Trying to Rebuild Trust post Affair - Is this a red flag?

[joedo]

5 Months ago I found out that my partner of 20+ years (we have two children together) was having an affair with someone who she met at work.

I found out and confronted her about it she denied it constantly, getting angry in her defense until I gave her all the evidence, his name, phone number everything. She then broke down and admitted it had been going on for over 4 years.

At this point she didn't know if she wanted to go and be with him after moving out or to stay and work on our relationship and I certainly didn't know if I wanted to take her back and work on relationship.

After some time I decided to try and repair our relationship and look to counselling to help each of us. While it has been very difficult at times, we've found a new life with each other where we spend a lot of time together, go on dates, have a lot of intimacy and have rebuilt many of the positive and exciting aspects of our relationship.

We've gone from almost complete strangers (we'd drifted that much and had no intimacy of any kind for around 3 ) to extremely close, communicating to each other on a level we hadn't for years and years.

When I found out about the AP (he's gone now, he even contacted me to tell me about their affair after my partner told him it was over and cut all contact.) I dug into other 'friendships' that I was always paranoid about.

There was one guy from work who my partner was good friends with for a few years, he was single and apparently the 'joker and flirt' of the office. Years ago I found texts between him and my partner which I found completely inappropriate.

In one text convo they were talking about sharing a room together at a work social weekend away.

I found out and confronted my partner at the time and she claimed that it was all innocent, that she felt bad that he was new and no one wanted to share a room with him (I really have no idea why they had shared room n the first place).

I found other texts where they were meeting at a shopping centre on their way to meet other work colleagues. She told him she'd meet him outside the toilets in Debenhams (or similar) and his responses were that it would be ok he'd stand in the cubicle and watch 'ha ha, ha ha'. Her reply was something like 'very funny' in a dry manner.

At work events they always seemed to be photographed together.....I was always very irritated by this friendship.

Anyway, when I found out about her long term affair I looked through the sim/memory card on her old phone.

In the whatsapp sent images she had sent images of herself with her hair done and smiling - sent to the flirty work mate on Valentines day.

She had sent images to him of models posing in erotic bondage ropework, all sent around 10pm in the evening so not in work as part of a work group joke

Another image of them on a drunken work night out with him carrying her down the road and them both obviously laughing and having a lot of fun.

I confronted her about all this and her response was that they had a very jokey flirty friendship - that there was no attraction from her to him, ever,....he was like a brother to her and she'd never had a platonic male friend before.

The erotic images were, according to her, probably part of some joking around about something or other from the office earlier that day as their office let off steam from their stressful jobs by being very jokey and innuendo driven.

Valentines day image was just coincidental and she was showing off her new hair to friends...

The images and texts were just a few that I found, so I have no idea of what else was sent or what may or may not have happened between them.

My partner vehemently denies that it was an affair, it was not a physical one and not an emotional one. She doesn't think there was anything wrong with it but kindly acknowledges that I see it as inappropriate.

He moved job to another team in a nearby town and has a girlfriend now. Apparently there isn't much contact between them anymore until recently.

The reasons for my concern are that he was at a wedding of an old colleague of theirs last weekend. I was made aware of it by asking not because she knew I would be concerned and told me herself.

She's at another work wedding this weekend and he'll also be at that.

I'm concerned that they've been in touch, possibly that if there was some kind of emotional or physical affair that it could reignite. That they might have already met up.

If they're just friends I have no problem of them being in contact but as I'm trying to repair trust I need her to tell me instead of potentially hiding stuff.

This is where my mind starts working overtime.

Today my partner was late coming back from work due to an emergency (she works in a demanding job with call outs happening sometimes until 11pm or more).

I was contacted earlier in the day to tell me how busy it was....then again to let me know it looked like she would be dealing with some complicated situations at the hospital. Then again to let me know that she was called out to a situation and it would be probably late when it finished.

I text her to let her know I was thinking of her and how I was enjoying our reconnection and other positive comments along with how impressed I was with her new job and how she handles the pressure well.
There was no response to the text and then about 3 hours later I got a text saying she was on her way home. (she was due to finish at 7pm but the emergency job took until 10.30pm).

When she got home she seemed very agitated, the visitor badge from the hospital was on her coat still and she made a point of explaining how she'll need to post it back to them - and then argued that it's a courtesy to send it back (I didn't mention anything).

Straight away she went up to the toilet for awhile and then to the bedroom before coming down as I'd made her something to eat. Strangely enough she made a point of showing me a mark on her stomach that the elastic of her trouser waist had caused.

Her angry defensive manner made me think she had something to hide.
Disappearing to the toilet for ages (in the past during her affair she would go to delete texts/calls etc) and possibly change items of clothes.

