Would you say these things to your child? is it abuse or am i being a drama queen?

[user6hty]

I've been thinking about my childhood recently, think because friends are having kids.

my parents told me I was a nightmare to bring up, more difficult than my younger sibling and that I nearly destroyed their marriage. I also apparently have knocked years off their life.

another thing I cant get out of my head is that when I was about 13 I was dancing in the living room to a song on MTV, copying the dance moves. my younger sibling was in the room. my mum came in and said "showing off again are we?" and switched it off. I was very shy around friends as a teenager and definitely wasn't one to show off. I don't know why I keep thinking about this but I felt so embarrassed.

there was never a lock on the bathroom door, either parent would walk in if they felt someone had been in the bath too long (I certainly don't think there was anything underhand to this or pervy, but it made me so uncomfortable as a teen). there was zero privacy.

often there was pulling hair, dragging around, smacking and kicking. this would happen mostly between ages of 6 to 10 when I remember I wouldn't go to bed and they must just have lost their temper, it cant have been easy.

I feel so angry about all this but on the surface I have had a hugely privileged life. I am so conflicted, how can I feel like this when I have had such a perfect upbringing compared with so many? am I looking for problems where there weren't any? I don't know why I am suddenly feeling all this.

What you are describing is a far from perfect upbringing. It sounds like your parents have consistently made you feel like you are trouble and not good enough. No child's behaviour warrants hitting, smacking or hair pulling. The walking in on you in the bathroom is a form of control, especially if you were a teenager, it's not nice at all. I don't really know how you go about unpacking this stuff, I'm sure someone with more knowledge will be along but you have every right to feel unhappy about how you were treated.

The first two I don’t think are abusive no, the hitting and kicking obviously is. We didn’t have a door on my bathroom as my brother would go in the bath and lock himself in for hours, meaning no one could use it so my mum replaced it with a curtain. I don’t think that’s abusive, on Aibu lots of people say they don’t have locks on their bathroom doors

I would suggest counselling to explore it more.

It sounds like they didn’t understand you at all and definitely made some bad choices.

Doesn’t sound like an easy upbringing, maybe you were difficult but dragging by hair sounds extreme! It’s important to explore more and talk it through as it maybe impacting you more than you realise.

thanks for the posts. I have noticed I am extremely territorial about my own space and independence (I know that isn't all bad), but I struggle to genuinely and properly rely on someone as a team. I am more than comfortable going beyond expectations to be there for someone else, but letting someone in properly is quite hard. I dont trust anyone really and I dont mean cheating, I just mean in general!

I definitely never felt understood or accepted and in fact still dont by my parents (though they would say that was utter rubbish), but as an adult I try and recognise that while everyone is different, that doesn't make anyone less worthy.

Do you have to think of your upbringing as either "perfect" or abusive? Maybe it was somewhere in between. Good in some ways, poor in others. Well worth thinking through the things you'd want to replicate if you had your own children and those you would do differently. Though also remember that parenting can test you and there aren't many of us who've never said something to a child in anger that we regret in the cold light of day. It's not good, but doesn't mean the good memories you also have are just an illusion.

I would definitely consider talking therapy op. It helped me enormously.

often there was pulling hair, dragging around, smacking and kicking.

None of that is normal. It isn't acceptable to "lose your temper" and physically abuse a little child (or anyone).

You are not a drama queen. Don't let anyone minimise it.

fireflies thanks, that is certainly true. there were some good parts definitely. I think i am struggling with feelings of anger that have almost come out of nowhere as i have thought about things as an adult. i was a deeply unhappy child and i know a lot of that would have been fixed with some simple conversation and respect from my parents. i cant recall either parent actually sitting down and talking anything through with me... it was as if i wasn't allowed to have a problem or have any feelings.

cushion i am due to start therapy next week xx

Sounds pretty normal for the 70's/80's around the council estate I grew up.
Just focus on the present and tomorrow.
No point fantasising about a not so perfect childhood.
You can't change it but you can choose not to be defined by it.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. You were abused as a child and that is all on them, not you. It is not your fault this happened to you. Do not let anyone minimise what happened to you for their own purposes.

BTW is your sister more favoured, it appears so.

You are wise to have therapy now before you have children; it is often when adults become parents themselves and realise that they would not treat their children as they have been and are treated. You may well have been provided for materially but emotionally your parents were and are bereft.

NAPAC are also worth having a chat with

You may also want to read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread too on these Relationships pages.

You need the Stately Homes thread my love.

All the above was normal for me - but I've since realised it was abusive as fuck.

my parents told me I was a nightmare to bring up, more difficult than my younger sibling and that I nearly destroyed their marriage. I also apparently have knocked years off their life.

Even if it was true, I'd never say it to them. Ever.

there was never a lock on the bathroom door, either parent would walk in if they felt someone had been in the bath too long (I certainly don't think there was anything underhand to this or pervy, but it made me so uncomfortable as a teen). there was zero privacy.

Totally Inappropriate - especially if it's the father. Disrespectful - you can and should give children some respect and privacy - anyone who has difficulty understanding that ... Something wrong with them. I wouldn't knowingly walk in upon a bathing/semi naked/naked child past ... 7 maybe.

often there was pulling hair, dragging around, smacking and kicking. this would happen mostly between ages of 6 to 10 when I remember I wouldn't go to bed and they must just have lost their temper, it cant have been easy.

That's disgusting. No excuse.

I also fail to see how smacking, kicking, dragging around etc makes a child more likely to settle down and sleep - it seems completely counter productive (because it winds up and upsets). That's aside from the fact that it's abuse of course.

'Showing off again' is a horrible thing to say to a child, destroying her self confidence. I don't think any of what you outlined in the OP is actually abusive, but it all would have worn away at your boundaries and self worth. Don't know what the answer is, but I can see why it weighs on your mind now.

Oops, forgot about the hair-pulling, which definitely WAS abusive.

The verbals you mentioned as definitely emotional abuse. I'm sorry you suffered in such a household. You can find loads of us who had dysfunctional childhoods on the "Stately Homes" thread (Relationships).

Oh how awful. I'm sorry OP but it sounds as if you have at least one but possibly two narc parents. You have my deepest sympathy.

You outline that you feel unresolved anger. Utterly normal, you are still coming to terms with your awful childhood.

I wouldn't be suprised if in a few weeks, the damn breaks so to speak and you'll finally achieve clarity.

Yes they sound abusive and manipulative. Sorry you went through this.