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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ten years and gone

56 replies

wtfamigoingtodo · 19/05/2019 00:17

Can't believe I am actually writing this but after ten years and 3 kids, we're done.

Dp has decided to tell me today he never wanted kids, he is desperately unhappy and can't stand being with me.

Over the last few weeks he has really been on DC1's case about every single thing and I have been pointing this out to him asking him to be a tad more gentle and then today it for too much. He upset the 7year old and then to cheer him up decided to tickle him. 7 yo had had enough and asked DP to stop at which point DP said he wouldn't stop tickling until he made DC cry. I told DP to stop, DC was crying his eyes out at this point and admittedly, I told DP it was disgusting behaviour in front of DC.

Tonight, DP left. I asked him to come back because I wanted to make sure he was making the decision he wanted and not a knee jerk decision. DC1 in particular would be devastated to wake up and find him gone.
DP came back and has basically said he is bored of the mundanity of family life. Over the last few months he has had to pick up my slack and do the drop offs every morning because I was in the final months of pregnancy and had SPD and hyperemisis. I was working from home a lot and the drop offs were kind of on his way to work. We now have a newborn and for the last few weeks he has been getting up to do the breakfasts and we have been getting them ready for school and nursery together. Apparently he is fed up that this is all there is to his life...never mind I have actually been doing this for years and setting my alarm for 0430 to get everything done so I could also get to work on time.
He's gone on to call me every name under the sun whilst I was crying and asking him to stop. Not seeing anyway back from this. Guess I'm just asking for a bit of a handhold and to know everything will be ok

OP posts:
OhMyDarling · 19/05/2019 00:19

What an arse. Let him go, change the locks and buy a shit load of chocolate.
Fucking selfish arsehole.

OhMyDarling · 19/05/2019 00:20

This is not a relflectuon on you or the children.
This is all him.

OhMyDarling · 19/05/2019 00:21

*reflection

Aimily · 19/05/2019 00:24

As above, this is all on him, nothing to do with you. Clearly he can't pull his own weight with daily family life.

Take care of you and dcs, don't worry about him.

justasking111 · 19/05/2019 00:27

So sorry, OP what a crap thing to do to you. Men are so selfish and get worse with age unfortunately. Flowers

Original poster
wtfamigoingtodo · 19/05/2019 00:29

He's saying it is all me though. Realistically I know I have played a part, a relationship takes two people but I genuinely have tried so hard to be a good partner and mother.

He currently pus for the house and bills, I pay for all the food and clothes/treats for the kids as well as nursery for middle Dc, that is all my money gone, I can't afford anything else, don't know how we are going to live right now and dreading telling DC1.

I know it's over but I'm sad and ashamed I can't make it work

OP posts:
Original poster
wtfamigoingtodo · 19/05/2019 00:30

Thanks everyone I do appreciate the support. Currently feeding the 6 week old and trying to plan out how I can move forward

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 19/05/2019 00:30

Oh bad the poor precious man finally had his sleep and leisure time disturbed? Only took till the third child because you have clearly been working harder than he. He's a cunt, let him leave. He'll discover that when the kids are over for contact he has to do ALL of the work

OhMyDarling · 19/05/2019 00:33

Of course he’s trying to blame you, it’s what they all do in these situations. It’s to make him feel better, and it’s a better line to spin his mother/father/wider friends and family.
Hold your head high and concentrate on your babies. They are more resilient than you think, they will adapt, they will probably be much much happier.

Ferfeckssake · 19/05/2019 00:33

What an absolute cunt. How dare he speak to you like that . You have HIS new born child and he decides it is OK to do this.
I am sorry this is happening to you.You did nothing to deserve this.

1Raconteur · 19/05/2019 00:37

It sounds like he may be depressed and having some sort of break down / crisis. It can make people act very cruel as they feel so trapped by their emotions. It does sound like he is struggling to cope. What he has done to you is completely out of order but the revisionism of previous 10 years fits with depression and re-evaluating life through an emotionally compromised reality. Could this maybe be the real cause?

cheeseislife8 · 19/05/2019 00:39

As others have said, this is on him, not you. Instead of trying to talk to you and move forward he chose to name-call and blame. Sounds like you're well shot to be honest!

Original poster
wtfamigoingtodo · 19/05/2019 00:45

Raconteur - I have no idea. He is quite a closed book normally but on occasion if we have a big row he can be quite nasty with his words but tonight was horrible.

I know I'm the long run we will all be better off but I just don't know how to get through the short term with a new born and two different drop offs and pick ups. We have no one to help and being on maternity I have barely any spare cash. My head is all over the place. The things he has said to me have knocked me for 6 - that I've manipulated him into having kids and it's "convenient" my name is on the deeds- I gave every last penny I had for the deposit, yes he put down more but that is besides the point.

