Is finding love possible as a single mum of two?

[northnorth]

My 5 year abusive relationship came to an end before Christmas. I’ve moved out of my family home with my two children in February, this is something I never thought I’d have the courage to do.

Couple months on and everything is hitting home. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to miss my ex. I suspect, and his behaviour suggests, he is already in another relationship.

I feel the lowest at the weekend because my children are with him. I just feel desperately sad. I’m only 31 and I’m scared that I’ll be alone from now on.

How do I pick myself up? Will anyone ever want me again?

Xx

Lots of single mothers go on to have new relationships

Yes of course it’s possible.
Do you think that rather than missing your ex, your actually just missing being around another adult/in a relationship.
You are absolutely better off alone than in an abusive relationship. I’ve been where you are and was single for 4 years after my abusive relationship broke down. I’m now married, been with my husband for 8 years and my children are 13 and 15.
Definitely possible. Don’t lose heart, concentrate on you and your children for now

I’m so sorry you feel like this, I remember it well. I was single with two children, fighting a horrific court battle with my abusive ex when I met the love of my life. Sadly, I would have probably overlooked him before I met my ex because he is so calm and kind. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs.
Try and plan ahead to fill your weekends, not with a focus of finding a bloke but getting yourself strong and enjoying life again. You’ll start to look forward to your free time eventually. Maybe join a gym? A running club? Volunteering? A nice little Saturday job to pay for treats?

I separated from my partner of 10 years late last year, with two kids. I felt the same, I only really came around to the idea of meeting someone new when I was truly comfortable on my own, I absolutely adore my own space, Iv made my flat my haven and I relish child free time there ❤️ Iv recently started going out more and met someone, don't fear if someone wants to date my frumpy ass there's someone out there waiting for you

You can find love, but not while you’re still recovering from (and in love with) your ex. I have 3 DCs and my DP has 2, but we found each other! Don’t write off a happy future, but spend some time taking care of yourself first or you’re likely to end up in another shitty relationship.

I left my exdh when I was 31.

My dp has no DC. We took it very slow but now nearly 4 years later we live together and my DC love him and he loves them.

I've been where you are. Its agony and so scary. But you will be fine - honestly. This bit is just really difficult and you've got to give it time to pass.

The fear of pain is sometimes worse than the pain itself. What helped me was just accepting I would feel pain and not try to run away from it or fix it. Not sure if that will help you but that was my experience.

Sending you so much love! You've been so brave. I know how exhausting and awful this stage feels. My heart goes out to you x

Yes! Absolutely, I was 30 when I left my H after 14 years of absolute shit. I had been thinking about it for around 2 years prior so although hard to finally make the decision and take the DC (11 and 7) through that, it was absolutely the right decision.

I met my current DP only a few months after, it wasn't planned and just happened, he didn't bat an eyelid at me having 2 DC as he had two the same age, a year later things are great, still not living together and I love my time with him and the time we have with all the DC, as well as the time I have on my own.

You will get there OP, take time to heal and enjoy the time you have for you, things will work out for you

Thanks everyone. I’ve been telling myself that I’ll be okay. I need to believe it.

I’m completely surprised by my lack of confidence...I’ve felt bad before but never like this. Struggle to look in the mirror. So cliche but actually struggling to remember what I’m like? So used to being put down and ignored.

Feel positive reading about people who’ve been through it. Thank you xxx

Deffo possible. Im in a similar predicament as you! Tbh I have got in contact with another after after split with my dcs dad. We just talk. Not meeting up anytime soon, but there is deffo a connection there. I'm not taking anything serious. There is plenty of single mums who go onto find love again. Chin up, contact some friends on social media, etc,arrange a get together and see what happens. Mr right may be at the same bar, restaurant, coffee shop or cinema etc you are at with your mates! Good luck!

Completely understandable OP. You might feel low on confidence and weak but bloody hell, leaving your home with two kids for a better life, that’s incredibly brave! You should be so proud of yourself.

