Should I end it?

[cds5163]

Should I end it with my partner because I don't see myself marrying him as a result of my own insecurities? I don't want to be stuck in a marriage thinking that he's cheating on me. I try not to disclose these feelings to him or let it effect our relationship but its in my mind constantly. I can't get over the fact he didn't tell me he was married, or that he still communicates with many exes. Even though I don't mention it anymore, I've tried to move on but it still breaks my heart a little if I think about it. I know that he truly is a good man and I feel like I don't even deserve him sometimes but I don't want to be his third wife. Can he even have a successful marriage after his first two have failed? I do recognize all the effort he puts into our relationship and I think that maybe our relationship is good just the way it is. I do think he deserves happiness and I'm not trying to punish him by not marrying him. I think we have a strong relationship that's worth something but my insecurities are getting the best of me.

Well you don't trust him, not because of something wrong with you, but because he lied about something pretty huge - still being married. I'm not sure why you're taking all the responsibility when he's already proved he's untrustworthy.

It shouldn't be this hard. Cut your losses.

Is the main reason you don't want to marry him because he's been married before?

Why exactly is that such a problem. Many people divorce and many go on to new relationships.

Keeping in touch with his exes isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means things likely didn't end on bad terms.

Have you had these insecurities before in previous relationships? I'd suggest therapy if you have as this will only crop up again and again.

Apologies, I read it that he didn't tell you he had been married before. If he was with you while still married, that is very different. He received you and his partner and explains your inability to trust him.

These aren't insecurities, this is on him. That's a fairly significant lie op and more then likely, no, you won't trust him again.
He's ruined this, not you.
I'd have no guilt or remorse walking away now.

First commenter has it: you don't trust him because he is untrustworthy. That is not insecurity, that is reality.

Thanks for the replies guys.
I guess I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't shown himself to be untrustworthy before that plus I really don't think his intentions were malicious. They were separated but we were together for almost 2 years and he should have told me.

I don't penalise him for being married or divorced. I just question if our marriage would work if his other marriages didn't. I get the impression the more times you get married the least likely they are to succeed. If he didn't put in the effort for his first two wives will he put in the effort to make it work with me when he says he would.

I guess that's where my insecurities come in to play. When he keeps in touch with these women, or talks to any women, I imagine him rekindling or creating a connection with them despite how he's told me he feels about them and me. I don't just want to be his third wife. I just want to know that he loves me more than them.

I guess I haven't been in much of a real serious relationship before this one so I don't think my trust issues are from anywhere else and I have seen a therapist but I got tired of talking about him, I felt pathetically obsessed. I just wanted to move on from it; but I guess by pretending, I didn't solve the problem.

Yes, he is untrustworthy. Why are you minimising the fact he failed to tell you he was still married for two years? That's no little omission.

And statistically, I think you're correct about second and third marriages.

Is marriage something you want?

Is there a big age gap between you? (If this is your first serious relationship, and he's been married twice already?)

As a general rule I think if you're asking the question the answer is yes. You don't trust him, with good reason. Those doubts will fester and cause mayhem with your mental health.

If he has DCs with the exes I understand the keeping in touch. If not, I would also wonder why he feels the need even if it’s innocent to maintain communication. I completely get the 2 previous marriages are on your mind. Is his messaging along the lines of: I made mistakes before and I know where I went wrong, now I found the love of my life?
I can understand you wanting to be more than just be wife #3.

My husband is on his third marriage with me (sounds pretty bad doesn't it!) HOWEVER he is now in his mid 40s, he married his first wife at 21 and they were together 10 years but drifted apart, second wife after nearly a decade went off with someone else. My husband is kind, loving, an amazing husband and didn't deserve his wife leaving him for another man but that is life.
I am his third wife and because I feel so loved and happy it doesn't bother me that I am number 3! Yes he's had a wedding three times BUT I just have to accept that (at 35) I am not going to have a squeaky clean virgin to marry (thank god!). My point is it's about how your relationship works with this man and if you feel happy, safe, excited and loved? It actually has no bearing on their past (or shouldn't).

I trust him implicitly , he is so loyal, honest and sweet and we have a solid relationship. His first two marriages are no reflection on us and do not worry me at all.

I get the impression the more times you get married the least likely they are to succeed absolutely agree for lots of ppl. Some ppl just can't do marriages HOWEVER there are exceptions and sometimes it's about meeting the right person.

From what I have read I would be feeling exactly the same if this was me. Your BF needs to step up especially since he has been married before, he almost needs to go out of his way to show how much he loves and cares for you. He isn't doing this. He might be a good man but does he make you feel anxious?

I guess I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't shown himself to be untrustworthy before that plus I really don't think his intentions were malicious. They were separated but we were together for almost 2 years and he should have told me.

Does he spin a good tale? Do you doubt yourself and then find he can talk you round?

No one can be sure about their reactions til it happens, but I would think that if someone with whom I was having a relationship failed to tell me he was already married, for two year, that would be it for me.

How could I ever trust them again ?

Trust your gut @cds5163

How old are you Cds?

I do think that a number of issues are in play here.
You do sound less than secure about him, or men in general?
You mention an issue when thinking about him communicating not only with exes, but with all women in general. And that - I think - is a very very difficult place to be.
Anyone you’ll be with will not live in an isolation and women will be around, always.
You also mention not having been in LT serious relationships. Is there a reason for that? Do you think it’s due to the same deeper insecurities?

In your place - i’d Put aside the question of his 3rd marriage. Unless it’s so urgent and he is pushing for it. Just see how the relationship is.
And - please - go back to couselling

Why on earth blame yourself when he's a liar???