He's had a go at me saying I should have gone out and got a higher paying job after our first child was born - I've been part time the last 7 years, didn't really have any marketable skills until the last year due to a new role and been pregnant for 9 of those months!! He thinks I should pay half of everything whilst earning considerably less and doing most of the childcare

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 19/05/2019 00:51

He's not depressed. He's just another selfish arse who is having a temper tantrum for having to do a more fair share of the work. Poor poor him Hmm

He'll find out how cush he had it when he has to pay for another place all himself plus pay you CM and take care of the DC all by himself on his visit days.

Weenurse · 19/05/2019 00:56

Good luck 💐

Mummaofmytribe · 19/05/2019 00:57

You poor thing. How horrible of him to turn on you like that. I know it must be feeling like a disaster now, but you'll be so much better without him in the long run. He sees you as some kind of servant. Best wishes to you Flowers

hungryfortheinvisible · 19/05/2019 01:10

My XH did this. He'd been completely devoted to me and the perfect father to our first DC. Then DC2 came along and he couldn't cope. It took 7 months but then he said all the same things about wanting freedom and regretting having children. I found out he cheated on me - he said it was as a result of the way he felt, but who knows. He turned in to a person I didn't believe he could be. He hurt me and our DC, in ways I didn't think possible. I'm not saying it will be this bad for you. But this does happen. I don't know why and it doesn't make it ok. But you will be ok. As hard as it may be, focus on you and the DC and forget him as a factor. Lean on friends and family for support. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You will come through the other side and you and your children will be better for it.

MsDogLady · 19/05/2019 03:32

This despicable man abused your son by upsetting him and then tickling him until he cried. Even when the poor child begged him to stop, he wouldn’t. Monster.

Add that to his verbal and emotional abuse of you and his unwillingness to parent his own children, I’d say say good riddance.

MrsTeaspoon · 19/05/2019 05:09

Never feel ashamed!!! You have young children including a tiny baby - it is despicable of him to do this and then try and blame you. You will get by, contact government agencies immediately to start claiming what you are entitled to, don’t forget council tax etc, write a list as your head will be all over the place.
A decent man does not behave selfishly, they really don’t. Drop offs, breakfast routine, picking up some slack for heavily pregnant or recently post-partum partner is what any decent person does!!!!!
You can do this lovely, you really can. When my exH and I split I had young children and I’ve been a single parent to a tiny baby - it was actually a far nicer home for us all without his poor behaviour. He does not deserve you all.

Eslteacher06 · 19/05/2019 05:39

It does sound like he is depressed and struggling with the change in routine coupled with resentment built up over years. It's not your fault he has not talked about how he has felt earlier (or did he?).

This couldn't come at a worse time when you're dealing with your own emotions and changes. Try to be kind to yourself-you don't need to put up with this.

midsummabreak · 19/05/2019 05:57

There really is no excuse for nit picking and harassing DC1 just because he is not coping with your usual to- ing and fro-ing driving the DC while you recover from pregnancy, birth, and deal with a newborn How can he do this to his young children just because he is not feeling it. what sort of father did he have?

Original poster
wtfamigoingtodo · 19/05/2019 06:04

Thanks all for the kind words and support.

I knew he was feeling a bit run down by things, our middle child is not a great sleeper so he has been dealing with him in the night whilst I dealt with newborn. It's just everything is a chore for him. I got readmitted to hospital with baby for a few days after she was born and he got the hump when I asked him to come get me. I was 6 days post CS with a baby, buggy and massive bag of stuff. He says he never asks me to help him (bar the odd dry cleaning run he doesn't) and I should be doing things for myself. By "things" he has clarified school runs and arranging childcare when I have appointments so as not to interrupt his work routine. I had a LOT of appts in my pregnancy but like I said, we have no one it is just us so who else can I rely on to look after OUR kids?? Sorry I'm starting to rant it just feel so frustrated by him.

I think I'm upset he won't sit and talk rationally like a grown up, he has to go on the attack (with words) and turn it all around to me, it's draining trying to talk to him

OP posts:
Original poster
wtfamigoingtodo · 19/05/2019 06:05

I should say I just thought him feeling run down by things was the normal sleep deprived fug that comes with a newborn

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 19/05/2019 06:23

Why did you have a third when you were both struggling after the second child? The third child may have pushed him over the edge.

A lot of men do not enjoy family life. My sbeh was the same, I could had another child with him but knew I be doing all the work alone so said no.

Napssavelives · 19/05/2019 06:35

@wtfamigoingtodo my ex did the same to me when I was 17 weeks pregnant with dc3. Also have a 6 & 4 year old. I got the same line, he was bored, he didn’t love me like he used to, things have changed - he’d pretty much being living a lie.

Men always do try make it our fault to excuse their shitty behaviour. I know it’s horrible right now but you will get through this. I was a broken person at the beginning of the year but me and the kids really are ok and we are counting down to ds3 arrival in a few weeks. You will be ok.

Make a list of everything you need to do.
Single person discount for council tax.
Universal credit (if you have a child in childcare you’ll get help with childcare costs)
Child benefit if not all ready claiming.
CItizens advice were very helpful and helped me though this process.

Fill your fridge and freezer full of easy food for you and the kids and lean on those close to you. You will be ok.

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