The pointing out of the red marks made by the belt elastic was odd - might have been caused by some physical activity or other from someone else...or it might have been her trousers being too tight.

The visitor badge to highlight where she had been was strange.

My worry is that she's met up with someone, her AP, the workmate I think she had an affair with etc....it might have been a platonic catch up with an old friend.

Or I might be being completely paranoid!!

What does everyone else think...do I have massive trust issues (yep!) and am paranoid or there is reason to be concerned.

Sorry for the very long writing also! I'm letting the stress of overthinking things get to me!

IN the circumstances it does sound like she was creating a back story.

You may be a little paranoid. You may have trust issues. But it sounds like she seeks validation from men she's friends with. Male friends that is. ie, the pictures of her post new hair style.

A visitor badge wouldn't leave a mark on your stomach that's for sure.

I think the bottom line might be to decide if you want to live like this, always wondering what the truth is. I mean, you don't HAVE to know! You could actually just say, nope, can't handle the way this makes me feel and all this doubt. Sounds like if you speak to her either she'll tell you it's nothing, in which case you may or may not believe her. Or, she'll admit to something else and you'll continue on feeling insecure and racked with doubts and insecurities about her interest in various other men.

Honestly it just sounds torture.

In summary she is not a loyal person OP , you aren’t paranoid.
Bin her off for your own mental health , she really isn’t worth it.
See a solicitor pronto and get your ducks in a row.

Thanks for your quick reply!
The mark on her stomach was from the elastic of her trousers....it went all around her waist and left a pronounced mark - they were too tight and she was showing me the mark and explaining it - but I really don't know why....unless it was left by some physical play (sending pictures of women in ropes to 'work friend' then work friend coming back into her life and suddenly marks around body that look like something has been tied around her waist too tight.

The visitors badge being highlighted and stated that it needs to be sent back was possibly giving a narrative that she was definitely at that locaton.....maybe she things I'm questioning everything after the affair and she's pre-empting.

Most ropes from bondage play are made so as not to leave marks

The thing is that taking someone back after a long term affair drives you crazy. You don't trust anything at all. I think it's very bad for your mental health, tbh. If she can lie to you and betray you for four years then are you really interested in staying with her?

Thanks VirtuallyConfused, she might have pointed out that the marks were from her trousers and got worried that I might think they were caused by something else.

OP you seem very determined to make excuses for your wife...

You’ve done the pick me dance. Thinking it was mutual reconciliation

The bottom line is you will never, ever trust your partner 100% again. Either accept that and carry on with your relationship as it is now with the new dynamic or end things and move on separately. No one will judge you for either decision- there is no right or wrong. Personally I couldn't live with the horrible feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach when I got the "I'll be half an hour late from work" calls or his phone being on silent when he came home (he'd been in meetings and forgotten to put the sound back on). Both absolutely plausible and reasonable, but enough to make me sick with worry that he was having another affair and I knew a marriage without trust was nothing. Now he's stbxh.

The thing that's affected me the most is the not responding to my text message.

For the past few months we've been texting each other a few times during the day during work. My text to her yesterday evening when I knew she was caught up in a case that would take her into night time was a really chirpy positive one.

I let her know I'd rustle something up to eat when she got in - then let her know how much I was enjoying reconnecting with her, all the little things that attract me to her, being positive about our dynamic, so she knows I'm happy being with her....being flirty etc'

There was no reply for another 4 hours with just a short

'I'm coming home now xx'

No mention of the text - just a sense of irritation and anger when she got in - almost like a wall of anger - defence mechanism. Then later said she was too busy to text back, was exhausted etc.

She's going to the wedding of a work colleague today - where the ex colleague I thought she was having an affair with is going to be.

When she mentioned that she was going to text me later I jokingly (Poor attempt to cover up my irritation) said I'd refrain from sending one back, especially if I'm expressing my feelings as I wouldn't get a response anyway. Her response was to make the point that she was really busy, that she was at work until that late, that she didn't have time to respond.

I can't help feeling that she wasn't where she said she was, not until that late anyway...or that she was too busy to respond or with someone or company socially where she couldn't respond etc.

Trust...I really do feel like I don't trust her even though she's been amazingly close and affectionate over the past few months and has been closer to closer recently.

This is your new life. You either live with it or you don’t

I think in the circumstances you are more than entitled to say to her that your suspicions have been aroused. Tell her what they are and why.

If shes angry and defensive it either means she is back to her old tricks or is not somebody you are going to be able to rebuild this trust with as she isn't putting the work that she needs to.

If she is understanding and considerate, it might be worth sticking around a bit longer.

