@ButiLoveHim32
So glad to know you're ok. Thanks for coming back!
Sorry I wrote you a book near the end of the thread; there was a lot, I know. But yooiur situation resonated with me so much. And I was disturbed by some of the comments were harsh and by their effect on you.
So here it is again.
You shouldn't feel foolish, embarrassed, etc. You've done nothing wrong. At all.
From what I read, I don't think he's lied about his feelings for you. You probably are the perfect woman for him. He may see you in that light because you're the only woman who he's had an intensely hot relationship with. That may have dwindled just like it does for most of us.
I also think:
there's a possibility none of this was planned or manipulative. other than how he would hide that behavior from you. I'm wondering if he created the life he wanted, one where you were all happy and then put those thoughts and temptations in a box. Never intending to hurt you in any way. But he didn't leave the box closed, and the temptation grew stronger each time. He continued making that a secret part of his life. He never intended it to be more than a quick satisfaction. No relationship planned. As long as you didn't know he could continue his life.
because it's obvious that he loves your family and your life together.
and he doesn't want that to change
you've been happy together, even knowing about the chat lines, because you've built this wonderful life for yourselves and you didn't let the past overshadow the present.
It probably would've continued if he'd kept his curiosity contained and stuck to no personal contact. Maybe discreetly viewing pics or video but nothing else.
At this point, you know that he's been unfaithful to you on some level. Definitely the chat lines because it was real people engaging with some degree of sexual activity. Possibly phone sex. This is where he loses sympathy points. He can't control his sexuality, but he
can certainly control his actions.
And based on what you heard, he's been doing SOMETHING that involved a meet-up.
He may not yet be able to accept that what he's done is cheating.
You need to take the self-harming thoughts seriously. He could be manipulating you, but it's very likely that he feels he's backed into a corner, losing the life he loves because he knows you don't believe him. Losing love and respect if he's exposed as gay or bi. He may feel he has nothing to lose at this point. So, always take threats like those as real. Always, always, always. Mine tried, unsuccessfully.
So this is equally about both things. He's telling you he's on the spectrum and that he left that behind. That would explain the chat lines. Without counseling that's probably as much as he'll admit about his sexuality.
And it's about the infidelity in whatever shape it took. There's a line most of us feel we can't cross. There's no shame in deciding that's more than you can accept.
And equally, no shame in taking a chance to keep your marriage together. The fact is, no one has the right to make that decision except you. And once you've made a decision, as time passes, you may feel you made a mistake. You're allowed to change your mind.
Whatever happens, couples counseling would be good. Generally both parties can have individual sessions as well as seeing the counselor together. You'll have a caring but impartial party to give you the tools to make a decision. To help you repair, rebuild, and redefine your relationship. Or the best way to end the marriage with the least hurt to everyone.
I don't think you'll be able to let go of needing proof and acknowledgement of what he did. I haven't been able to let go, either. Just for starters I imagine you want an admission, an explanation, and an acknowledgement of how his actions have destroyed everything.
Once you have that you can begin to decide.
Sorry, another book.
What I think I'd do:
Tell him you also want to have trust in him, and you'll go to marriage counseling with him and truly work on your relationship, with some non-negotiable stipulations.
*You keep his phone until all the deleted files and apps are restored. That needs to be
done ASAP. New files overwrite the deleted files, so get this done.
*He turns over any other items like an iPad, etc.
*He provides all the user info for all accounts and is truthful about all apps.
*Save all evidence to be gone over in a safe place such as therapy and no discussions
or decisions are to be made until that time.
*if you decide you need distance, maybe both stay in the house. Trial separations end
with 80% opting for divorce, 14% married but not living together, and just 6% actually
reconcile. Our therapist said if there's anyway to avoid an actual separation the
chances of reconciliation are much higher.
*The therapist, with suggestions from both of you, will give you rules for behavior until
you've made a decision. Things like timeframe, money, dating, contact. etc.
*I would say absolutely no other people involved during this time. No online, texts,
calls, coffees, meet-ups. No what's app. None.at.all. Full stop.
If he really wants a chance to reconcile he'll go along with this. He shouldn't get a free pass on the phone records, etc. But let him know you'll both discuss it during counseling and not mention it at home.
Whatever the outcome, at least you'll know. Sometimes what we worry about is much worse than the reality.
Just don't lose sight of what's best for YOU during this time. You don't want to end up at 59, finally evaluating your life and feeling you've lost your best years/chances to start over. If the two of you go through the process again and treat each other with respect your kids will be ok no matter what their family looks like.
It's more than okay to put yourself first. Your kids will be happy with what makes you happy, as long as you and your husband have a good relationship. Exes or not. Just know that you're doing the best that you can, and get those ducks in a row! 💜💜💜