tie in with the 'my only chance at happiness' comments?

OP posts:

Original poster

likeamillpond · 19/05/2019 17:17

I've taken on board the comments and I don't think I will rush into anything.

I'll Possibly spend more time staying over and see how we get on, before making the final jump.

OP posts:

SheepOnRafts · 19/05/2019 17:20

Good plan

cccameron · 19/05/2019 17:22

Ah OK. So you think he has possibly driven people away in the past with this eccentric behaviour and he now thinks this is his last chance to not fuck up? Do you think he's scared he'll frighten you off?

Have you actually asked him what he means?

Motherof3feminists · 19/05/2019 17:33

So he's warning you away with his "real me" comments and pushing you away with his "only chance" comments. He's telling you who he is: listen.

At best he sounds like he's settling and letting you know that you're good enough (for now). I'd walk. Neither of you are madly in love and both are filled with doubts.

Don't be afraid to be alone for the right reasons rather than with someone for the wrong reasons.

Flip

1 2