FWIW i thinknit sounds like she aas doing something she shouldnt. Someone who is ttying to rebuild a loved ones trust doesnt act like that

She could have responded "that's a lovely message, on my way home, see you soon x" Doesn't take much does it? But you see, you are now reading all sorts into her reply, rightly or wrongly. That's what suspicion and mistrust do to you. And it's only affecting you. Do you think she's feeling anxious? Not at all - she's at a party with a man who she knows you've got misgivings about. That's how much she's considering your feelings. If you say anything you're the one who's controlling and paranoid - think about that when you're espousing how wonderful your relationship is now. You're at the start of a very difficult road and I expect there has been some hysterical bonding going on since you found out about the 4 year affair. You feel you've won her back, but what have you won really? An accomplished cheating and lying partner. Yep, she's the prize alright.

Is it plausible that she could just have been really busy at work? And had a really shit day having to stay later then planned.

I think your girlfriend is taking the piss and like someone else said you accept your life as it is or you don't. It really is that simple.

She's just messaged me to let me know she's arrived....I am feeling irritated about everything.....do I message her outlining my concerns or wait for another point!?

I think it’s clear that she doesn’t give a hoot about your concerns OP. Time to focus on you , do you seriously want to feel this way for the rest of your life? Life is too short, there’s nearly 8 billion people on the planet , why settle for this one who is making your life miserable , causing you anxiety , abusing your trust , damaging your confidence and mental health, is it worth it?

I responded to her text about an hour after it was sent....

My response was that I hoped the hotel was not too shabby and that I was tired today after trying to process what I felt happened yesterday.

That I felt that my partner had met with '.xx..' either in person during the week or yesterday in the evening, that they'd had more contact since the wedding last weekend.

That if it wasn't him then it was someone else that I am uneasy about her connection with. Her behaviours and agitated responses felt like a similar pattern to when she was hiding her AP.

I expressed that I'm asking for her to be as honest with me about her friendships, not to hide anything or be secretive as this causes problems.

I sent another text letting her know how beautiful she looked today, how it feels like we're in a good place together and that if stop hiding our friendships from each other we'll be building trust in each other, that there's enough of that chit chat and for her to go and enjoy the wedding do!

You sound so desperate. It’s really heartbreaking.
Have you heard of the pick me dance.

I think you’re trying really hard and she isn’t OP but I get that sometimes it easier said then done and sometimes you have to let things play out . If I was you though I would maybe seek legal advice regardless , just so you can prepare if the worse was to happen. Sending you strength.

Kindly acknowledges that I see it as inappropriate
As soon as I saw this in your opening post, I thought this whole relationship is fucked. Sorry op that's probably not what you want to hear. In my opinion she's playing you like a fish on a line. As others have said you've done the pick me dance but you haven't won.
If you stay in this relationship you're in for years of torment. Do you really want to live this this? You can't change what she does or how she behaves. All you can control is your own behaviour and actions. If you choose to live like this then so be it but imo this relationship is dead in the water.

A 4 year affair is more than enough to damage any relationship.

Did you post about your suspicions recently? The whole Debenhams thing sounds familiar.

Her interactions with her former colleague were inappropriate and her refusal to outright accept that are showing she really doesn't have much respect or regard for you.

You need to start prioritising yourself in the relationship, because I'm not hearing a lot of remorse for the 4 year double life she was living.

I think in this situation she should be going way above and beyond to be convincing you that she's worth staying with, it sounds like you're trying incredibly hard and she thinks all is forgiven and she can carry on as she likes. OP why are you so invested in this? It sounds as though you think you may well be right in your worries that there's something untoward going on, but you're reluctant to walk away? Is it really fair on you that someone who has treated you like this has got you worrying and upset now, feeling you need to ask strangers for advice (albeit in a very supportive place)? I honestly don't think you need to settle for this, this woman has taken you for a fool and she should have been moving heaven and earth to make things right

You are making all the effort here - when she is the one who broke the trust and should be shouldering the burden of repairing it.

You mention you had drifted for 3 years - well since she was in an affair for 4, it's not strange that happened, is it? It also doesn't sound like she was as invested in reconciliation right from the start as you are - 'oh, who to choose? My husband or my affair partner? Oooooh?!'

You are pick-me dancing like a trouper. Time to leave the dancefloor while you still have some self-respect intact.

You don't trust her because she is untrustworthy. You are worth a better relationship than this.

If she felt wanted to reassure you she wouldn't have gone to the wedding today, given that she knows he'll be they're and she knows how you're feeling.

Is not like it's a relative or best mate's wedding is it?

I've been there. I did the pick me dance. It sucks. And I realise now the having to do the pick me dance means that you don't trust them, and they aren't really invested in saving the marriage. You don't need to do the pick me dance with a partner who's working hard to rebuild trust