@northnorth, what you are doing is so so hard, so tell yourself well done every single day. I separated from my ex after 12 years together, with young children.
I met my DH online, I'm not even sure I was looking for a relationship, just feeling lonely, but I found my partner and my best friend.
Knowing what I know now the only regret I have is having waited so long, wasting 12 years with my abusive ex rather than finding my DH earlier.
You are obviously a very strong and capable woman even if you don't feel it.
Believe there is someone out there for you and that you will be ok

You're gonna be great. A big change like this off the back of a brave decision has probably had you running on adrenaline to get through the initial shock. Now the dust has settled a bit you're feeling worn out and shaky.
Cliche, I know, but be kind to yourself and try to see positive people to counteract these negative feelings. It's really natural to have a wobble, but that's what it is. You'll get there

Give yourself time to heal and get to a good healthy place emotionally but you try and get into a relationship. Don’t just rush into anything out of loneliness or fear.
It will take time x

Honestly op you will be fine.

I actually met my dp 2 weeks after I left my exh. I was going on a night out, organised to cheer me up. The kids were with my parents and dp had been invited along just to fill numbers for a group night out. He is a relative of my best friend husband.

We were friends for almost over, first, though. We always had a connection. But both recently out of marriage breakdowns.

After I got my own home I planned weekends when the kids were at their dads. So caught up on washing, supermarket shop etc. So that when the kids were with me we had quality time together. Not just doing the everyday stuff.

I would visit my best friend. Or do something with dp (though) he was a dp and took up running.

I forced myself to embrace being lonely. I am glad I did. Because now I am good on my own. Dp doesnt live with us. But I so love an evening on my own and evenings with him.

The kids are at their dads till this afternoon. Dp is laid next to me, asleep. Its lovely. But I am looking forward to getting the kids back, spending some time with them and then when they are in bed, having some time to myself.

It's the best of all world. Me and dp will live together one day. But for now, life is good.

It takes time. Be kind to yourself and dont jump into a relationship from pure loneliness. Give it time.

Not while you still have children.

Any guy who gets involved will have to factor in your kids and your ex.

Men want a relationship with a woman, not kids or ex partners. No matter how good looking you are, there will be another woman, just as attractive, who doesn't have all that "baggage". And that woman will get her pick of the best men.

You will have to compromise, settle for a guy who also has kids and an ex. So that there is parity. Then you will understand why the odd are stacked against you.

In today's society, men are understandably wary of getting involved with kids. A single allegation from a jealous child, will ruin the guy's life. Men know this. The one's with kids accept the risk. The one's without won't take the chance.

If you're prepared to settle for second best, I suppose it's possible to have some sort of functioning relationship.

I'll get flamed from others, but it's the truth. As harsh as it sounds OP.

Outoutout I am not going to flame you.

But you are wrong.

My dp doesnt have kids nor have to consider his ex. The fact that I have children didnt scare him off. Neither would the fear of an allegation of child abuse.

I would love to see some stats on men having their lives ruined because a jealous child has accuses them of abusing them.

I dont know any man who says they wouldn't date someone with children in case they are accused of child abuse.

I certainly didnt settle for second best with dp. We dont live together, my choice, and he is fine with that. He sees the kids occassionally and they all get on.

I wouldn't give any man a second look if I thought he was weighing me up against, someone else regardless of their 'baggage'.

You are also forgetting that kids arent the only baggage people can have.

I wont flame you because I feel quite sorry for you if that's your outlook.

The OP doesnt have to settle for second best. She should take sometime out for herself. Heal from her relationship and recognise her own worth. She doesnt have to single or settle.

Wow @Outoutout what a horrible way to look at it.
You are wrong. My husband doesn’t have kids, my ex doesn’t see the kids so he’s never had to contend with that anyway. And I haven’t settled for second best at all!

Thanks everyone.

Wow @Outoutout I hope you’re okay. That much negativity only comes from a dark place. It takes a lot of bitterness to kick someone when they’re down. You must be going through a lot to post such things on a strangers post, someone who was clearly reaching out for help. I only wish you well!

Weirdly enough everyone, the comments from @Outoutout have made me realise I’m in a better place than I thought xx

As a man, I'm happy to report that outoutout is talking nonsense.

Of course you can find happiness again. Many, many people do.

But (and thjs is important), don't rush it. Take the time to rediscover who you are, and what you want from life. Be single. Cultivate hobbies and interests. Work on yourself.

Then, when you're finally ready, you'll be meeting someone from a much healthier place, confident in yourself and what you want. That way, you're much more likely to make good decisions. I'd suggest that you need to spend a minimum of a year out from relationships.